Developing your communication capacity

It is amazing how we humans have found ways to communicate. We can write, speak, show our face, send symbols or even invent a language. We can talk to someone on the other side of the planet with less than a second relay; we can even see that person.

Books, articles, plays, movies, blogs, vlogs... What else do we need to tell others the message that is inside us?

And then... we have problems to communicate with our friends, partners, children, parents, neighbors, co-workers, customers, suppliers, bosses, rulers, etc. Isn't it a contradiction?

The main reason behind it is that when you have to communicate with someone you are in relationship, that communications changes its shape completely, so you need different skills to have success in your communication. For instance, if you are going to talk to an audience who is watching you via Skype, you don't need to move much around (which would damage your webcast) and, yes, you don't even have to dress up so much! But if the audience is just in front you, well, that is another story.

So, let's talk about four skills that can help you when you must have a close communication, both in your work and personal:

• General communication abilities. First of all, you do need to know how to transfer your message according to your public. You have a big advantage here, as you know your public. Just let that message reach them in such a way they can grasp it and use it for further actions. One big disadvantage you have with this kind of people is that THEY KNOW YOU! So, you can't say things you are not doing, otherwise they won't receive the message - they would sneer over it. Before giving the message, check if you are yourself the message.
• Are you listening? Our languages have wisdom in it, one of them is the difference of verbs HEAR and LISTEN. You won't hear if you have some medical problem, otherwise, anyone can hear. But listen... that requires a refinement in the way you deal with other people around you. To listen to someone does not mean become dumb, but let the other express herself or himself, and you are able to empathize with whatever is said. It is not just understanding, it is more than that - the other's speech will turn into an experience for you. For developing that skill, you need to develop your own empathy, what will be covered in a further post. By then, make effort to let the other speak, let him or her tell their tale and try not to process it. Accept it into your heart, and nod from time to time...
• Oops, a lecture... Stage fright! It is one of the worst fears, especially if you are in a position or profession where you have to address more than one person at a time, trying to convince them all about your message. Add to that the fact that they know you, so you must be careful whatever you talk to them. But, remember the big advantage you have: you do know them. Try to focus your message at the essence, add some stories and engage your audience with it. Ask questions, ask their opinion. As a good friend told me, "make them the protagonists of your lecture."
• Your mouth in your arms. Your body speaks. Loudly. We all know that - we all know when someone is angry, upset, cheerful or sad just by looking at their faces, arms or the position of their legs. It is one of the first communication skills we get as we need that a lot to relate to our family, especially when words are not our strong point. Watch your body. Ask someone to film you or put a mirror ahead, so you can see yourself when you talk. But don't try to hide your feelings or emotions... Be genuine about it as the best way to develop that skill is to say what your body is talking.

With these skills, you can enhance the way you communicate and have a better experience relating to others.

The ability to relate to others

Many years ago, I had a general manager who was simply perfect. He used to come for work with a perfect suit; he used to have a perfect job, and even a perfect family. Only one thing used to tarnish that perfection: he was the worst when dealing with people. After I left the company, I kept tabs on him for some time as I was curious to know his career. So, even though I have left the country, I learned on how he was unable to keep a position for a long time and the complaint was the same: he didn't know how to deal with people.

All his diplomas, all that capacity and talent were not enough to secure him a good position in a good company. He did not know how to negotiate with his employees, he did not know how to deal with bad performance and, worse, he was unable to deal with his own emotions in those cases, when all the façade used to scramble and show a person with no manners, no elegance, and no perfection.

This is probably the mother of all skills. Daniel Goleman was the one who has shown it, giving a fancy name: Emotional Intelligence. Yes, EI is not only relating to others, but it comes only when you have EI.

If you have it, you probably can skip this post, but I guess most of us want to develop it even further. After all, there are many new challenges related to people around you...

• The basic principle behind EI is to understand your own emotions. In other words, the first thing you have to do to relate to others is to relate to yourself better. If you get frustrated with yourself for not getting up at the time you need or not following that diet, then it will be even harder to not get frustrated when someone from your team makes a mistake. Breath, talk to yourself, have a time for reflection, contemplation or meditation, and enjoy your potentials much more than your mistakes.
• Learn to differentiate your emotions in relation to the situation, and the situation itself. If someone from your team has made a mistake that earned a bad mark to your team, which will make future budget negotiations difficult, remember that you can only solve this by not getting into emotion. Talk to the person, talk to your team, and if you need, vent some of the thoughts you are having in your mind, but keep the focus on the solution. A nice trick is turning the mistake into a lesson for the future.
• Be balanced in relation to others. In human relationships, there are no blacks and whites, all are a series of gray tones... At some situations with someone, you have to be merciful and forgiving; at other situations with the same person, you have to push so things happen. Be tuned to the other's need and the need of the moment, and act based on that.
• The last thing is related to a nice tale I've read many years ago, talking about a prince who needs to listen to the inaudible sounds in order to be a king. Reality is: people expresses probably half of what they feel, sometimes even less. So, you need to see their body language and the vibration they are sending, so that you really know what is going on with that person. And take action, which can be talking to him, or just sitting beside her and give your presence.

When you are a master of that skill, then you will realize how wonderful is to deal with people in a positive and powerful way. But this skill is so deep that you will get into that more for the next posts.


* For the article that has inspired this post, click here.

Skills for a better performance

One of the surprising things about work and business in general nowadays is how much a soft skill values.

An interesting and very comprehensive article was published by Forbes Magazine. Yes, Forbes... the "shark's favorite" magazine. The question in my mind was: Why do sharks want the trout to be better?

