Lights of Christmas

If you would overfly the world, during Christmas, you would notice a wonderful Christmas tree with so many lights all over the place, in the shape of a beautiful blue globe.

And you would be able to hear the children’s laughter and see the wonder in their faces when they open their gifts. You would be able to catch the tender feelings of adults of any age and the happiness merged in the giving and taking that happens around that time.

But you would also see so many dark spots in the planet. Yes, a few of them are people who don’t believe necessarily in this tradition, but celebrate somehow in their own ways, the hope and joy and unity in their lives.

However, there are some dark spots that look even darker, because even though they do like Christmas, the tree and the lights, they do like hope and joy and unity, they don’t have neither of them…

And you would wonder “how come there are so many lights if so many people can’t have them?” And in your mind, you would visualize the whole world covered with lights.

For those who don’t have a Christmas tree, their light would be coming from their eyes and spirit, from their hearts and smiles. And you would be able to see hope embracing them once more, joy coming into their places unannounced and mostly welcome.

And you would see with your own eyes shining like a Christmas tree, their hearts uniting like magic and the sorrow, at least for one night, flying away scared of so much light…

And because all of that is happening in the subtle screen of your mind, you wouldn’t need to fly to do that. You can do it… right now…

Merry Christmas for a world full of light!

One week for Christmas, what to do?

Many people are totally focused in gifts. Other people have to conclude their works for the year as fast as possible. Of course, Christmas is coming.

The most universal Christian festivity is approaching very fast with colored packages, bulb lights, special movies, plays, songs, etc.

And yet, instead of getting caught into the frenzy of too many things, it should be a time of experiencing and giving happiness. This is a unique chance to go beyond the present situations and enjoy life and others, with no reason, just because we are all there.

It is the time to enjoy nature – if your weather allows for that – and talk to your elders, to the children and those equal to you. And if weather blocks you at the door, just smile and enjoy a nice warm cozy time within your house.

Maybe, it is the time to call that person who created so many problems for you or who have mistreated you. It is a time to forgive and ask for forgiveness, to give a hand and to receive help from many.

It is a time to open your heart… A bit more… Dancing on Christmas rhythm, when the impossible turns to be quite probable.

Because after Christmas… Well, it will be after Christmas and all magic will be over. The magic is now.

Sincerity may help your relationship

There are probably two killers of any relationship, common to any people no matter where they live or to which culture they belong to: routine and sincerity.

Particularly it is interesting on how this high praised and needed virtue can be a relationship killer. Honesty is fundamental, but in its heavy metal version, where honest words taste like bullets and hearts are destroyed, sincerity turns to be lethal.

And yet… Well, by studying virtues, I have notice they cannot work by themselves and they need to pair in the right order. For instance, humility can make people turn losers in life, but with courage or self-esteem, it helps bosses to be effective, human oriented and very effective.

At times when lying is so common and socially accepted in many cultures I know, at least at some level, an honest person is extremely valuable. Sincerity is even more treasured, as the person will have the courage to say whatever is in his mind… with kindness.

Probably the most spiritual and kind man I know, he is able to make you realize your mistakes without really telling them. He is open and trusting, and yet he is clear about his thoughts and feelings and don’t act against them, which is the core of sincerity.

Without sincerity, a relationship will be like a cliff hanger: you are really not sure about what will happen next…

Kindness, gentleness and mercy help sincerity to become an asset to the soul, enabling the individual to break walls that prevent an open exchange and build bridges that strengthen the relationship.

How to create an opportunity?

Normal belief is that opportunities just happen. During the 60’s, people start to get their lives into their own hands and a whole generation started to believe they could create an opportunity, but decades and many crises later, the old normal belief is probably ruling the world and people are feeling in general they don’t have other ways to overcome their situations.

It is true that marches are not working as they used to work before and most attempts to create something – a company, a new life, a new marriage – end in failure. Leaders are scarce and life is being lived on a day-to-day basis. But there is hope.

Yes, there is.

You probably have heard about SWOT Analysis. A little outdated, it is still crucial to get results in a fast way by identifying the main strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats.

From that perspective, you usually consider an opportunity as a situation or circumstance that may happen in your favor. But, by working on SWOT on a personal level, I have found out that an opportunity is (a situation to which you need) a strength that is still potential. In other words, you can create an opportunity by investing more time on some of your potentials.

It makes sense: instead of just focusing in your strengths, struggling with your weaknesses or fighting with possible threats, focus on that potential you know you have: maybe it is a skill you seldom use, or perhaps it is a quality others appreciate in you, but you normally don’t use it in a productive way.

Reflect.

Understand that potential, hidden behind many layers of other beliefs.

Invest time and energy to make the potential a reality and use it in life, turning an opportunity as part of your strengths, in a way.

Privacy at very public times

One thing I notice is that most people I know knows where I am. By the way, I know where most people I know are right now…

It seems that the time for total surveillance – and we could say matrix surveillance since everyone can check on everybody else – is here, for a few years now. So, what about privacy?

In fact, the feeling of privacy is needed to build a strong sense of self-esteem. Without privacy, it is hard to understand a person’s role in the society and, as a result, to love and appreciate the self, the very basis of self-esteem. Without self-esteem… well, we may have a society, but people won’t thrive for success, they won’t try their best and they will normally drift away.

However, in certain human civilizations, that is not so true. The example of Ubuntu in Africa comes to mind and it implies that self-esteem may also be built on the basis of a strong bond with each other, where everyone’s welfare means a person’s welfare.

Maybe the lack of privacy is pushing the rest of civilization to rethink itself; Ubuntu and other cultural practices and systems can provide a model for a new era where privacy wouldn’t be an issue due to its absence.

Patience, an underrated key for success

Very few stories show how patience is important in reaching aims.

