Speaking, More Than Just Words

 

How much do I speak? This is my reflection today, because I speak a lot. Not only verbally, but also through many virtual platforms: emails, messages, social media, video calls, voice notes... And I am not the only one, as every day we are constantly sending messages to the world.

Yet, despite all these channels, communication often seems more difficult than ever.

Part of the challenge comes from the speed of modern life, something to be taken at another time. Another part comes from something more fundamental: a lack of communication skills.

We do have many tools, but not always the ability to use them wisely.

Good communication begins long before words leave our mouths. It starts with clarity of thought. If our ideas are confused, our message will likely be confusing as well.

It also requires values such as lightness, respect and genuine consideration for those who receive our message.

Perhaps most importantly, meaningful communication comes from the heart. People rarely remember every word we say, but they often remember how we made them feel.

Communication is multidimensional. Others receive our message not only through words, but through tone of voice, facial expressions, gestures, timing, and even the environment in which the interaction takes place. A simple message can be strengthened - or weakened - by these subtle elements.

Before speaking, writing or posting, it may be worth asking ourselves: What message am I truly sending? And what energy accompanies it?

In other words, when our communication becomes more conscious, our relationships become more harmonious. And that benefits everyone.

You are different than the rest of your team; what to do?

 

A team can look like many things: a group of colleagues working toward a goal, a family sharing a home, a community gathering around a belief or a purpose. In all cases, a team is not defined by similarity, but by coexistence and a common goal.

And that’s where challenges come up.

Focusing on coexistence, at some point, you may realize you think differently, act in a unique way or even value things that others don’t. Maybe you are more reflexive in a fast-paced group or more expressive in a quiet environment. Perhaps your priorities don’t quite match the collective rhythm.

The first instinct is often resistance (I am different, nobody can tell me what to do) or expectation (They should understand me, they should adapt) .

But reality is simpler: you cannot shape a whole group around you. What you can do, however, is something more powerful.

You can learn to adapt without losing yourself. Adapting is not betraying who you are, in fact it is choosing how to express who you are in a way that others can perceive in a positive way. It is intelligence, not submission. It is awareness, not weakness.

I know we all want to be accepted as we are, but let’s understand this: there is a subtle but important difference between being accepted and adapting. While acceptance comes from others, adaptation comes from you.

If you wait to be accepted as you are, particularly when, for that reason, you are unable to participate fully in the team, you may be resented or avoided by others.

On the other hand, if you adapt by observing, understanding the dynamics, respecting the space and adjusting your approach, you may create the right conditions for acceptance to naturally grow.

A team doesn’t need you to be the same as they are as individuals. In fact teams enrich from people’s individuality and particular specialties, but they do need your participation and commitment.

The bridge between being different and belonging does not start from others’ side; it often starts from your willingness to take the first step.

Why do good things happen to bad people?

 I remember a yoga teacher giving a very powerful class, one of those meant to shake people out of the slumber of their minds. At some point, she said something that stayed with me: many very “bad” people end their lives in comfort, surrounded by success and security.

Her point was simple, but uncomfortable. We shouldn’t assume that doing good automatically guarantees good outcomes. And we shouldn’t expect that people who act badly will always be punished, an idea that belongs more to old movies than to real life. Reality is messier. And there are several reasons for that.

One of them is human complexity. One of the worst people I knew growing up - a real bully - is now a respected judge in a small town. Who would have imagined that? Maybe parts of that old behavior still exist somewhere inside him. But for his family, friends and community, he is seen as a good, honorable person.

The truth is uncomfortable: a “bad” person for you or me can be an “excellent” person for someone else, or at another stage of life.

Almost everyone, at some point, has asked this question: why do people who lie, manipulate or act selfishly sometimes seem to prosper - financially, socially or professionally - while others who try to live with integrity struggle? It can feel unfair, confusing, even discouraging, and I talked about it in a former post.

That is another reason: life does not operate on immediate moral accounting and results are not always synchronized with behavior. Someone may be highly skilled, confident or intelligent, and those qualities can bring external success regardless of inner values. In the short term, this type of efficiency can easily be mistaken for virtue.

