To learn, it is not that easy…

 

I remember when I was at school and Brazil was entering the "car age." Almost everyone was buying a car as they were relatively affordable, easy to drive, and even when you changed to a different model, learning to drive it wasn't a big challenge.

Today, we live in what could be called the learning age. The expectation seems similar: learning should be cheap and easy. Cheap... in many ways it is, at least for the average person. Although, if we look behind the scenes, the investment made by companies and governments is enormous. Perhaps one day those costs will come knocking at our door…

But the "easy" part? I'm not so sure.

Take one of the most common devices in our lives: the smartphone. Every model - even within the same brand - is different. Every time we replace one, we have to learn... again.

Or maybe we don't. That is probably the option most people choose. The changes in menus, layouts and features can be overwhelming, so we simply keep using the new phone as if it were the old one. We ignore most of what has changed because, for everyday life, what we already know is usually enough.

There is always a learning curve. It remains relatively gentle if we are happy staying within our comfort zone and using things as we always have.

But if we really want to take advantage of the new possibilities, the learning curve becomes much steeper.

And we are only talking about smartphones. The same is happening in medicine, education, technology, communication and almost every profession. Knowledge is expanding faster than our capacity to absorb it.

It is a paradox - a kind of K-Curve. Learning has never been more accessible, yet meaningful learning has rarely been more demanding.

So, what can we do?

• Understand the purpose of your learning. If you are buying a new phone, spend a little time discovering the features that will genuinely improve your daily life. Perhaps it has an excellent speech-to-text function or a tool that saves you hours every week. Learn what serves you, not everything it can do.
• Focus on what you really need to know. When you have to learn anything, compare different ways of doing it and choose the simplest, fastest and most practical path.
• Learn with discernment. A great course or an inspiring lecture can transform the way we think - and as a business consultant, I strongly believe in lifelong learning. Still, before committing your time, ask yourself three questions:
• Will this change the way I think about or approach my work?
• Will it give me practical tools to improve?
• Am I truly going to use what I learn?
• The first two questions help you evaluate the quality of the learning. The third helps you evaluate its usefulness. If the answer to that last question is a clear "no," perhaps this is not the right time.
• Finally, remember that you do not need to learn everything. Even doctors do not master every disease or treatment before they begin practicing; they continue learning by applying knowledge in real situations. The same is true for almost every field: you need a specific feature on your phone, you can learn it then; you want to build better relationships, you can work on them with the help of a coach. Knowledge grows through use, not merely through accumulation.

Perhaps the greatest skill of our time is not learning more, but learning better. In a world overflowing with information and knowledge, wisdom lies in choosing what deserves our attention, what deserves our time and what deserves a place in our lives.

Speaking, More Than Just Words

 

How much do I speak? This is my reflection today, because I speak a lot. Not only verbally, but also through many virtual platforms: emails, messages, social media, video calls, voice notes... And I am not the only one, as every day we are constantly sending messages to the world.

Yet, despite all these channels, communication often seems more difficult than ever.

Part of the challenge comes from the speed of modern life, something to be taken at another time. Another part comes from something more fundamental: a lack of communication skills.

We do have many tools, but not always the ability to use them wisely.

Good communication begins long before words leave our mouths. It starts with clarity of thought. If our ideas are confused, our message will likely be confusing as well.

It also requires values such as lightness, respect and genuine consideration for those who receive our message.

Perhaps most importantly, meaningful communication comes from the heart. People rarely remember every word we say, but they often remember how we made them feel.

Communication is multidimensional. Others receive our message not only through words, but through tone of voice, facial expressions, gestures, timing, and even the environment in which the interaction takes place. A simple message can be strengthened - or weakened - by these subtle elements.

Before speaking, writing or posting, it may be worth asking ourselves: What message am I truly sending? And what energy accompanies it?

In other words, when our communication becomes more conscious, our relationships become more harmonious. And that benefits everyone.

The Effect of Motivation When It Comes from Within

 

Motivation can come from the outside, but the truth is: one day it fades. When that happens, both our performance and our life can take a hit.

But motivation can also come from inside. From within the self - and that kind isn’t at the mercy of external factors.