In Chris Gardner’s story, shown in the movie The Pursuitof Happyness, however, patience is shown as a very strong quality that pushed the man onto his limits, until he was able to break it and come out of a very tough situation.

Maybe people think of patience as a person who waits in a queue, with no hurry and no ambitions in life, instead of a very troubled man who did not even have a proper place to live whilst struggling to take care of his son.

But that is patience: a quality or virtue that allows us to wait for results, giving us the needed energy to live, or survive, until they come. And for a patient person, one day those results come…

So, check your patience as your ability of having a goal, investing in that goal and waiting to reach for it.

Asking for help, a way to make others grow

An interesting feature I have seen in many leaders is the fact they ask for help whenever is needed. On the contrary, many people I have met whom I thought were leaders, judged themselves very independent and capable, and so they seldom asked for help; years later, my perception about their leadership changed considerably and I have been able to see them as good managers, far from real leadership.

Many reasons could be given for that, but a very simple one is the fact that by asking help, leaders are training others. This natural training is part of a long term education and it becomes fundamental in the other person’s growth and their own leadership, as a natural consequence of being led by a leader is that a person may be a leader one day.

In other words, whenever a person asks for help from others, they are giving them the opportunity to improve themselves and enhance their skills. It is also a way of checking how much of the leader’s influence has impacted that individual.

So, what is the difference between being dependent and give others a chance to grow? It is basically from the attitude of taking from others whatever they have, different than enabling others to work better.

Beyond praise: motivation without carrots or sticks

An old paradigm to handle people is the famous (or infamous) carrot or stick: the other does good, a reward comes; if he or she does it badly, then the stick beats them.

Well, you cannot say it did not work, as it lasted for a very long time and it is still present at many companies even today. Not far ago, Ken Blanchard has launched a book called Whale Done!, humans are compared with, well, you can guess – Whales! More specifically, killer whales.

However, most people are a little more difficult to be handled, or manipulated, than whales and there are various reasons for that:

• As humans, we are a very complex species. Sometimes carrots work, others don’t, because what really stimulates us to do something is normally beneath many other supposed reasons.
• So, praise has different effect in different people. For instance, it may help someone to perform better next time, but it is just a temporary incentive. Besides, the next time praise comes, it has to be stronger than its former version to make someone perform better.
• At some situations, praise does not work. If you are very good at what you do in terms of skill or dedication and someone praises you for something you already know you do well, so the effect is small as it is just an acknowledgment or credit, which should be given ALWAYS no matter what.
• For some people who are extremely good, they are not expecting praise, but they prefer to receive realistic feedback, quite often negative and so called stick; in this way, they can improve and reach excellence. In these cases, sticks are carrots.

Better, if someone does something exceptional, a big clap, flowers, chocolates or a nice meeting works very well. Also, people are much more informed nowadays and they don’t need praise as they used to, because they know what they are doing and its quality. Of course, as a rule, we should always acknowledge and give credit.

Based on this, what do people like you and me really need, in terms of motivation from our own managers or leaders?

• A leader should always be attentive to other people’s development, helping them to improve their skills. One-to-one meetings or powerful messages do the work very well.
• If someone is performing well, but the manager or leader feels this person is stuck into a particular level, training may be the solution. If the person is in a management position, a coach is needed to help clarifying their needs and the solutions.
• Space. Have you ever been to Google’s office? They give people space so they can create, make lots of mistakes and come with wonderful ideas.
• Failure isgood. For long and middle term, the fact the other has failed means they have tried. If the failure is big, that only means they tried A LOT. It is time for some guidance, a nice talk and let the other reach success, a place you can’t go without having failed a few times.
• Time. A person is as productive as his mind is free. Sometimes, the individual needs a time off, a moment to recover or get his ideas together.

Open to adventures!

As a young boy, I was the last person anyone would think to be adventurous. A nerd-to-be, I was even scared to cross the street…

But situations helped to open something in the soul. First, due to a lack of finances, I had to go walking to school every day. It was about half an hour, a long time for a little boy, and that time helped me to develop some physical resilience and even mental as at some point, I was attacked on my way back, which was during the night… Nothing bad happened, but I developed some sense of how to deal with the world around me without running away or isolating myself.

Years later, because I wanted an education my family would not provide, I’ve enrolled into a military school. Those three years at the Air Force were a big adventure and they opened my taste for the different and the risk.

My first life outside my birthplace, Brazil, was in Chile. Learning Spanish was very complicated and getting a job without speaking the local language, at a time when Portuguese was not a fashion as it is today in Latin America… The only position I got was as a salesman, but I was such a bad salesman that I ended being the boss.

That is the reward of risking and the adventure: you learn, a lot. It is much more valuable than any course or anything other people may formally teach you, because you are embedded in the environment like a weird rock at a beach, being molded by others and circumstances.

Every time there is a challenge, I know it is an opportunity to experience something that is there, just waiting for me…

Come on; let’s embrace our next adventure together!

The soft side of a technical person

Many years ago, whilst taking a very important course that eventually would change my life, someone mocked of engineers in general due to their lack of communication skills and general sensitivity to other people.

As I identify myself as a technical person, I felt… It was fair, but not a nice thing to hear.

I understand what this person has meant as it is very common a technical person using logic instead of feelings while taking a decision or talking to other people, and although it works well, it doesn’t cover all dimensions.

A good example for me was when I was a programmer. My aim was to create good effective software for users, to save their time and to help the organization, but I really didn’t take in account their difficulties or issues at the time of implementation. One of the features of a particular application was a command that would display the present time (yes, I am talking about long, long time ago, when computers did not display the present time). The user struggled with that function and eventually, to save memory, I planned to eliminate it completely, and of course, I’ve blamed the user! Today, I see the problem was not the lack of effort by him, but my lack of proper communication and effort to training the user.