A third reason is that there is also the illusion created by appearances. What we usually call “good things” are often external achievements: money, recognition, power, comfort. But outer success does not guarantee inner peace. Many people who look like they are “winning” are quietly dealing with anxiety, emptiness and broken relationships. We rarely see that part of the story.

At last, from a karmic perspective, the picture becomes wider. A person may be acting poorly now and still enjoying the fruits of positive actions from the past. Karma does not work like instant messaging; it works more like agriculture.

Imagine this: you planted broccoli seeds last week, but you also have an old mango tree in your garden. For a while, you will enjoy sweet mangoes. But don’t worry… the bitter broccoli is coming to you... A person who is enjoy a good life, maybe it is just a question of a stock of mangoes and their broccoli is not ready yet to be consumed.

But, in another tone, looking carefully, lasting fulfillment rarely belongs to those who harm others. Temporary gains fade and not wanting to sound cliché, but inner qualities - honesty, compassion, stability - create a kind of wealth that cannot be taken away.

So perhaps the better question is not why good things happen to “bad” people… but what kind of good we are talking about.

External success is loud and visible, while inner success is quiet and deep.

And in the end, life does not reward appearances; it responds to conscious acts, words and thoughts.
Sooner or later, what is planted within, mango or broccoli, is what grows.

Can values motivate?

 

Many years ago, I started exploring the topic of values. It was… interesting… but honestly, I didn’t see much value in values.

One day, I gave a lecture on values – actually, several lectures – so I had to explore, research and learn that values are much more than a nice thing: a value is one of the most vital aspects in life, part of our inner compass.

Values play two key roles in our lives, and both are deeply motivational.

The first role is to connect us with ourselves. Some would say that values are spirituality translated into the physical world. Motivation, in this case, arises when we live and work in alignment with them and it is important to avoid activities that somehow suppress them.

For instance, a doctor needs patience to deal with patients. When patience is one of their values, their motivation flows naturally. But if their focus is only on the technical or scientific side, they may feel drained or demotivated in their interactions.

The second role of a value is to encourage action. Many of the things we do - reading this post, talking with a child, taking care of a garden - are driven by an inner value. When what we do doesn’t align with that, it doesn’t matter how interesting or profitable the task is, it will still feel empty.

When I joined the Air Force school (EPCAR, Brazil), I felt inspired by the strong educational environment. Certain values - like self-improvement and social mobility - were almost pushing me to go there. However, because military values were not part of my own inner set, at some point I started feeling dissatisfied, even rebellious.

The good thing about values is that they can be developed. Through reflection, dialogue, and consistent practice, we can cultivate new ones. So, if you are that hypothetical doctor who struggles with patients, you can learn to treat them with care and empathy, developing the necessary values for that.

And perhaps, if I had insisted a bit more and overcome my rebellious feelings, I might still have found my place in the military, this time in the Navy.

In the end, any lack of motivation we feel might just be a sign that it’s time to rediscover and develop the right values.

 

This is a post in a series about motivation - starting from within.

Why Do Values Motivate?

 

In many areas of life, values may seem… valueless. At least, that’s how I used to think.

Many years ago, Brahma Kumaris launched an initiative about values. One of its strongest supporters was Colombian, who invited BK to Manizales, where there was an educational project in need of deeper input on values. I went there, gave a few lectures and soon after, a local company hired me to work with their employees on values.

The long story short? When I began translating the abstract, intangible language of values into terms a corporate professional could grasp, I discovered the real value of values.

Values form the background of any action. They guide decisions and, above all, they motivate. In fact, values are natural motivators. We tend to do things aligned with our values effortlessly, without the need for external rewards or pressures.

You can see this clearly in vocational professions - doctors, nurses, police officers, members of the clergy. They perform under pressure and in the harshest conditions because their values are fully aligned with their work. That alignment is what we call vocation.