Take this example: you’ve got a big project ahead. It demands long hours and a lot of effort. At first, your external motivation is high: the challenge excites you (it’s something new), you’re working with a solid team, and the pay is great (four months’ salary in one go!).

Then reality sets in: the challenge stops being new as even the most exciting project eventually slips into routine; that team you praised? turns out those people are a pain, arrogant and difficult, and to top it off, you discover your sister-in-law is making 30% more at the same company for a similar work. Just like that, your external motivation evaporates.

Now let’s flip the lens. Same project, but with a different type of motivation, an internal motivation. You see it as an opportunity to train and to grow your skills, strengthen patience and determination and reinforce self-esteem. By the end, you have become better, regardless of the pay, the novelty or the people. These inner drivers don’t just vanish - though they do need to be cultivated.

In times like these, any kind of motivation helps. But it’s good to remember: we don’t always need to look outside to stay motivated.

 

This is the first post in a series about motivation - starting from within.

Discovering that part of yourself that is hidden from others

Johari Window: exploring the hidden parts…

 

You have a secret!

Maybe the reason you have it is because you consider it so valuable, you don’t want to share, at least not to everyone and not until this moment; which is OK, after all, treasures are to be kept. They are an object of legend! Right?

I give you an alternative. Find the right moment (soon, please!) and show that talent you have, what you have been studying or the wonderful discovery you are not revealing to others.

In fact, the more you expose your treasures, the more you will develop them.

However, there are secrets you don’t tell others because of some type of fear. What are they going to tell me if they know this?

If you really want to develop a good relationship with other people, those secrets can turn into an obstacle. There are a few options for you:

• Find the RIGHT MOMENT, that instant people will value what you have. It is true particularly in relation to talents or skills.
• Generate a space of dialogue and talk to those people, open your heart. Before doing that, take some mercy balm in the form of a nice book with encouraging words or a song that will remind you how great you are. This is specially for those secrets that can harm a relationship.
• In both cases, I suggest you to meditate before doing any of those things. Meditation will empower you.
• If people hurt you because what you have shown or told them, don’t cry. The meditation will help you to not get into despair and something good you can do is to remind yourself THAT IS MY TREASURE. As they didn’t recognize its value, it is time to look for other people who will value it as much as you do.

There may be many more reasons for you to keep things hidden from others, but I would like to highlight two more:

• Self-doubt. Yes, you have that treasure, but you are not sure it is so interesting or others need it. The best thing for that is to talk with someone you trust and work on what to do about it.
• Maybe OTHERS haven’t acknowledged you have that treasure. Well, that hurts! You have already shown them, you have talked to them and you have posted it everywhere, but people seem to ignore it or at least they don’t give the value you think it should receive. Well, in that case, a talk with experts in the area of your treasure will clear your mind in relation to others’ reasons. After that, you can plan what to do to make others appreciate that wonderful treasure.

No more problems…

OK, nobody likes a problem, but, you know what, they are good…

Problems enable me to make progress in life. Most of the time, problems make me reflect and understand reality in a different perspective and to be sincere, how boring a problem-free life would be!

In reality the problem is not with problems, but the lack of understanding or methodology to deal with them. Think about someone who does something you consider a problem in a cheerful way, like climbing a cliff or talk with their teenager child…

So, the real problem is to learn and to develop skills.

Next time you face a problem, don’t run, don’t evade, you don’t even need to change its name (a challenge…), just face it! Check:

• How do I see myself after overcoming this problem?
• What do I have to learn to deal with it?
• How am I going to learn it?
• In case there is not enough resources to learn (time, finances, etc.), what are other ways?
• What can other people help me in terms of learning or practicing skills to face this problem?

Leaders have no impossible obstacles – Reason 39

A leader never sees an obstacle as impossible.  Maybe it will take time and the leader will have to learn many new things to overcome it, but nothing is impossible.

There are several reasons for that, all related to a leader’s wisdom.  First, a leader won’t get into a situation without having the resources, skills or need.  His or her discernment is very sharp and is able to identify this at the onset.

Second, if it does happen that a leader is going through a circumstance that is beyond her or his capacity or resources, she or he will be humble and eager to learn how to win this particular batter, by asking for help or trying harder.