Many years later, an auditor shared a story. The company was going through SAP implementation, something that is costly in terms of money and energy, and many times have resistance from the part of users.

His company used to produce and sold beers. In this particular case, they were dealing with the delivery: a truck would come, present a sheet with all the order details, the person in charge would input that into the system, receive the proper authorization; then the truck would load the boxes of beer and leave.

However, the computer was far from the gate, about 100 meters, so the employee used to take time to reach there… due to that, he started to get slack in relation to the system, giving the beers and later inputting the information. Eventually, the company was robbed – it was only when the young man introduced the details realized the order was fake, which was too late, as the truck had left already. My surprise was that the auditor did not blame the employee and worked hard to fix the situation. Technical people do understand others…

A few years later, I had the opportunity to work with a very technical team. When we were planning the workshop, as a surprise, one of our meetings took place at the general manager’s home as he was still on vacation. He opened his house and the hearts of the family to us and it was beautiful to see a very human interaction. I was inspired and the workshop with them started by identifying their dreams…

Nobody is uni-dimensional. We are very complex people, with many layers and many levels. If you are a technical person, enjoy that soft side; if you have a friend or relative who is technical, enjoy their soft side. It is always there…

A riddle in our lives…

Who am I?

This question is probably the easiest one, for which we give our names, profession or status, depending on who is asking. Besides the truth, we can even lie or tell half-truths as a response. So, it is an easy question, right? Easy answer…

In fact, all we do, all we have and all our different states depend on the response, mostly the answer we give ourselves, because it is our identification that is our awareness, and according to the awareness the rest happens.

For instance, if your response is that you are a very talented person, it will be probably easier for you to look for a good job as you will have enough self-confidence to do that. However, if you think of yourself as someone without training or education, result will be different.

A reflected answer of this question may solve the biggest problems in the world and your biggest difficulties too. Who am I? Think about it, then decide and act.

Do we need politicians?

Brazil had a long dictatorship that lasted for around 25 years. I was born and brought up around that time and I was unable to see their impact until I was much older, capable of understanding my own environment. One of the impacts was take the political spirit out of people like me.

I consider myself as apolitical while living in a very political country – Colombia had civil wars provoked by this. It is often difficult to relate to others in that area.

A person with no political mindset will see things as they are, not because of some ideology that proposed it or a party that is trying to block it.

And as a non-political person, I do question: why do we still have politicians? Yes, there was a time population was small and isolated, so a few people could rule over the others – after all, these others were their relatives, neighbors and friends, so it was easy to keep some level of observation on them and propose needed changes in the environment.

I’m not talking of Romans, whose democracy was restricted to a small group of people. Switzerland was the place where politics became a solution for coexistence and size was a definite factor, it seems, as the failure of politicians in most places is related to the growth of our numbers and also our complexity as a society.

I would like to go beyond advocating the end of politicians: it is time each of us to take over our role as leaders of our own selves. This would help the present structure to work better as people will act more consciously and with less influence from other people. Decisions will be made according to needs and resources, not interests and influence.

At a time of sunset for politicians, self-leadership is the best possible replacement, generating a silent resolution for a better world.

Teamwork: the secret…

I remember a scene where my mother tried to make me get a few friends. Her strategy was practically throwing me out in a group of other boys and girls, while she was talking with her own friends. Sometime later, a crying boy went to her, begging to leave the place and going back home, which was quite nearby.

Years later, that same boy is still amazed on his ability of getting involved in groups or teams in general. Many years have passed by and it helped to study at a military school where he had to share a room with two hundred other guys and to move out from my original city and country.

We are human beings and social relationships should be natural, but it is not always the case. That is why companies spend lots of money (or they should…) to train people to work and live together.

In my experience, both as a person and as a consultant who train people to work in teams, I could summarize the main need as the need of bonding with others. In other words, it is just a question of helping people to understand why and how to link with other people at some level.

Many years ago, when I was trying to leave India, I had problems with the airline as they did not consent me to carry more than the allowance. It was a big deal at that time and I had to leave around 10 kilos at the airport…

When the plane landed in Moscow, before getting an international connection to my final destination, I was feeling the need of being with other people I could talk and relate. I realized there was a Chilean guy in the plane, so I’ve approached him and we started talking. Soon, we were around 8 Latinos enjoying ourselves in a very cold night at the airport.

Bonding comes from finding a common ground, solid enough you and others can step on. The second important element is sharing what is valuable for others and accepting what is valuable for you.

One of the companies I have worked more in Colombia was in a very nice city called Barranquilla. I used to travel quite often to that part of the country, near the Caribbean Sea. My job specialty is mainly outdoor games as they open people for possibilities and it is very funny.

The Human Resources manager of that time came at the end of the day, after many games. She was surprised when saw two people bonded – literally, bonded by a rope. They were working with the rest of the team, looking for accomplishing something and she told me they had serious problems between themselves and they could not work together…

As bonding is not natural, if it is not happening it is important to stimulate it. Challenges help that to happen, if you follow this simple formula: big enough to create interest, but small enough to be conquered.

When bond is there, team work will be a natural consequence.

Fearing death or living forever

Some people think of life as the time they spend between being born and dying. Quite often they are the people who are always worried and complaining, criticizing and creating problem. Nothing is totally good for them and satisfaction is a word they don’t know much. The good side is that they don’t create much attachment to others, but lots of attachment to their own body and personality, their own way of living.

Other people think they will live forever and they dedicate themselves to have more and more. They don’t mind about the future as such, because… future? What future? All will be OK… A big advantage is that they are frequently in a good humored stage and they easily adapt themselves. But, of course, one day they get old and the fragility of human life knocks at their door.

An alternative thought?

Spirituality helps you to live the now, without forgetting the tomorrow and honoring the lessons of the past.