Now, maybe your present job is not really part of your vocation, but I am sure there are many areas in your life in which the alignment between actions and values take place. I am sure you can see the motivation whenever you have to do something related to that.

So, do you need a dose of motivation right now at some parts of your life? Look at your own values, align them with what you’re doing, and you’ll discover the lightness and joy of acting from the heart.

 

This is a post in a series about motivation - starting from within.

 

Why values are fading and why we must rescue them

 

It’s easy to get lost in today’s fast-paced world. Traffic, economic stress and social media can make anyone forget what really matters. But maybe all this chaos has a deeper cause, something quieter and more dangerous: the slow death of values.

OK, kind of dramatic, but since many years I have been observing people stopped using values at the time of taking decisions. Yes, some code of ethics remained, but it was not something like values or principles, ingrained to a person’s compass.

And we rarely stop to reflect. We move, act, react… but seldom pause to ask questions such as:

What is guiding my decisions?

What is truly important to me?

What am I using as the main element in my personal compass?

This lack of reflection on our values may be contributing to the present situation, the way we live and even the identity crisis of younger generations, the disconnection in relationships and the weariness felt by so many. We’ve traded what really matters for what matters for the moment or what feels urgent…

So, let’s ask again: Why are values important?

I give you two answers:

• Values give life meaning. They help us face crises without losing our integrity. They help us build stronger families, organizations, and societies. And they remind us that it’s not just about surviving, but living with dignity, kindness and purpose.
• Values define our actions. They help us define which actions we should make at a certain moment, particularly when there are many possibilities. And so, they are a key part of our self-leadership.
• Values are part of our compass… OK, I was talking about two answers and this was touched before, but, please, understand it that values correspond to the south of our compass and they support in a definite way our vision of the future (north). Without values as a real part of our lives, we won’t be able, or at least it will be quite difficult, to build up a fulfilling future.

The world may not change overnight.

But we can talk about values again. And keep on talking about them…

And living them more…

Check your values at every step

 

Being a value-oriented person is much more than just being a nice person – it means your actions are connected with your core.

Let me explain: we are like lettuce. It means we have several layers, but there is a central core, the innermost part of the self. Most of the time, our relationships, work, study and the various ways we interact with the world are done from the most superficial layer, which is basically what we write in our curriculum vitae.

However, the main source of energy is in the core of our being, which is full of peace, love, purity and many other wonderful qualities. They try very hard to come into our interaction and to be part of our lives, and that is through values.

When we enable our values to be part of our lives by shaping our decisions, the resulting actions will be full of those qualities and the outcome will be an accomplished life. Then, why don’t we do that?

First reason is that we are used to act from the outer layer, and it is not that bad… a few stains here and there, that’s all! Most of the time… To change it we need to work on our attitude and our awareness, and go deeply, before taking any decision and any step.

Second reason is not good, but we are living in a world in which values have become political weapons. That is the environment we are watching in the news and we experience it when we start to talk with other people. We have to depoliticize values and that starts by not imposing our values onto other people.

The third reason is that people don’t have access to their core. It is often done by praying, meditating or living a spiritual life. Besides those who do have access don’t always implement them into their mundane lives… they are a bit flying in the moon… The best thing here is to start using some technique to live those values and to make sure they also become part of a normal common life.

Define your direction, and move… Your destination is just ahead!

If you are lost, you look at a compass… Our modern times replaced it with asking around for directions, checking a map in the cell phone, or a GPS system, but the idea behind is the same.

Inside the individual, the same thing takes place, as everyone gets lost many times in their lives… For that, we also need a (spiritual) GPS to help us to find our own selves, but there is no such a machine yet!

Many of the modern problems come from being lost in relation to what the person should really be. By find themselves, the individual is able to live a full life and contribute completely to others.