And yet, if not even that makes things possible, a leader is humble enough to accept defeat, embrace it and turn it into a victory through having learnt something useful for the future.

 (Excerpt from the book 82 Reasons to be a Leader)

Negotiations in times of disruption

2016 will probably be known as the division year. It seemed there were always some problems somewhere where roughly half was in favor and half against. Even though negotiation techniques are so advanced, not much was acquired through that.

All negotiations happen with a basic standard principle:

I want something you don’t want to give me, but I know you can.

You probably want something from me that I don’t want to give you even though I can.

Let’s talk and reach some type of compromise and make a deal.

But nowadays it is much more complex:

I want something you don’t want to give me, but I think you could...

You probably want something from me that I don’t want to give you, or I cannot give you and you think I can.

Let’s struggle, see who is more powerful or who are more in need and reach some type of compromise (we will probably regret later).

These are times of disruption, which means, things are not working in the same paradigm as before and yet, the new paradigm is not working either. Looking at the bright side it is innovation in its extreme; in its dark side, it tends to generate chaos. Does it sound confused? It should…

For instance, the political aspect: in Colombia, many people who voted for YES during the peace process referendum were considered as leftist. However, most of these people I know who did vote YES wouldn’t back up Venezuelan government, which is leftist… Using that logic, any attempt for negotiation based on politics only won’t work.

Due to that, we need an alternative for it, something that takes in account the disruption process we are experiencing:

I understand I have a need or an opportunity to grow, but I am not in tune with you, your needs or opportunities.

Before talking to you, I must understand your side better and see what we both could compromise that wouldn’t hurt either of us. It would be nice if you do the same, otherwise at least my side has to make that endeavor.

We need a space and time to talk, far from the situation, using techniques that help us to reach a final commitment. Probably, it won’t be the perfect deal for neither of the sides, but it can be considered as a first stage of a long-term negotiation; possibly, it will be needed to repeat this many times more until there is satisfactions in both sides, which we hope we would reach.

It is a new era and new talents, new skills and a total new awareness are needed to help the various fragments of the big disruption we are living to reach a point of satisfaction and allow us to keep going.

Do you live to serve?

A saying has been told me many years ago:

If you don’t live to serve, you are not worthy to live

In theory, this is in the Sao Paulo Fire Brigade Headquarter, but I was never able to check the validity of that and yet, I could not agree more with the idea of service as the foundation for a fulfilling life.

In a society focused on the person and personal satisfaction, we got into a cycle of taking and taking that is parallel to a cycle of being dissatisfied and unhappy. However, when you live to serve, something different happens…

The reason is that you can only serve someone if you have something to give the person: a doctor will give her or his knowledge and expertise, a priest will gave others his faith and guidance, a mother will give her time and energy, and so on.

So, when you dedicate yourself to serve others you automatically develop some skills and capacities that otherwise would take too long to being developed.

For instance, if I want to serve others by writing this blog, I need to reflect, to write well, to improve my English (thanks for your patience, by the way!) and make many more efforts so that the person on the other side of the screen can get something out of this, something valuable.

But those skills are not restricted to the task in hand; it will also help me to improve my relationships, to get better professional projects and so on.

By living to serve, automatically you start to feel you are alive, because you are much more than what you used to think you were.

How to be a coach for yourself and others

After their victories, many athletes thank their coaches for their success. Why is that?

It is clear the athlete has won, not the coach. It is clear the talent, intelligence or capacity belonged to the athlete who won, not the coach. Why to thank him or her?

Everyone has potentials, but many times it is not properly developed. We got stuck into so many things that we just let our potential to be dormant whilst we are doing our own business. The coach's task is to help an individual to live that potential fully and to show that to the world.

For that, the coach would use many different techniques and skills. There will be an intense training and constant corrections, besides lots of celebrations every time that potential shows itself in a practical form. Without a coach, an athlete as good as they are, will be just another athlete, just another person.

Be your own coach and also help others using that attitude.