Although death is certain, spiritual people neither fear death nor avoid thinking about it. When it is time to go, a person knows he has to go, and that is ok; meanwhile, life is to be lived at its full extension, full of love, peace and happiness.

A spiritual person knows he will live forever, but not physically. A soul is thought as being immortal, but its container, the body, is perishable. To deal with this ambiguity, we can remind ourselves of that old quote: We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

It is easy: live fully by connecting with the best of you and think of life as a big experience that will enrich you as a being.

Creating a healthier environment

Some years ago, a good environment was a problem for the governments, caused by evil corporations, and of course you were a nice citizen who was not creating any problem for the environment.

That is no more. Nowadays, we are conscious and with conscience, responsibility comes and we know we have ways to help environment. Maybe it will look small, but there are many things on our hands, with our responsibility.

• Take care of  utensils, especially the ones made of plastic or expendable ones. As much as you can, use elements that are aligned to an attitude of sustainability and cut from your life those things that can pollute and spoil our environment.
• What about your clothes? Instead of throw away the old ones, give them forward – there is always someone who needs those things others don’t want.
• Do you waste food? It is time to cut waste to ZERO… it is possible, it just requires a bit of organization and planning. Also, if some food is not eaten, you can always give that to other people.
• Alternatives for what you have now. Study and research about the topic, which is actually very interesting. Maybe you can use solar energy for your Christmas illumination this year or change your heating system.
• Awareness. Behind the paradigm shift we are experiencing nowadays there is an awareness related to what is really good. Work on that, maybe by meditating or talking to other people regularly.

After all, this is still the only house we have, and it is our responsivity to do something about it.

Focus and concentration as a resource

When we talk about resources, we normally think about things or people, however a definition of resource indicates it is not only based on things that one day will finish or need to be replenished. According to the Oxford Dictionary, it is also one’s personal attributes and capabilities regarded as able to help or sustain one in adverse circumstances.

In relation to that we have many resources within ourselves to be used and reused. In fact, the rule is the opposite: the more we use our inner resources, the more they will be available to us. Among all of them, there is a resource that is extremely valuable since it is not often found: concentration and focus. Although they are not the same, they are quite a tight couple. While focus may refer to narrow your attention onto something, concentration is more about intensity of thoughts and feelings.

In a world where people have a few minutes (or seconds?) of focused attention, times when people are 24 hours busy and an age where people reach their retirement age in many cases around 40 years before they pass away, the importance of this resource it is important to develop the ability of focusing and using that power in a person’s life.

The result will be a healthier society where people will actually finish whatever they have started, they will be able to prioritize and their life post-work will be an accomplished one.

But, how to do it? Of course, we would have to include the education system, media, etc., but I do believe in the fact that if a few people are able to generate a change, eventually that change will influence others. And those people starts with a single letter: I.

It is time that I work on my focus, inspiring others to do the same. But, that is not easy because present culture value the slashers and to watch many things at the same time (just go to any Café and watch people reading their messages, watching people walking on the street and talking to someone, at the same time…).

Maybe the East may help us. I feel meditation has helped me to focus on my own potentials and that enabled me to overcome several obstacles. I have learned to be concentrated and avoid dispersion, giving all the power that is within me to the projects I am involved.

That is one possibility, not the only one. It is important to do something and train your own focus and concentration as we reach a point where everything will be so superficial that even life won’t worth much.

Health does not start with the doctor

One of the big changes in our civilization that very few would foresee is the importance given to health and health care nowadays. In fact, in 2014, it is calculated every American citizen spent about US$ 9,500 and the general expenses for the country was up to three trillions dollars.

However, the roots of health are in more soft grounds than what we see today. The Greeks gave high importance to dreams in the healing process and Indians have their healing medicine – the Ayurveda – registered in old scriptures.

There has been an emergence of those types of medicine because it is time we give our ancestors some credit. Yes, they didn’t have the science behind, but here and there we hear about people getting healed without the use of allopathic medicine. We are still in the process of recovering that wisdom and a general advice for people is to follow their doctor, but to look for complementary treatment in other branches at the same time.

But, even that maybe won’t heal the person. I have seen two people I know and I watched their personal fight against cancer. Although they had different ages and different types of cancer, the initial effects were quite similar for both of them, and they even decided to follow similar procedures. With all of that, still just one survived and she is around to tell her tale.

Because there are things we don’t control and sometimes, our body is one of these things. Health starts from within, from a different perception of the world around you and how that world will affect your of will be affected by you.

That perception will give you the necessary guidelines you need to follow a healthy lifestyle and promote your health before a sickness emerges. That same insight will help you to accept that sometimes your body won’t be able to survive the time you wanted and you just have to rethink your aims and objectives in life, and keep living as worse than dying is to live with its fear.

Expressing yourself

I still remember when I used to take care of my little sister, who was a few months-old. I was a young man, studying in a military school and I went back home for vacation – taking care of your little sister was not part of my plan…

It was a very interesting time and one of my challenges was to understand what she wanted. Many times, she looked wiser than me – when she tried to sleep as early as 6 pm, so I could have at least a free night. Although she couldn’t speak and her emotions were very raw, her expression was clear enough.

Nowadays, the challenge is different of course, but it has some common elements with this example. As most of the communication a person have happens without seeing other people, via email or WhatsApp, the paradigm of expressing the self is changing very quickly.

Even letting aside the written language and the fact u is replacing you, I am expressing myself through the way I use the words, the way the ideas flow and transform themselves into a message, sent to millions, in many cases.

