The Attitude of Assertiveness

Many years ago, the word ASSERTIVENESS began circulating. It was something new, a different attitude that emphasized self-esteem, within the communicational context, avoiding negative confrontation.

It's probably the most important communication skill out there, but it's still not talked about much, and maybe not as practiced as it should be. Some of its benefits are very clear:

• Increased self-esteem, on both sides of the conversation. The assertive side needs self-esteem for this skill to work well and, if there is no self-esteem on the other side, it is too "low" or too "high", it won’t work either.
• Better results in a negotiation, generating satisfaction. The assertive side will feel that their requests and demands have been heard and the other side will understand them better, being able to make a decision.
• A greater understanding of others’ needs. Although assertiveness serves to express what a person really thinks or needs, it can help in developing the ability to understand as we all have points in common and an assertive person acknowledges that unites them as a bridge.

Assertiveness, as an attitude, works as a template in which thoughts will come from self-esteem and will serve as a reaffirmation to the person. It is part of a self-leadership attitude, part of the process of an individual reclaiming their power to lead themselves.

I would like to focus on this self-leadership and, in relation to this, assertiveness has two basic functions:

• Facing without confronting. Look at situations head-on, facing them. However, know that you don't need to fight people or situations; confrontation is the last instance of a conflict that, in general, can be solved through several ways and assertiveness is a tool of empowerment.
• Defending without contesting. Defend your ideas, without renouncing principles or vocation and specifically, without fighting with others. It enters into the same function as before, but especially in the stage of conversation or negotiation in which the other party makes their demands; it is key to be protector of what is valuable, without the competition that often happens.

But how does it work?

Without assertiveness, it would be quite complex to make changes in the daily routine, without upsetting a partner or neighbors, or to start a meditator path and expect people in your office to understand your new lifestyle...

Assertiveness will guarantee that you handle talking to your partner, clearly describing your new daily routine, negotiating without giving up what is important to you and obtaining successful results. The same will happen in your work and in all areas you touch in life.

Experience assertiveness and live in an inspired way.

Memory… is it nostalgic, or can it be a positive factor in our lives?

Nowadays if you browse for a while in your favorite platform, you will find songs from all times!

Nowadays, old movies are back!

Nowadays, we have a tendency to go into the memory lane more than ever…

Yes, nostalgy, saudade, that feeling you often can’t name or pinpoint, but you know it very well. They are emotions that enable you to travel through time and experience things of the past as if they are taking place now. Right now…

My question is: are those emotions or feelings good?

NO!

Yes…

It all depends. Memories can feed depression, conflicts and even a sense of powerlessness.

On the other hand, memories can be used is as an inner motivation, often coming from an understanding, which changes the present attitude.

Yes, you are in trouble now, but can you remember that time you were able to win in a similar situation?

OK, you are fighting (again) with your best friend, but do you remember how good that person is and how much joy you had together?

By focusing on those memories, you will feel courage or you will be able to fix your friendship.

In this case, they are not only positive, but encouraged. Many years ago, a very wise yogi teacher was giving a class, in which she shared about someone who was not so well at that moment. She suggested the person to remember the best memories and relive them in their minds.

The effect was immediate: the individual was transported to that moment, there was an experience of peace and happiness, calm in the mind and decisions could be taken. It is immediate…

So, my invitation is that instead of drowning in the memory of better times, use it as a leverage to change your attitude or behavior.

Too much learning is good, but…

Particularly in the West, we may take decades engaged in learning in schools and other institutions, besides what we learn at home, on the streets or temples. And it is not a bad thing.

In fact, learning as a desire, habit or hobby should be part of our personality, specially in our fast-changing world. Even to buy a new cell phone or going to a supermarket after a few months is a challenge.

The reason is that with every change, we need to adapt and to do that in a successful way, there is no alternative to learning. Well, maybe suffering…

And this is the age of changes, they are everywhere for every reason. So, it should be the Age of Learning too.

Why is not so? Why do we see more and more illiterate people in various areas of work or society? There are a few reasons for that.

The first one is to not follow changes. As the learning curve can be quite steep, it may be a wise decision, but not always practical, due to professional or personal commitments. It is the case of many parents having to learn the lingo of social media, so they can help their kids navigate in this new world, even though they may not want to do.

The second reason is that the learning curve is too hard for some people because of their age... There is a paradigm that connects age and change, which means many people just not even try to learn something because they are old. This means they will have difficult to use transportation, to withdraw some money and even to travel. This is not true and there are plenty of examples of people who have challenged these misconceptions. True, it may be hard for some people, but it is possible with some effort.