• You yourself must have some things clear, like the potential of someone, you or another person, and their dreams. As a coach, your success is your coachee's success.
• When there is a challenge, focus on the potential. The reality is there, you don't need to think of it or make others think of it. Just focus on the possibility of overcoming the challenge.
• Create a routine for training. Don't make excuses, don't accept excuses. Help in such a way the training happens naturally.
• When there is a drawback, talk. Dialogue helps things to be clear and the inner barriers to be removed.
• Never lose hope, never get disappointed. No matter what, potentials go back to their original state, that is, they go back to sleep. When things get bad, just go back to training and dialogue.
• A success has to be celebrated. Celebration helps to make the potential part of the individual, a feature or skill that will be easier to use when time comes.

Gentleness makes bitter things sweeter

When we enter into an organization, we have some functions that we have to comply, but the trickiest part is the link with other people. After all, we didn't choose them to be our partners, to be with us sometimes more than our own families, and still we have to relate to them and get the job done.

A few years ago, a friend told me a story. She was working in an office and one of her co-workers used to collect money for celebrating each other's birthdays. After a while she started to get upset with him as he was very persistent with the task. At some point, he approached her and even before talking to her, she reacted saying she was too busy. He said he was just coming to her because the day before it was his birthday and he had a piece of cake for her...

There are many ways to deal with other people in an organizational environment, but no matter the technique you chose, be aware of a simple recipe that will make you way towards others easier:

• When you see someone for the first time, greet the person before asking something or ordering something... Greetings open others' hearts and enable them to comply with your requirements easily.
• Keep a memory of other people's circumstances: their families, last time they were sick or some course they are taken. Ask them about it, enjoy their success, and be empathic with their failures.
• If someone has made something bad for you, you feel hurt and yet you have to work with them, look for a mediator who helps you to deal with that. Don't keep grudges, they are bad for you.
• If you have to talk to someone in an environment of anger or restlessness, by being gentle you can decrease the resistance of the other person and facilitate the talk.
• "Please"'s and "thank you"'s can help to make the work environment even lighter. Try and use them as many times as you want.
• Smile, and don't get tired of smiling at others. Appreciate what they have done, forgive and respect their mistakes. Celebrate their conquests as if they are your own.

And the wonderful thing is when that small recipe becomes part of you, part of your personality, your own ethics. It is then when you will be able to change your environment and transform your life.

Honestly...

Many years ago I was quite involved in the topic of values. I used to work on values in both ways, as a volunteer and professionally. At that time, I've met a very interesting person who worked with UNICEF. She told me something I've never forgotten: "the main challenge in relation to values is that people nowadays only learn anti-values."

And that is true. As I browse today's news, corruption and lies make the headlines. Nobody talks about people who stick to their own honesty; after all, honesty does not sell newspaper...

But honesty does create families, it strengthens friendship and it even impacts in our economy through its close cousin, trust. In fact, honesty is natural; a baby cries when is in need of some attention, there is no way the baby will fake that... The opposite, dishonesty, is learnt along the years, watching and observing others.

In an organization environment, honesty is crucial. Dishonesty can get you a customer once, but it will make you lose it forevermore. Dishonesty can avoid a reprimand by your boss, but when you share that with your co-workers, even though they congratulate you for your cleverness, you will love them as true friends; after all, if you lied to your boss, you can lie to any of them.

Even though honesty is not something that shows often in someone's curriculum, it is becoming a very valuable asset for the company. Peter Senge, in this masterpiece, The Fifth Discipline, talks about the practical effect of honesty in a company that sold computers. By sticking to that value, they saw their sales dropping - after all, other companies, using dishonesty as a tool, lied to their customers and were able to get their orders. Later, however the company started climbing and never stopped.

I am not saying you are not honest, but reality is today's people seldom are... From "white lies" to blunt corruption, honesty is living among us and inside us. It has become part of our way of life in such a way that an honest person is not fully honest... it is just that he or she is more honest than others.

OK, how can you develop honesty as a skill? First, let's understand a few of its benefits in the work environment:

• Solid relationship between co-workers, and the different levels of organization.
• Trust builds from honesty, so that the company has more loyalty from their customers.
• It is easier to deal with crisis, as everyone knows what everyone is doing and their capabilities.
• Tough decisions are less complicated as honesty provides the right environment for that to happen.