In fact, what is happening is that subtly, part of a person goes along with his message. Vibrations? Maybe… But that is something to take in account by leaders in the whole world. Two interesting examples of good expression using subtle aspects:

• Jill Bolte Taylor is an American scientist who described her own experience with a brain stroke in the book My stroke of Insight. At a point in her book, she described her mother’s effort in her recovery; after receiving many good wishes cards, her mother posted them in her apartment’s wall, on her way. Although Jill couldn’t see the cards or read them, she could feel the vibration of love coming from it.
• Antanas Mockus is a Colombian expert in pedagogy. Many of us still remember the cards he made up to teach people how to drive in a more conscious way. His new campaign is to help drivers to understand the laws of coexistence, in terms of traffic particularly in intersections. Through images and other tools, he hopes to help drivers to have a better experience, and create a better city.

Check your communication style for the subtle and invisible elements there. Maybe, they are the one that will boost your capacity of expression.

Productivity does not mean to work more...

At times of crisis this formula is common: work more!

However, productivity is not measure by quantity, but by the quality of that quantity. For instance, if work ten hours and are able to produce the equivalent of US$ 1,000, you are still less productive than if you would work 5 hours and you would be able to produce the equivalent of US$ 550.

During a crisis period, it is very difficult to focus on quality: people don’t study more, they don’t take care of their health more and they have worries in their minds all the time. And yet, it is during a crisis period you should study more, take care of your health more than ever and never, I repeat, never worry – because you need all that energy to be used on coming out of that same crisis.

The same rule applies to all phases of change: quality, instead of quantity. It implies a very strict discipline over one’s mind, a clear vision of the future and a deep leadership.

The belief behind it is that by investing in quality, quantity eventually will come, your investment – any resource you apply to it – will pay off and you will be able to reinvest. If you invest in quantity, your investment eventually will wear off.

So, if you are working too much the suggestion is to look for those skills you already have that can give you a better quality in return. Invest any energy you have on those and see how they grow. Eventually, they will give you the quantity you need for less time of effort. 

Happiness lies in deep acceptance

Former prime-minister Cameron, from United Kingdom, thought at some point to take happiness inconsideration as an economical factor. It would be interesting if that wonderful quality jumped from being just something people like to have to that thing people MUST have.

I feel happiness is so deep nobody can really track it efficiently. Why is that?

First reason is the fact people mix different feelings and emotions. What is the difference of happiness and joy? When you are drinking with co-workers, is that happiness? That video on little cats that made you laugh… is that happiness? If your son is very sick and needs your encouragement, what feeling will come to your mind? Happiness? Knowledge of what happiness is would be a first step to consider, in case someone really wants the happiness factor in their community.

Second reason is the fact most people consider happiness as something coming from outside, instead of emerging from inside. People often looks for happiness in a new car, a different spouse or a better remunerated job, and of course they lose it when the car is not new anymore, the different spouse behaves exactly as the former one and this job is so stressing…

But it is the third reason that makes me thinking on how to make people happier. Acceptance: happiness cannot be attained if true acceptance does not happen. Not talking here about resignation or submission, but true and real acceptance, that sensation when the person understands what is going on, with no struggle, but a feeling of something is right about this.

Everything that occurs in life may be a curse or a blessing, and it depends of the person’s perspective. If there is real acceptance, it is possible to use circumstances as leverage for a higher jump.

When acceptance is present in the heart, the individual can start to enjoy happiness despite the situation: if it is bad, it is a lesson that will help him or her in the future; if it is good, it is time to help others to have it too.

Until real acceptance is attained, real happiness will be difficult to be experienced.

The art of getting feedback from others

One of the easy ways to improve your life is to learn from others’ experiences and lessons. For that, you can just watch them and try your best replicating whatever you see, listen or understand. Or, you can let others say what they think.

As children, we learn from our mistakes. A lot: we raise and fall, and we learn we shouldn’t fall; we go and play with a dog that bites us, and we learn we shouldn’t pull its tail, or we arrive late for lunch and mommy gives us cold food, teaching us to arrive punctually. Of course, the love we receive and the unconditional forgiveness for every mistake compensates any bad situation.

As adults however things are not that simple: we often don’t learn from our falls, we keep on pulling another dog’s tail and our punctuality does not improve. It seems adults don’t learn at all, at least not as a child would do. We learn differently and there are many theories about that, but I would like to talk about feedback, which means others telling you what to do.

I consider an art to be able to get feedback from others. When there is an opportunity to improve – in other words, we did badly – what we hear is complaints or accusations; to turn those into a positive experience and help the self to improve is a hard work for the listener rather than the speaker.

It is useful to separate whatever others speak in categories. A typical example is when someone indicates about your lack of punctuality; put aside their anger or the fact they are upset by that. Then, focus on the need of the other person, ask yourself: How can I be more punctual?, and listen to their advice.

Second step is your own reflection on whether you implement that feedback. Maybe you simply can’t; if that is so, just talk and explain that to the other person. If you can, make a plan to turn it into reality. In case you need to talk to the other person, look for an agreement that makes them happy with your own situation.

The third step comes when you yourself ask for feedback, checking if everything is alright after making some experiments.

Feedback is a cyclic process… after the third step, go back to the first and start all over again, which guarantee you will have a very interesting and dynamic life.

Win and win...

One of the biggest changes in terms of civilization paradigm – and it is still going on – it is one of the least perceived, and it could comprised in the change of just one word: from OR we are coming to AND.

Now, now, we are not talking about math here, but common use of these words. When I say I will be working today or tomorrow that means it is one of these two days, not both.

OR worked powerfully for centuries and it was expressed in many ways like I will be a lawyer or a doctor, I will be supporting this political party or the other one, I am either a Christian or a Muslim.

AND is the new model and it can be expressed in different ways: I will be a lawyer specialized in medicine, I will be supporting any person whose values are aligned to mine, I understand and embrace all religions.

In relationships and any negotiation there is another effect: you want all sides to win.