First answer is, of course, to eat them! But, if you really read the article you will see lots of time was spent in creating a foundation for people so that they can improve themselves in today's work and business area. So that they can RESIST to the sharks and help to change them into something more amiable like whales...

Analyzing the article (which is just a basis, but a good one), you can find three basic areas covered there:

• The ability to relate to others. It is not only an area, but also a skill in itself. If you really want to progress in work environment, relationships are extremely important.
• Besides people, we also need to deal with situations. Other skills will make that hard task into a very easy one. In the article, the focus is work environment, but we all know how much personal life influences into our work life, so these skills will help us both ways.
• The last skills touched are related to personal ethics. Beyond personality, everyone has some ethics in their lives, which will help you to decide how to do things but will also influence the way others see you doing those things.

I think skills are the bridge between the most human part of us, the spiritual side, and the material activities we do for money or recognition. If you develop them with the right method, naturally you will have a much better experience and it is possible your career opens into new ways.

During the next posts, we will talk more about those skills.

The art of concealing and revealing (The 16 celestial arts)

If you go a house where there is a friendly dog, you will normally meet three types of reactions from the dog: 1) if it likes you, then it will come, wagging the tail and licking your hand; 2) if it does not like you, then it won't make much of that, perhaps a stern eye, even a small growling, 3) but if it HATES you, it will try to bite you!

However, what about the owner? If the owner likes you, he or she can smile and make a beautiful scene of hugging and kissing, or just ignore you, because they think it will be funny to see your reaction. And if there is another person there who does not like you, it is possible the owner shows some hostility towards you because of that, even though he or she does like you.

Does it make sense?

Certainly not, but this is how we humans are. It is difficult to express our real feelings and emotions because of the many ways our network was built. We try to not hurt others and many times we ourselves get hurt in the process...

So, to live in such a complex society, we do need an art: concealing and revealing. I will focus that specifically in relation to our lifestyle and traditions or beliefs we follow.

Take the example of a young 11 years-old boy, who wants to be a doctor. His neighbor is a doctor and he is stimulated by the fact he sees the doctor's family and way of living as the perfect for him. So, he asks his neighbor how is it to be a doctor.

Now, let's imagine this neighbor, with the consent of the boy's parents, take the young man into a surgery theater, there exactly by his side, so the boy can watch the good doctor, good father and good man to cut someone else's body, sweat and get blood all over him. After the operation, with his still blood stained doctor uniform, he smiles to a now very frightened boy, and asks: "This is what being a doctor means!"

I think you get the idea... probably that boy would become an engineer and I am almost sure he would prefer alternative healing instead of going through operations...

Well, there are things from our life style, traditions, beliefs and ways of doing things that are worth to be shown to the world. You can feel proud of it and you know they will follow your example. If our dear doctor would just invite the boy inside his house and talk to him about being a doctor, probably the outcome would be different.

There are other things you wouldn't tell anyone, except those you feel would share your values. If the boy is not 11 years-old, but 16, and his parent would go with him to the same place then things would work out too.

I am vegetarian. As society changes, that is not something I need to hide anymore, but for a big part of my vegetarian life (I've started when I was 18), I had to do it. Well, you don't get social marks by coming into a meeting and say: "Hi, guys, I am a vegetarian!" I prefer to show a good health, my own smile and cheerfulness. I prefer to show others values they can relate and understand.

Now, if another person is vegetarian, then I can be very, very clear and objective about my practice. I don't need to hide; I can tell them whatever I want.

Did you get it? It is an art that will make you getting more friends and being even happier. I hope you can master that very well!



With this post, I finish talking about the 16 celestial arts.

The art of social service and spiritual welfare (The 16 celestial arts)

One of the basic human principles is the will to give and help each other. It is natural. In fact, in Internet you will find lots of free things - free things that were prepared by someone who was willing to give it freely.

Of course, what we see in the world today is such a deep need by people that most professionals are not inclined to help the other, except if they have the time, the money, if it is easy, convenient... It is also natural: as human beings, we have the tendency to help first those who are closer to us, our "tribe". Later, the concept of "clan" helped the tribe to be larger. In a later evolution, nation and religion, race and even sexual orientation became a reason for a sense of community and help.

But still, you won't be able to help everyone you want and everyone who needs your help. It will be hard and difficult. On this path of self-development, I have met with several people who help in a very altruistic way, but whose bitterness still confuses me. After all, isn't helping another person one of the best ways to get happy?

If you read "Emotional Intelligence", by Daniel Goleman, you will receive many points that support that idea. Yes, there are material aspects you have to consider, but some aspects are related to emotions and feelings, and many times they are more important than the physical one. After all, if someone you know has lost her or his son, there is really nothing physical that can help the person...

So, it is important to learn the art of helping others with your mind and vibrations. Let's go back to our childhood; I am sure at least at some point you have fallen and felt pain. Just try to remember people helping you at that point. Yes, someone probably tried to apply a medicine or even took you to a hospital, but I am almost sure (and I can see you smiling here!) that you will remember first those who hugged you, or carried you. Those who whispered words of encouragement were more important for you than medicine.

Can you also carry others in your arms, hug them and whisper words? Sometimes you can do it, other times you won't be able to do it. Try this... If you know someone or a population is suffering of something, try to visualize them. See them in the screen of your mind, smiling and peaceful and you would wish them to be. Send them that peace and inner joy. Do that for a few minutes. Then, if you can do something physical, do it, but "hug them" first with the arms of your mind. Let them feel your love deeply in their heart.

When you master that art, something amazing will happen: you will learn how to heal yourself. The logic is that you cannot heal someone else if you are not even able to heal the self...