Another reason is that there is no time to catch up. It happens a lot for those who work in a fast-paced industry, as things can change brusquely and there is no time to really try and grasp what is going on. However, I do remember a former CEO who decided to take a course on accounting after his company suffered a fraud by their accountant. Discernment will guide those people to dedicate their time in learning what is really important, otherwise leadership will help to have the right people surrounding them.

Don’t think you cannot learn. You can, just understand how. And keep on learning…

 

About love and compassion, mercy and understanding

Many times, while reading the news, the conclusion is that our world has turned into a very dry place…

So, would you try to use a bit of water of love? Just give other people something: a smile, a kind word or an object wrapped with good intentions.

Maybe a bit more water: the water of compassion. Embrace the other one – it could be physically or spread your warmth around the other person, telling them I am here for you.

More and more water… this time the water of mercy. Like a nurse, help others in their healing, by tirelessly offer them something special – maybe your role as mother, your capacity as an engineer or your ears as a friend.

But it is the last water that will make all your effort fruitful: the water of understanding. With understanding, forgive and open new doors of opportunity for people; with understanding, change the best you can and help others in their own change, and with understanding, help the world.

Courage = Faith + Determination

At these times of pandemic, we have seen heroes who are changing our world and helping us, if not selflessly, undoubtedly beyond their own capacity: doctors, nurses and people who are laboring in hospitals are risking their lives. It is courage.

Some would say it is their job; others would say they didn’t have a choice, but IT IS courage, and you know what, courage is the result of a very interesting formula:

Faith + Determination = Courage

In the example mentioned, faith comes from their profession and their call, the reason for what they are doing what they are doing; determination comes from a sense of purpose.

What about you and me? How much courage do we have?

Well, let’s go to the formula and check our faith – I am not meaning the religious faith although it could be it:

• Looking at the negative situation in front of me, how much do I feel confident I will overcome it?
• If I don’t feel I can conquer this situation, what can I do so that I feel OK even though this is happening?
• Looking into my past, which other situations I was able to go through well, that can teach me a useful lesson for the present circumstance?

In relation to determination, the best way is to:

• Understand what is going on, what are the best steps I can take now and my next steps.
• Experiment with thoughts and ideas, exploring new ways to put them into reality.
• Keep on checking the self and results, motivating the self to move forward no matter what.

By strengthening both faith and determination, naturally courage will come from within, enabling the person to shape their reality and hopefully, other people’s reality. A new hero is born…

Do you have problems to make decisions?

What is the problem with making decisions?

First, why is it important to make good decisions?

By looking at a macro view, things are not OK… There are crisis everywhere and in every way possible, which probably means, in a micro perspective, that we are not making the best decisions we could.

If we extrapolate a bit: a community, society or country is the result of all our lives, so the result of all our decisions together.

So, if you and I start to make decisions that are more effective, that will have an impact in the whole…

Second, how to make better decisions then? These three points may help you:

1. Understand this: a decision cannot be unmade. Really. Even though you make a decision and change your mind, get a divorce or leave your job, that decision has affected you anyway. Any decision has weight in our lives, whether we recognize it or not, so to make an effective decision is crucial. Life is the result of all our decisions…
2. Before acting on a decision, reflect. All decisions must be made after a process of discernment. Take in account logic and intuition, your pragmatism and values; the more balanced is the discernment, the better will be the actions coming from it.
3. Be aware of decision fatigue. Before making a decision and acting on it, take a short break, meditate or just relax. This tiredness is not only in relation to physical aspects, but because decisions are something you cannot undo, there is always a subtle fear or anxiety. If you are tired at the time of making a decision, that won’t be so effective.

How many candles?

In some cultures there is the habit of putting a number of candles corresponding to the number of years the person is celebrating and for some people it may be embarrassing as they have an age consciousness.

For me it is pretty good, as I carry my 54 years with the greatness of being such a special person and the humility of so much I have to learn yet… However, as part of my personal tradition, I have been doing a double birthday.

The reason is that on the same day I was born, I became aware spiritually, 36 years ago. Both summed up to 90 years. So, yes, I am 90 years old...

As the sum of its two digits is 9, if you ask me, that is the number of candles in my cake… But which candles?