If you feel you can develop honesty in a higher level, these are some steps that can help you:

• Accept all your flaws and imperfections. As someone said, "perfection exists only in a cv". Don't try to be that right now, enjoy your present stage and don't deny any of that to yourself.
• Get someone you can really trust and always be honest with that person. No matter what, don't hide and don't pretend; that person is the best friend you have, cultivate her or his friendship.
• Any time you tell a lie, or in any other way you break your own honesty, at least be clear about that to yourself. If you don't feel the courage or don't have the time to mend whatever you did, sit down, reflect and meditate. Whenever you feel like, talk to someone about what you did, ask for advice, try and follow it.
• If you make a "heroic" honesty act, give a prize to yourself! Go and spoil yourself with some nice ice-cream, chocolate or a day at the beach.
• Generate spaces of dialogue in your company or family. In this way, little by little you will feel open about telling others what is really happening with you.
• If there is any punishment after you have been honest, talk to the person who did that later. Explain your reasons and listen to their own reasons.
• Love yourself. When you love someone, you can't even think of lying to them...

By practicing this skill, slowly it will become part of your own personality, your own personal ethics. Then, it will be as natural as breathing.

Humor, the essence of your own life

No jokes on chickens or bars; humor is taking the world.

Beforehand, only a few people could make use of it. Nowadays, anyone tries to use humor as a weapon against being bored or to avoid conflicts. I am not talking here about irony or sarcasm, humor's "evil twins". I am talking of a pure and sensitive humor sense that enables someone to change the view in relation to any situation, no matter how dark it is, and, of course, turn the environment a little more cheerful...

And that is fundamental when you work, in your family environment or at the time to talk to your neighbor about his unhealthy habit of playing loud songs at 11.30 pm... Because humor presents the situations in a new different light and resistance is decreased by that quality, allowing changes to happen. Real sensitive humor; other types of humor probably will help you to get a smack on your head or you will have to watch over your shoulder for the rest of your life expecting revenge...

Personally, I was never a funny guy, but I noticed something... It was in Chile, in '92, when I was leaving the last company I worked there, coming back to my birthplace, São Paulo. I used to work for Borland, at that time one of the giants in software for microcomputers; I started to make jokes to lighten the atmosphere of my farewell party when a co-worker mentioned that I used humor to deflect sadness... And I must say she was totally right, after all what do you think it is better, to laugh or to cry?

With humor I can accept a bitter order by my boss or avoid retorting to some comment my dad made. I can fall and laugh at that and I can make jokes on my own failure... Real humor gives comfort and strength, but it only works when it comes from you, from your own dharma as a person.

But, how to develop that? First of all, if you don't have sense of humor, believe me when I tell you can develop it... Second, try to detach from your own self. German, a great Chilean comedian, says that his trick is to make jokes on himself, not on others' expenses; this makes his videos very funny as they came from his own experience. So, if you can detach yourself, you can use your wonderful life as a source of humor, and I tell you, what a source!!!

A last tip: smile a lot. Laughter can last for some time; while smiles can last forever, generate a light environment and make people opener to your comments... they can even laugh at that!



P.S. Well, it is kind of lacking some humor in here...
Do you know why I don't like performing, not even dancing in front of others? Well, when I was a child I decided to perform in front of my whole class (and the whole school, in fact). I was the frog who turned into the prince, you know the story... I still remember the moment I raised and declared myself as the prince, something happened there and people laughed at me forever, destroying a very promising future actor!!

The ability to keep an open mind, as part of your personal ethics

Many years ago, I saw a book at a friend's desk. Unwisely, I've made my comment (negative) about its author, to which my friend replied: "The thing I don't like you is that you don't have an open mind!"

On one hand, that helped me checking my own attitude and it made me realize I lacked that particular talent. But it is quite a difficult skill, I must tell you! At that time, I just responded to my friend: "Well, if you have an open mind, of course you don't mind my comment..."

What is to have an open mind? Does that mean to deprive yourself of opinions and concepts, and rather say YES to whoever comes to you?

I confess this is a skill I am still working out. I used to have very strict opinions, believing things were either black or white. I was communist for some time, trying to counterbalance my lack of political education. After reading George Orwell's Animal Farm and some personal research, I got quite disillusioned with that ideology, and to be sincere, with any ideology. Around that time, I got into an Air Force school at my country, a typical right-wing environment and that helped me to go into a more balanced view in relation to politics.