There are three ways this can be done, and they are quite easy to implement:

• Live a life of aims and goals. Yes, go, fix a goal, and fulfill it, at least in relation to relevant aspects such as tasks at your work, your self-progress, family relationships, health, etc.
• Look at that imaginary place you would like to reach and compare it with the present you are living. Do the calculations of which changes you need to implement in your life so that you can really be what you are. This will motivate and generate a powerful dynamic for your life.
• The last possibility is to create your full personal compass by fixing a North (your final destination), understanding your South (your values), balancing your East (a spiritual source) and West (a pragmatical view). Finally, let’s not forget the point in the middle, a life purpose, which will balance everything.

In this way, you will experience focus and a life full of certainty, even during periods of deep uncertainty.

The ultimate failure

Failure scares people. That’s the reason many people decide to not even try, so they don’t get defeated, particularly in the present society we live.

After all, we live in the society of the SUPERSUCCESSFUL!

Yes, everyone shows their success, their attainments and achievements. Many years ago, there was a video that went viral about life according to Facebook, showing a man who was passing through troubled times and decided to cheat a little bit, only showing the best parts of his (pretended) life. My best scene is when he takes a selfie after running many kilometers, which was false as he took the car to go there… All went crumbling down after his wife cheated on him and he started to share his real mental state, and he lost all his friends…

That means failure is dangerous, it means I will be left alone, because nobody likes a loser! Let’s dive deeply into failure:

• First, there is real failure, that is, a failure that can’t be hidden away, because you did lose your job or you were not able to get that in which you invested so much money to work. a beautiful feature of us humans is that we can keep trying and trying again, just like that song from Shakira, Try Everything.
• Second, there is failure, but after a while, turns into success! My case is probably exceptional; I was always a good student at high school, but my last year there was a year of doubts and an inner struggle of sort, so I lost my position. A colleague, by the end of that year, came to me bragging as he was able to secure a good number, MY NUMBER, so, he was better than me. It was military school and the tradition was that we would close our presence in high school by going to a military camp, EXCEPT those who got into the first 10 positions. In other words, I was going and my colleague would not go. My failure however changed, because the rules changed; although I couldn’t get a position according to the old rules, under the new rules, I did get a number amidst the 10 first numbers! And I was so happy!!! Many times in life, waiting turns failure into success, just wait.
• Then, there is the possibility to look at failure with a different attitude. For instance, it was not failure, it was learning… Failure is often a powerful motivator for improvement and there are certain very valuable values, like humility, that can be assimilated in an easy way by failing.

In other words, embrace failure and change it into something that will take you into success.

How is your transition going?

We have been running wildly as a civilization, society and individuals, and, all of a sudden, BOOM! We had to stop…

Like a 200 Km/h car, our world almost crashed, but, hey, we are still here!!

After the pandemic, we have been through a sort of transition, with not much leadership and counting with our own values, beliefs and self-leadership.

And I think it is important to do a checking on how things are really going. In this way, we can reinforce what is working and correct what needs to be corrected. Here are a few questions that may help:

How am I feeling? Let’s start from the abstract, the feelings and sensations. Try to be very specific in relation to those.

How am I doing? Let’s check now about our activities; it is useful to compare the NOW with the BEFORE (pandemic) and to use some indicator (how much I am earning, my trips, meditation experience, etc.).

How am I relating to others? Again, a bit subjective, but it is important to verify the way my relationship to other people has evolved during these years.

How much progress am I making? At this point, it is good to stop and reflect. Progress is not difficult to understand, but many people tend to interpret sensations while others only see results. To know your progress, you have to check the general sensation that you are MUCH BETTER than before, but at the same time, some HARD RESULTS to back that up. If one of them or neither of them is good, it is quite possible you haven’t moved ahead as much as you might think.

I hope what comes from this exercise helps in your own transition.

Finding a good job

Jobs, gigs, an employment…

For some, it is some sort of slavery… for others, it is a way of realizing the true potential.

What is it for you?

OK, there are some places or careers that shouldn’t exist, either because they are very underpaid or useless. But there is a way to make those meaningful.

There are other jobs that make you feel the best in the world… they can be made even more meaningful.

First, align your job with your VALUES, those qualities you don’t write into your curriculum, but they are what will link whatever you do with what you are. It does not mean you have to leave it, but reflect upon how to include them into your activities.