During the OR paradigm, winners were only that because of the losers; with AND paradigm, there are no winners if there are losers, and of course there are no losers when all win.

It is probably a little harder; it will take much more time than just go and win over the other and declare your domain. But in a life we all know it is a long journey, that time you spend reaching a consensus will be rewarded in a big way.

When to stop is a good thing

In a world in a rush, to stop does not look good.

In terms of your career, part of your success relies on you working as much as possible and as hard as possible. If you stop at some point, people will forget about you and to resume your activities maybe is not that easy.

So don’t stop… however, how much your body, mind and soul can resist? There is a point we all break, when we cannot do anything else and, of course, we stop…

And that is the real stop everyone fears. It is the stop after which you won’t be able to do much. It is the stop that takes you into retirement, sometimes an early one, or makes you to leave whatever you were doing.

But retirement is not supposed to be like that. On the contrary, it just means a period of your life when you have more time to enjoy life or, like in the old Indian culture, you can go and dedicate yourself fully to a spiritual path. In other cultures, retired people became leaders and the wise guides of their communities.

Retirement really means to be able to go beyond the basic and general needs and be in a state which anything you do is for your own comfort or pleasure. The problem is if that stage is fruit of extreme tiredness or any other reason through which you had to stop, then you won’t take advantage of that important part of life. 

A simple solution is to stop from now and then, taking sometime free for yourself to reflect and relax, to go deep into your life and give others much of the inner treasures they have accumulated along their valuable life…. But not in the end! Right now!

You can meditate or just sit surrounded by your family and friends. You can just use the red traffic light to have a moment for yourself and think of peace, or you may go into a retreat every year and take that time to set yourself into an improvement path.

This is the type of stop that is good, very good.

How to change your behavior?

Can you stop eating your nails? Hummm… I knew you would act just like that! Did you lose your job again? Can’t you make something about the way you treat other people?

When people want you to change, that means your behavior. However, it is not that easy as you probably already know.

Behavior is influenced by the way we think and see the world, which may be called attitude and awareness. So, if you are able to change any behavioral feature but you did not change your attitude and awareness, that will come back when you less expect.

For instance, if you are able to stay at a job longer than normally, that is something to celebrate. However, part of the reason you used to lose your job was your bad temper and it happens in this job each person is nice; what will happen when your boss hires someone who starts to upset you then?

The inner concept you have about yourself tells you something like this: whenever someone starts to create problems for you, just move away from that person. That means your time in this job is limited by those circumstances; when you change your awareness, you will be able to keep any job.

This is why this idea of quick change or 21 days to get rid of a habit is a myth if you don’t change those invisible aspects along with those nasty habits.

How to change the way you think? How to change who you are? That means deep reflection and inner work; it means you need a method that helps you with that too.

In my experience, the easiest part is attitude and there is a basic 3-step process that may help a person to do that:

1. Identify. First of all you have to understand your attitude; it works as a template for your thoughts so that when you react to situations or you start to reflect on something, those thoughts will work a pattern. Identifying and understanding the pattern is the first stage of a personal change. OK, I have the tendency of being pessimistic…
2. Check and change. During sometime – ok, it can be 21 days… – you will be your own observer. You may use some tools like meditation or a journal, but the main important point is to be aware of those patterns; whenever a bad attitude emerges, stop a few seconds or minutes and review it, replacing it with the thoughts or ideas you would like to have instead. I think I will lose this job… Wait a second! Why am I even thinking like this? I will work with quality and intensity, and I will prepare myself better by studying and researching, improving that quality.
3. Dare. After a while, you will feel things have changed and bad patterns are not emerging as much as before, or have completely disappeared. That is the point when you have to challenge yourself and get into a situation where you will test your ability, see what happens with you and go back to the first stage of this process. I will go and talk to my boss, seeing if there is the possibility of losing my job, but I will do that from a positive point of view, knowing how capable I am.

With your awareness, it is a similar process, but deeper and subtler. Meditation is probably the best tool when you feel it is not enough to change attitudes, and the reason is that by meditating, you have another perspective of who you are, beyond all labels you have tagged in yourself; so, you can identify that you want to change, being an observer and eventually, challenge yourself to see if the change really happened.

When both have changed you will feel a behavioral transformation. Even if one of those – attitude and awareness – has changed, you will feel some level of transformation.

Who am I? REALLY!

An old joke a friend of mine used to tell was about this person who was very blunt and used to have an answering machine with a message asking Who are you? What do you want? Then, he went through a self-development course and one of the results was the change in that message: Who are you REALLY? What do you REALLY want?

Although governments and main powers, everything in the main stream and in our day-to-day life point to the development of things and situations, societies and civilizations, reality is what really matters is how I develop as a person and human being.

Our profession, our tastes and preferences, our family and friends… all of that only contributes to what I am, but knowing it is the basis for any relevant development.

Think about this: if you run a company, one of the things you need to know is what that company is: its mission, values and vision, production and service, its culture and influence. When you know that REALLY, that means, with knowledge and experience, and then you can proceed to develop it, otherwise you may make many mistakes on the way.

By developing the self from that point of self-knowledge, I create a wave, inspiring many others to change their own reality – after all, that is the meaning of development; the change by emerging potentials. Eventually that wave transforms your house, family, city, country and, why not, the world.

Yes, world transformation can come from self-transformation, by knowing what I REALLY am.

About fairness and justice

An interesting video shows how monkeys react when they are not paid in equal ways. By watching this video, you will probably identify someone you know – maybe you?

It is kind of a natural instinct when fairness is not present, after all if I am doing the same job of another person, I should receive the same payment, right?

Let the animal cruelty aside, the video shows fairness in its most basic and primary manifestation, taking the person to be angry or the nowadays fashion of passive aggressiveness.