So, part of my own learning on this skill has been to behave like a pendulum... going from one side to the other. However, it is quite long in terms of learning and not always pleasant.

At present, how I see that skill in myself? Bearing in mind I am still working on that, let me share some points that can help:

• It is important to see the benefit of having an open mind, which is to be able to relate to very different people, with very different opinions and ideas.
• I always keep in my mind an old saying, based on Niels Bohr own ideas: the opposite of a small truth is falsehood; the opposite of a great truth is another great truth.
• Even though I don't agree with a person, I must agree with the fact he or she thinks like that, and respect it.
• If another person's ideas interfere in my life, then I remind myself of my own value; if my ideas are the right ones, so I stick to that as much as possible.
• I don't get into conflict, but I don't accept ideas just like that; for someone else that can be fine, not for me...
• If someone has a total opposite opinion and we have to share actions together, it is good to talk to the person before anything, and keep in mind the differences.
• If someone has a total opposite opinion and dialogue does not work, don't work with that person, but keep the friendship as much as possible.
• Differences can turn into an advantage, if you know how to channel them.
• No matter what happens, you cannot stop loving someone.

If you have any other tips and tricks, share with us all!

How do you make decisions? Good judgment, personal ethics

There is a complex internal process that helps you to make decisions, bigger or smaller. It comes from your experience, the sensations of the moment and your approach in relation to the future, among other criteria that helps you to make decisions.

In a workplace, you are not only paid to make decisions, but you have to exceed others' expectations in relation to that, which means your decision-making skill should be refined and accurate.

How to do that? As humans, we learn with life by observing, accumulating knowledge and practicing. You can notice in your life that some decisions that used to take a long time to be made - what should I eat today? - are now a question of seconds, whilst others that used to take a short time - with whom should I walk along? - can take days now...

To develop that skill, you need a few things:

• Clear up your personal ethics. Ethics will be your main criteria, your compass at the time of making decisions.
• Use your experience as if it were gold. Everything that happened to you has helped you to be what you are today. That will help you to define who you will be in the future, as a fruit of your decisions.
• Don't be blinded by your experience. However, experience can be like an old rusted anchor preventing the ship to sail. A subtle balance is needed with an open mind and a will to experiment new possibilities.
• Others can think differently. Whenever you have to make a decision, don't forget others may oppose you. It is their right; we cannot impose decisions in our society. You will need to have some negotiation skills and a strong argument to defend your decision, but it all starts from your feeling they have the right to think differently, and that is OK.
• Mistakes are great. For someone who is learning, mistakes are great teachers. Learn from them, don't fear them. If your decision goes wrong, apologize, learn and keep making decisions.

By doing the former steps, you will feel you can make decisions faster and better.

Whilst dealing with situations, be yourself

There is nothing more powerful than what I call "personal ethics". Authenticity is the best way to handle crisis and problems that come on our way.

You know, I do believe that anything that comes, it comes because I am able to deal with it. Life is wonderful teacher and it won't waste its time by sending you tests you can't solve.

Big issue here is that we normally go outside looking for solutions and we forget going inside. But we can fix them by learning and practicing some simple skills:

• Good judgment. Learn how to make better decisions that will impact and change situations.
• The ability to keep an open mind. Always be open to learn something new, or another person's perspective.
• A great sense of humor. It is a medicine and it works!
• Honesty. It will always make the message to touch others' hearts.
• Good manners. It will help others to be open to whatever you say.

So, we will be going through each of these skills, but by now, just be yourself. Accept and appreciate whatever you are, and see its impact in whatever you are living.

Negotiation skills when dealing with situations

Situations come up from time to time in our lives. As someone said once, the world is like the ocean and you can't control the waves...

Some situations are easier than others; some last longer than others, and some can even take you into desperation. But, at least in some cultures, there is nothing worse than crisis somewhat provoked by other people.

Yes, it is awful to lose your job or be in danger of losing that house you would love to live in, but what about when your wife is critically ill or your boss is preventing you to make the deal of your life?

There is a whole school in management for negotiation, which can help you to deal with those situations where humans are a main factor. With those skills well developed you can negotiate some time off your job to take care of your wife properly, or perhaps invite some relatives to help caring of her.