Second, what is your PURPOSE in life? If you are working, but that is not making your purpose clearer or greater, then you won’t find full satisfaction. If that is the case, it is time to rethink your work position, career or attitude; there is something wrong. Don’t leave it, just think, reflect and act.

The last thing is your FUTURE VISION: can you see how this present position contributes for you in terms of fulfilling your aim and goals? Part of the reason work is unfulfilling is the fact that you don’t realize how it fits in the picture of your life… Think of it, there is always something you can learn or assimilate even from a very bad job.

You do this and whatever you work will be good for you and for others.

New Year 2 – Qualifications…

OK, so you have your goals set and now, what? It is time to make it real!

But, before that, a particular reflection is necessary:

• What qualities do you require to fulfill your goals, qualities without which you cannot do it?
• Which qualities will help you to fulfill your goals, even though they are not mandatory?
• How are you going to develop those qualities?

Qualities maybe values, virtues or even inner powers; they will enable you to fulfill your goals. Without those qualities, you will struggle to fulfil your aims in life.

So, make a plan on how to get those qualities, by responding the three questions above and good luck!

Check your values at every step

Being a value-oriented person is much more than just being a nice person – it means your actions are connected with your core.

Let me explain: we are like lettuce. It means we have several layers, but there is a central core, the innermost part of the self. Most of the time, our relationships, work, study and the various ways we interact with the world are done from the most superficial layer, which is basically what we write in our curriculum vitae.

However, the main source of energy is in the core of our being, which is full of peace, love, purity and many other wonderful qualities. They try very hard to come into our interaction and to be part of our lives, and that is through values.

When we enable our values to be part of our lives by shaping our decisions, the resulting actions will be full of those qualities and the outcome will be an accomplished life. Then, why don’t we do that?

First reason is that we are used to act from the outer layer, and it is not that bad… a few stains here and there, that’s all! Most of the time… To change it we need to work on our attitude and our awareness, and go deeply, before taking any decision and any step.

Second reason is not good, but we are living in a world in which values have become political weapons. That is the environment we are watching in the news and we experience it when we start to talk with other people. We have to depoliticize values and that starts by not imposing our values onto other people.

The third reason is that people don’t have access to their core. It is often done by praying, meditating or living a spiritual life. Besides those who do have access don’t always implement them into their mundane lives… they are a bit flying in the moon… The best thing here is to start using some technique to live those values and to make sure they also become part of a normal common life.

Cultivating a not-so valued treasure

Talking about values is an interesting topic. After all we all love to have cheerful friends, peaceful parents and honest co-workers. But there is little thought on how that come to be…

Why is Richard so happy? Is that something happened in his life and so this is why he is like that? Gens?

Why are your parents so peaceful? Anne’s parents are always restless or angry… Does that have something to do with their beliefs?

And what about Joanna? I have never heard a lie coming out her mouth during all the time I’ve been working with her and I don’t understand how that is even possible!

But when values are under threat – and crises particularly create an interesting environment that threatens our deepest values – it is time to rethink them, revise them and reinforce them.

Richard has lost his mother and is in profound depression.

One of your parents had had an affair and that is affecting their lives a lot.

And Joanna finally lied to me!! All because she wanted my position in the company.

This is part of self-care: to treasure your values. Even though you often don’t notice their importance, the reality is they affect your relationships and the way you relate to your environment.

The first thing you should do is to rethink them in relation to the present situation. For instance, how can Richard be happy now that his mother has left? A good answer could be she would like him to keep on being happy after her departure. The difficult and deepest answer is to find the roots of happiness and work on them.

The second thing is to revise the values. For instance, maybe your parents can’t be peaceful anymore, but why not being stable or assertive? Values can be exchangeable and if one value does not work in that situation anymore, another one may replace them. If you want to go even deeper you could think about peace, where peace comes from and how to being peaceful even in awful circumstances.