Justice comes after that though. It comes from a theoretical animal defense group who will try to sue this institution to keep monkeys in cage. It will come when you sue your company or you try for a divorce.

Justice comes from a more complex and elaborated sense of how our culture and civilization operates. That is what it looks like, because the reality is that justice comes when fairness is not present.

Fairness is a natural state and it helps people not only to avoid going to justice, but also to understand a big picture and work harder, if that is the case.

To be fair, check these points:

• Are you treating others in the way you would like to be treated if you were from their same social class, gender, age or any other way to classify a person?
• If your honest response is NO, how can you amend for that? What are the changes you need to perform to treat others as you would like to be treated?
• And if you are the person who feels you are not being treated in a fair way, did you check the reasons for that? No matter how preposterous those reasons may sound, until you don’t know them you cannot claim for a better treatment.
• If you don’t agree with those reasons, what are you doing there anyway? Can you do something about it? Otherwise, can you hear your inner call and find the right place for you?

Delegate or empower? That is the question…

If you are a boss, manager or have another position of authority (like a parent), let’s admit to ourselves at least: bosses are overwhelmed, stressed and under too much tension. It does not matter the culture of the organization or how things are working (good, bad), tension is taking over everyone. There are too many things to do. Period. So, it does not matter how many seminars or courses you attend, it will never be enough.

However, there are ways to diminish the burden; one of them is to sharing it with others. From the manager’s point of view, there are two easy methodologies that help him or her with it.

Before talking about them, the manager first of all has to understand her or his own team – strengths, weaknesses and their bond as team. Second, he or she needs to have a clear idea of the culture of the organization, and that is very important for this sharing to succeed. Last but not least, the task or project has to be clear for that person.

One technique, tool or methodology is delegation. OK, don’t jump out your seat yet!!! I know, it is as old as the Bible, but the idea is a bit more complex than what is roaming around in the management market, which explains why there is fear from either of the sides to take over on this subject.

When a manager delegates a task or project, or a piece of it to a person or team, she or he is aware of their limitations. To delegate means someone else will act on the manager’s behalf, so the manager is traditionally consider being responsible, but they need to have enough margins for maneuvering particularly when negotiation is necessary, and most of the times, negotiation is necessary.

In other words, it is not because a boss does not like to check on the prices of paper in the market, then he assigns the duty to another person. Neither it is a question of, at the time of choosing whom, the first person coming into the manager’s office will receive a particular job. Both situations are quite common and that is one of the reasons of fear of delegating.

The solution comes from a deep reflection and these questions may help:

• How much do I know the task in hand, its requirements and consequences?
• Knowing the project, who are the people who can be the best option to fulfill with the terms of that project?
• How much do I trust these people and what is the type of bond we have?
• In which extent the rest of the organization will support this team, even though I am behind them?

If what we are talking on delegation looks a little different than many people do around the world, what about empowerment?

In fact the basic premise for that is wrong: everyone has power and nobody can really give power to another person. Empowerment is more a question of helping others to identify their own capacity and potential, allowing them to handle a broad range of situations that go beyond their normal functions.

This time the main difference is the responsibility remains with the team or person in charge and that is a bigger burden for them, but it frees the boss, who will have a role closer to an overseer or a facilitator.

There is a deep reflection needed, and you can use these questions for that:

• I know the task in hand, its requirements and consequences, how is the best way to proceed with that?
• Who are the people who can take care of that project as if it is their own?
• How deep do I know these people and what is the way to increase our bond or relationship?
• In which extent the rest of the organization will support this team and how can I help with that?

Be careful with two deadly sins when you are using empowerment. First, you are a manager, not Pontius Pilates, no washing hands here; even though they are responsible, you still keep some type of responsibility and you will need tools for managing that – like meetings or small reports to check their development.

Second, be aware of signs you have chosen the wrong people or you have chosen people wrongly... Maybe you can train them, maybe not, and it is important to be able to accept your error – not theirs – and move on with the task in hands.

Remember that by doing this you will be relieved of a big part of your tension, which will increase your sense of wellness and it will increase your personal productivity.

Self-confidence; that's it!

There is a basic principle: you cannot experience something you never experienced. It helps in understanding dreams, for instance, but it can be used to grasp the meaning of goals and objectives.

You cannot wish to be something you cannot be. If you are having a difficult goal in mind or starting to pursue an objective that looks like it is impossible to reach, there is possibly a part of you that knows you can reach that aim.

What is missing? You have a goal and because of that, you do have the qualifications to reach for it.

Well, in fact it is not that easy. For you to fulfill an objective in your life is a process, sometimes very long, as you are coming out of the present stage and you want be something very different than that.

So, there will be many obstacles to win over within and, at least for me, the main one is to believe in oneself. I CAN DO IT! It is a simple phrase, but very powerful indeed.

Developing self-confidence should start at a very early age, but you can do a lot much later. Self-confidence helps you to understand your full potential and also your limitations, which is very useful when you look for job or try to improve your relationship with someone else.

But how do you do it? When you are a child, self-confidence comes from different stimuli received from parents and other family members, your friends and colleagues at school, your teachers and even your vicar, if that is the case. In other words, our self-confidence comes from outside to inside.

When you are older, that approach does not work properly, since you are not so innocent anymore and praises will be filtered, you won’t trust all of them or even though you would, maybe you wouldn’t see that compliment reflected in your own life. If you ever try to help someone pointing to their strengths, you will understand me…

But you can do something you were not able when you were a child: reflection. This means you can go inside yourself and find solutions, talents and qualities you need, and apply them to your present situation.

Therefore, self-confidence for an adult comes from an inner journey, by acknowledging strong points and by understanding your own weaknesses. That will change your perception about yourself and the possibilities of improvement will increase.

And after it, it is time to relish your goals coming into reality…

How to deal with people who are very difficult?