Candle # 1 must go for GOD; without Him, I can’t even imagine how my life would be. I think candle # 2 is for GRATITUDE, for all I have had the chance to be, for the greatest opportunity of all to be born. The # 3 is for ACCEPTANCE… I took some time to accept myself as I am and to change on the basis of what I have accepted. I tell you, this procedure is working… Number 4 is CHANGE and my life is dedicated to change every day, towards my self-transformation. SPIRITUALITY was not in my map, it was not part of my paradigm and now it is my paradigm; number 5 is for this important aspect of my being.
 The candle # 6 is for LOVE, a feeling with which I have struggled for some time, but I realised it has been within me all the time. Definitely, I need a candle for DETERMINATION, which is # 7. Particularly In my darkest days, being determined was the way to come out of situations and re-create my life, again and again I was thinking # 8 should be hope, but then I remember another pillar of my personal process has been CREATIVITY. I am not sure how I became a creative person, but that is what I am, and I love it. For a deep reflection, UNDERSTANDING is my last but not least candle, # 9. I am not always looking for understanding from others, but my main effort in life is to understand what happens and get the best from it.

And you, how many candles in your next birthday cake?

A Happy birthday from me to myself…

An apple a day is healthy if it does not stay until the next day… – Reason 32

Imagine you buy a green apple.  Can you see it in your mind screen?  Fresh, looks tasty and wonderful…  Don’t eat it!  Let’s suppose you just forgot it in a bag you seldom use.  After many weeks, you get out the bag again and you find the same apple still there…  What do you see now?

It is probably gone brown and rotten, and you can’t imagine how you even wanted to eat it!

When something happens, there is a tendency to hold on to it somewhere in our mind and heart.  In fact, if that is good, just like the example of a green apple, after a time it becomes bad too and for some reason, people keep going over the same bad situations again and again, more than with good things. 

As time passes by, it poisons the personality and the mind creates a habit of thinking negatively.  A leader however doesn’t store the ‘apples’ of situations in this way.  How?  Although it is not possible, or at least very difficult, to prevent bad circumstances to take place, leaders approach it differently.

First of all a leader wouldn’t let an apple like that remain uneaten.  Eat the apple is a metaphor to accept all situations in life and to deal with them instead of postponing decisions.  Sometimes apples are sweet and you eat them raw, other times you have to cook them, so they taste better; no matter what, the sooner you deal with it, the easier it will be, and a leader knows it.

Second, a leader will be able to do something with the situation, so that acceptance does not turn into a synonym for suffering.  To learn lessons, to develop other aspects of personality and to enjoy positive company are some of the possibilities related on how to eat the bitter apples life gives us.

Third, a leader will keep his or her heart clean and open to new experiences, so that no rotten apples are left in the bag.  Many more things will come in the future and this attitude will help the leader to be light and to face circumstances in a better way, open to new ‘apples’ yet to come.

(Excerpt from the book 82 Reasons to be a Leader)

Even small things that happen to you contribute to your personal development – Reason 31

My first job was such that I don’t ever include it in my curriculum.  However, I learned so much from it; small lessons that help me to keep organised in a very fast-paced world.

There is always something that will help you to be a better person, if you just take the time to look for that, no matter what it is.

Leaders do take their time to look at everything that happens to them and by doing that, they are able to transform a seemingly useless situation into opportunities for personal growth.

Take for instance a person like Steve Jobs[1], arguably one of the most important leaders in the field of technology.  In his speech at Stanford, he summarised his experiences in life; casting light on at least one thing that wouldn’t look as important, but had a huge impact in computing as we know today.

When he could not afford college, he took classes which would not be considered so relevant to his profession: calligraphy.  That changed a world where computers were not supposed to offer aesthetics and Jobs thought differently, and he was right about it.  Not only does his computer offer a good image for writing or for graphics in general, but all personal computers in the world have now that aim, following Jobs’ example.

If you are a leader, remember how in a few years these things you are doing that may seem boring or irrelevant may turn part of your life and your gift to the world.

(Excerpt from the book 82 Reasons to be a Leader)

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[1] Steve Jobs is arguably one of the most influential people for the 20th and 21st centuries.  He is the founder of Apple Computer and an inspiration for many of the inventions that are part of people’s day-to-day lives.  For his well-known speech at Stanford University: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc

Are you able to see the invisible?

In a leadership parable on leadership, a prince goes to the forest to live for one year. His task: to observe all sounds he could and relate them to his master later. After relating his experience, his master sent him back as he was not content with his disciple’s achievements. After a while hearing the same sounds, the prince started to hear the unheard: a star rising in the sky, a rock moving in the sand…

That tale touched me very deeply, because the key for a good exercise of a leadership is in the unheard, invisible and intangible, those things we just perceive, but there is no measurement to it.

Big data is a big thing nowadays, it is what is making noise, but there is no comparison with the practical effect of small data, those details most programs, institutions and people ignore. Small data is invisible, unheard and intangible, but it is also very powerful: it is the small data that gave many surprises last year with Brexit, Donald Trump’s election and the victory of NO in the Colombia peace process referendum.