But, I would like to focus in the skill of persuasion, which would be very useful for you in convincing your boss to help you with that big deal.

Persuasion can be understood differently according to intentions and even culture. Its interpretation can vary from charisma to manipulation, but its real meaning is probably located midway.

It is basically the ability of convincing people to do something they wouldn't otherwise do. It is so important that Warren Bennis used that same concept while defining a leader. For the skill to be developed, you need some training in:

• Understanding situations deeply. Don't stay in the surface; merge into the depth of anything happening, understanding its roots, development and consequences.
• Trying different perspectives. If you want someone to be convinced of something, you need to understand their point of view, with respect and without judgment.
• Patience and perseverance. No negotiation can really happen without this wonderful couple of human qualities. Whilst patience will enable you to wait for the effect of your talk, perseverance will facilitate you to try different tactics.
• Having a "win-win" mentality. Although I personally don't like that expression, as it reminds me of the possibility of win more than another person, it is extremely useful in negotiation, especially at the time of persuading others. The idea is to have a focus in the profit you and the other people will receive by doing what they are doing.
• Being flexible. Yes, at any negotiation you will have to compromise. There is no way out for that. The idea behind flexibility, talked in another post, is to understand the limits you can go without hurting the negotiation for either side.

Charisma can be understood as some kind of "exuberant persuasion". Although many so-called leaders use, especially politicians, it does not fulfill the former criteria completely. Same happens with manipulation and amazingly as it is, both usually lack the understanding of others' perspectives...

Some people are natural negotiators; others need to train and train harder. Whatever the case, it is a powerful skill and not that difficult to mature.

Flexibility, as a skill

An interesting fable turned into a cartoon, which I watched when I was a little boy. It remained in my memory all these years because of its deep meaning.

In a certain rural area, an oak used to live along with some reed. Whenever a wind was blowing around them, the reeds bowed to it, whilst the oak kept straight and tall. The oak used to mock the reeds and boast about his strength.
Time went by and one day, a storm came. This time, strength was not enough and the oak was uprooted. After the storm ends, reeds were still there, alive and shining under the sun, but the poor oak would never be able to resist to any wind again...

To think of flexibility as a skill, you need to focus on two aspects of this fable:

• Strength is not always the main thing. In fact, we all have a particular strength, but sometimes that is not enough - it can be intelligence, a way of dealing with people and even professional skills. Sometimes, it is necessary to understand in order to empower the team; you need to accept others doing those things for which you are normally the expert. This will help others to increase their own self-esteem and will guarantee that when the storm of crisis comes, they will be there to protect the company, family and even you.
• The trick is the roots. One aspect very few notice is that reeds have long and deep roots, so it is not easy to uproot them. When I used to swim at small rivers in Brazil, I used to see their roots coming out in the water. What are our roots? That is, what is that we won't compromise, no matter what? For this skill, you need to have total clarity in relation to your own values and principles. In this way, when crisis comes, you will be able to resist to them.

Experiment with the present situation you are dealing now. Try to be flexible, try to put others in front and don't compromise your values. Check the results and smile as the reeds after the storm.

Proactive problem solving

When we deal with situations, the normal approach is reactive: we wait until things happen, and then we act.

What if we act BEFORE things happen? After all, we have so much knowledge, experience and intuition to understand if what is coming is a storm, hail or just a drizzle, and with that knowledge we can dress properly.

This skill requires a deep sense of observation and a lack of labeling. It requires a wide openness from your side, as things sometimes don't show their real appearance and you need to be open for anything that happens.

You have to be careful to not become paranoid... Proactivity is not based on fear, but on trends and observation. Let's see some examples of this skill practically:

• You can sense your son is going to have a hard time in his exams. Fear can generate an attempt of control from your side and you can even try to bully your kid into more and more study. Proactivity helps you to deal with that situation before it happens, so you can help your son emotionally making him understand he is loved no matter what, and you can show him you are available whenever he wants, if he needs some help with his studies.
• One of your salespersons is going for a big client and you can see he won't be able to make the deal. An afraid boss will decrease his employee's self-esteem by giving bad suggestions ("Why don't we send Jane instead?") or offering himself to go with him, but not with the right attitude ("Let's go together, so when things go south, I can fix them."). Proactivity will help you to invest more time in training, to dialogue with your people and to show respect for them in all situations; in this way, the salesman can look easier for help and prevent a failure.
• You can feel your health is not that good... Fear can make you either go for a doctor for any pain you feel, or hide from all doctors as you don't want to hear their diagnose. Proactivity will make you go to a doctor in a regular basis, keep a diet and a routine of exercises that help you to feel healthy, so when you really feel something worse is happening to your body, it is easier to detect, accept and go through a treatment.