Last thing is to develop the capacity of the values, that is, to reinforce them. So, Joanna was attacked by greed or need and she decided to leave aside her value of honesty; maybe if she took a course of assertiveness or if she would learn a mediation process, we could talk and find a solution. You could go even deeper and try to understand where honesty comes and reinforce that part.

As part of your self-care, I would like to share an easy homework: create a list of values, rethink them in relation to the present environment, revise them and apply certain techniques to adjust them, and reinforce them.

This is part of a series of posts on self-care.

Am I still me?

Something a few people talk about is how crisis change people, for better and for worse. Maybe a new temperament emerges or an incredible ability of dealing with tough situations that turn a common person into a hero.

That’s also part of taking care of the self: to prevent the self to be contaminated or suffer of a post-traumatic stress so serious after a crisis that they may become almost unrecognizable.

Self-care in this case starts with knowing exactly the answer for this interesting riddle: Who am I? The idea behind is if you don’t really know yourself, it is easy to get lost in the hurricane of situations and adapt in a negative way like the frog…

Many years ago, I used to stay during holidays on the beach along with my late grandmother.

Once, she was cooking something and so let a bit pot of water in the stove while we went out to do an errand.

When we came back, the water was boiling. We could see the smoke, but she has left the pot open and there was a surprise…

A frog was inside it!

Legend says a frog would jump into boiling water and because its physiology, it would adapt to the temperature; unknowingly it would start to cook and when it realizes the danger, it would be too late…

Maybe that is the case when a crisis happens, because we adapt, which is good, but it is possible we start to lose some of our principles, most precious values, awareness and attitude. We start to change as people

By reflecting on the self and its depth, the individual learns more about him or herself and is able to keep their values, principles, awareness, attitude and all that is important and precious, no matter the crisis that is taking place.

In fact, this will help to overcome the obstacles and advance onto another level, taking care of the self all the way.

This is part of a series of posts on self-care.

Leaders can see values, even though they are invisible – Reason 67

In a leadership parable, a prince goes to the forest to listen to all sounds he could.  After one year, he related his experience to his master who then sent him back again; the master was not satisfied with his disciple’s achievements.  After a while hearing the same sounds, at some point the prince started to hear the unheard: the sound of flowers opening, the sound of the sun warming the earth, and the sound of the grass drinking the morning dew[1] 

Leaders are exceptional as they are often able to perceive that is imperceptible…  They may sense something is not alright by the way they behave or speak, and most important, they can see values in the form of an invisible treasure every person has.

It is not that difficult to create a plan for the future or to analyse the present situation, but its success depends on the values by which people live their lives for it is those values that will impact their actions, will influence their thoughts and will colour their motives.

By making effort to see the invisible, and the goodness in each person leaders create an important bond, which will give any task a different and good energy.

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[1] Parables of Leadership appeared as an article by W. Chan Kim and Renée Mauborgne, in a 1992 issue of Harvard Business Review.  https://hbr.org/1992/07/parables-of-leadership

(Excerpt from the book 82 Reasons to be a Leader)

Values are a support during adverse situations – Reason 61

Didn’t you get up on time today?  Is your new shirt spoilt by something that fell on it during breakfast?  Is your kid sick again?  What about your customer, is she complaining about you to your boss?

Life is full of adverse situations that are easily forgotten after a short time, but where in the heat of the moment look like the end of the world.  Even though they are small in size, they are moments of truth that reveal our values in daily life.  Our reactions or actions are proportional according to those values.

A short video[1] was in circulation some time ago that showed a man taking great care just to smooth off the spread of wet cement on a sidewalk.  He then realises a young boy walking on it, in order just to come and say ‘Hi’.  The temperament explosion was visible, but never came; with patience, the older man was able to just get the boy out of it and keep going.

Values are a support that allows a leader to not get upset when life stains a precious shirt or spoils their hard-done work.

(Excerpt from the book 82 Reasons to be a Leader)

 

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[1] You can check it on: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-rVWOqeAnk  or check the site of the organisation behind it: http://www.values.com/