Leadership does not mean to leave all of the analysis, strategies and hard decisions aside, but it is time for leaders to focus differently: leaders need to change their focus from analysis to understanding, from strategies to intuition and from unilateral decisions to decisions that are accepted by others.

Otherwise, they too will become invisible.

Focused communication

It is common nowadays to consider communication as the very essence of all we live and experience. After all, what is life but a constant exchange of ideas, feelings, emotions and facts lived through our subjective lens.

However, it is not an easy experience. People may try to explain the reason why they can’t express their feelings or plans, or how difficult is to breach the gap between generations, genders or cultures, but in summary, it is tough to communicate.

This is a list of things you can do to improve your communication as communicator, recipient or part of a community.

• Understand the message. As humans we tend to flourish our messages or use various tactics to send it to others. It is important to have a much focused communication that you apply your energy into understanding what the real message is. On the other hand, if the message comes from you, make it as clear as possible for other people.
• Recognize the context. Any message is given within a context and it is a key process to acknowledge it. For instance, if someone who loves you, reproaches you, the context will be important to avoid anger.
• Know more about the receiver or the messenger. In this way, you can give the message in the way you want others to understand it, or you can go beyond the many words used and grasp the real meaning behind it.
• Communication is easier with values on your mind. Someone once defined values as the mufflers in the road of life. Without values, you can communicate and receive information, but it won’t be enjoyable and part of you will resist to that.
• One subject at a time. Even though many people make effort to multitask, it is not that easy. If you want to clearly communicate something, it is better to focus on one thing only or related themes, instead of showering others with your words.
• Beyond words. It is obvious words are not the only thing that communicates. Your gestures and the way you look at others also impact on people. Even the time you send a message to others will relay some information about who you are. Be attentive to those invisible details.
• Check the results. After the communication process, verify if the outcome was the expected one.
• Never take the blame, always take on the responsibility. Whenever communication fails, don’t take blame, but take responsibility at least in relation to understand why things didn’t go well.
• Correct your communication process. With humility and patience, change whatever you can in relation to the communication process that did not work.
• Try again. How many times did your mom tell you to brush your teeth? Human communication is an ongoing and eternal process. Fill yourself with patience and determination, and try it again. And again.

Always moving forward...

No matter how many or what kind of obstacles, we have to keep moving forward.

Not because someone is pushing us or we are told to do. Not because it is a natural instinct or it is a cultural feature.

We are moving forward because we understand.

Understanding is the basis of growth anywhere you look at. It is more than knowledge as it implies its application too. When we understand, then we move forward with a reason in life.

A human with an aim is unstoppable. A human without an aim... well, good luck for that!

My main concern is however how we are moving forward. In the past, we as civilization used to give emphasis to aspects more related to ethics than to the form, shape and image, as we are probably doing now. That creates an inner pressure that comes from the struggle between the ethos and the pathos, which is under the easy influence of environment.

Success is a good measure for that. It is natural, it comes when time comes and it always comes. But, in the present we want our moving forward to be measured by our own success.

And yes, there is a task's success - that is natural, it is what we aim for. But success as a whole thing, as that for which we are all looking forward to experience does not come from a task, a job or a book. It comes from a whole life, and a whole life is made by small steps, always moving forward.

By wanting success now we are breaking a subtle law of nature and we start to be under the influence of external circumstances. Irony is that by wanting success early, we miss it when it really comes as it finds us tired of so many struggles.

So, let's all move forward, but let's move from inside, from a deep perspective and in a way that is worthwhile.

The What's of life

If you go back to the post former to this one, you'll see a nice picture there, and I would like to really go through it.

• What you Love - that is what really make you move, challenge life and comforts, and change your perspective. This is why many people say that the only way for you to never work in life is to love whatever you do. But, LOVE, from the depth of your heart, with all your senses and understanding.
• What you Do Well - there are things that you don't necessarily love, but you know how to do it well. I know a person who is excellent with equipment, but he does not like that. Still, your specialities, skills and talents help you to serve the community where you live.
• What the World will Need - well, a part of what you do and are contributes to the world somehow. If you are able to identify those aspects of your life that the world really needs today, even though people don't know they need that, then your life will be worthy to the world itself.
• What the World will Pay for - but there are things you can offer the world and, well, charge for it. They are important in a certain context and somehow they help people who appreciate that. And you are the best provider around!

So, now, I would like to ask you 4 questions:

1. What are you ready to do, it doesn't matter how many obstacles you will have to face to do it?
2. What are those things you do that people are satisfied and happy with that.
3. Do you know what you do that makes your heart deeply satisfied because you were able to help the whole world?
4. What are the main products you can offer to the world at this moment?

In the next post, we will talk about the intersections.