Start right now: don't judge, just watch. Be open for changes in life and be prepared, but not afraid of them.

Leadership skills, for dealing with situations

We, humans, have an incredible ability to create "mess" in our lives... Somehow, problems seem to pop up at any moment, destroying the little comfort we create around us. Whether it is a situation that emerged in your familiar life, with some friend, in your work or something is happening in the country, and it is affecting you; your own leadership and the relevant skills can be your only way out of that.

But it is not only "dealing with the situation". The "John Wayne" style, of shooting then asking questions, is not working any more. It is not only the situations which are complex: we are too. People nowadays want to be happy, light in their lives; you will seldom find someone who wants to sacrifice himself or herself.

Therefore, what are the main skills a leader must have to deal with the situations and remain happy?

• Focus on results, work on processes and empower people. This is a key skill - to concentrate in getting results, but to improve the processes and empower your people. Normally, when there is a crisis at a company, they first fire people, then run to get results and don't bother about processes...
• Constantly updating. OK, not like a cell phone, but this leadership-related skill is vital for organizational survival. That means a constant will and ability to study and research, and come with innovative solutions.
• Future perspective. Especially when situations are too "gruesome", this is useful as it projects you towards the future and detach you from the present. This helps the person to keep focus and raise above all obstacles.
• Supporting and motivating. And situations will come. And come, and come... Support and motivation are two sides of the same skill that only works when it comes from the depth of heart, when the person really wills it. It is not only for others; a real leader will keep motivating the self and supporting the self as much as he or she can.

Out of these, I personally think the last one is the most important. When you are able to support and motivate both, yourself and others, it is easier to handle any circumstances and find a positive solution.

That means you need a different attitude in relation to people. For instance, if someone is giving you trouble, look at the person and think: what can I do to help this person? In this way, you will develop a strong bond between you and others. Thinking of future, when crisis arise, these people you supported one day will be there to give you their support.

For this skill, you have to:

• Train yourself to think positively about others and always give them another chance.
• Imbibe gentleness and kindness; learn how to approach people especially when you need to give them bad news.
• Learn how to reward others in a fair way.
• Learn how to be beside others when they fail, showing your teeth by smiling, instead of snarling.
• Understand very deeply the meaning of being a leader.
• Love, love and love, from your heart, everyone who is around you.

Do that and have a better experience at the time of dealing with situations.

Dealing with situations

As a chief, boss, manager, CEO, father, mother or friend, you are expected to solve situations. That is why you were "hired" or you accepted that position.

For that, you count with some training, even though it was informal. That training probably gave you important tools you use in the day-to-day life: a mother was probably trained by her own mother on how to deal with a teenager who does not want to follow the rules; a CEO will have training on how to save his company, and a boss will sit down with one of her employees to discuss a new project, based on the knowledge she got at university.

But you have probably noticed as situations are getting more and more complex and complicated. Solving a situation is like disentangling a thread... the more you do, it looks even worse.

I am going to explore four basic skills that can help you in dealing different situations that come to you:

• Leadership skills. They will give you the energy and capacity to deal with strong and difficult situations, especially those we normally consider crisis. One focus I will talk about is in relation to give your team what it needs to overcome that crisis.
• Proactive problem solving. Creativity and initiative will help you to deal with situations that are preventing success coming to your organization or team.
• Flexibility. Situations can change at any time, so flexibility, as a skill, can give you an advantage when the change comes.
• Negotiation skills. Many situations come from the human front. Negotiating with others, persuading them from a genuine and win-win point of view can solve problems very easily.

You cannot prevent situations to come, but you can learn how to deal with them, and be successful by doing it.