Yes, that guy who pushes your button… It is that lady who is always creating problems for you… Your kids who can’t obey any orientation, or your partner who avoid talking about deeper subjects.

World is full of difficult people around you, after all, you are a very easy guy or gal, right?

In the past, we humans used to live in tribes, so we would be surrounded by similar people, following similar instructions and beliefs. Nowadays, as world population is 80% in the cities, this is not happening anymore and so it becomes an interesting challenge.

With the rise of social network, ironically people are becoming less and less social, at least in presence, being able to filter people and to be with those they want. Are we recreating our old tribes?

But for those people who are very difficult and you have to deal with, here are a few tips.

• Develop empathy. Reflect on the other’s life and understand their point of view.
• Cultivate respect and regard. In your heart, start to respect more and more people regardless of what they are.
• Find common grounds. When a problem comes, go to the common ground, subjects you and others agree and love.
• Don’t avoid conflict. Learn how to deal with it in a positive way, with both sides winning.
• If you know their weak spot, avoid it. It is part of the respect towards another person…
• If they know your weak spot, strengthen it. Do a course or go to a coach and fix that as much as possible.
• Create excuses to be with them. That will prevent you to look for refuge in the bat cave.
• Maybe you are the difficult one… If you are too surrounded by difficult people, that is a strong possibility. Reflect and find a friend whom you trust, and ask him or her about it.

This will make your work more productive and your social life much more enjoyable!

Quality in your communication helps increase quality in your relationship

Many years ago, a good friend used to say in his lectures that communication is relationship. Of course, it is not that simple as relationship also implies presence and shared values among other things, but communication is a key factor to measure the quality of a relationship.

If you buy something of bad quality, it may work for a while, but it will be unsteady and it is probable it will finish before the expected time. Same happens with relationships: sometimes it is so bad you would wish you would never have even started with it.

Communication has mainly four roles in a relationship. By developing these roles, you ensure your relationship’s quality will be good, lasting long or being very stable during the particular time.

• Any relationship has a stage of mutual acknowledgment. It is during that time you will know who the other really is – his or her tastes, mood, dreams, imperfections, virtues and values. This can only happen by talking with each other, clarifying situations and working on changes, agreements and compromises. The quality of that exchange increases according to the presence of honesty, clarity, enthusiasm, joy and love in all interactions.
• When the relationship goes beyond the acknowledgment stage, all people involved feel free to express themselves, even when that expression may be blunt. It is a very trick stage and most relationships don’t survive, but it is needed as it builds a foundation for a long-term relationship. In other words, if you couldn’t bear to hear from a friend that you are not a good lawyer and you stop being a friend to the other person, you probably did not want a long-term relationship in the first place. You can increase the quality of expression, as the person who express and the person who receives it, with values as mercy, unconditional love, honesty and a virtue as sweetness.
• At some point, everyone will share something with another person. In fact, the main pleasure is in the sharing, not much what you share or receive. Part of that sharing is related to communicate to another person something, and you may consider sharing as a proof the relationship is working… By increasing the quality of communication, you strengthen your relation, so it is good to increase the value of whatever you are sharing, be full of respect for the others’ point of view and be open for the possibility of refusal, trying again and again.
• The last role communication has is related to the building stage. That is the point when a relationship is mature and it is bearing fruit. It is the time of leaving a legacy and setting an example. Communication in this case is soft and powerful, it is clear and full of understanding. We know each other A LOT, and we know how to deal with several situations. By adding courage and encouragement, your relationship may give you much more satisfaction.

Again, communication is not the only element to have a good relationship, but it is a crucial factor for its quality.

Change at a high speed

Changes are present every time and everywhere. It is part of life and it is part of our own identity as we know we will be changing and our society system is based on that, supporting different stages of our lives.

However in the last few decades, that change has been accelerated and that system has failed, which explains very successful people at a young age and people who were supposed to be retired, still working.

Changes are happening in a fast speed and there are many theories about it. Regardless, they are happening and it is time we prepare ourselves for that. By facing a fast-paced change unprepared, we are destroying our health and compromising our own reality. Stress, a high rate of divorces, loneliness, mental disturbances… all of that is a way of coping with this type of change.

I was very touched by one case that happened in Colombia, where the main bank CEO decided to resign due to a letter he received from his daughter where she claimed her father back and this news showed the extent changes are affecting our lives.

However, there are many things you can do to keep pace with change, as much as possible anyway. If you feel overwhelmed by an omnipotent and omnipresent change, try these:

• Make sure the things you value are not lost in change. You can’t avoid traditions and structures to disappear under the fire of change, but you can prevent whatever you receive from them to get lost. For instance, maybe you used to have dinner every night with your family or go to your temple of devotion all Sundays; if change is too fast you can’t do even that, but you may create other slots of your time and keep them no matter what: a family meeting on Sunday night and a good daily routine of prayer or meditation would help you to recharge your life, keeping intact the experiences you value.
• Whatever you do should be aligned to your values. So, understand your values and check if your actions match those. If not, think of a way to do it. Values are important and they will help you dealing with changes without pain. Look for something else to do that is aligned to your values and change it, or develop values that are aligned to what you are doing.
• Is your present position, profession or career fulfilling your purpose in life? Do you even know your purpose in life? There is a very easy way to know if you are accomplishing your purpose, even though you don’t know it, and that is your level of satisfaction. Not talking here about joy or enjoyment; if you eat a nice food, you would enjoy it, but after a while you would be hungry again, but if you are satisfied with something, that sensation does not leave you and you don’t get tired of it either. Reflect on your present life and look for a way to satisfy your purpose.
• You have a future, a subtle edifice you have been building all these years. Right now you are doing it! However, due to change fast rhythm, you sacrifice that to have something unrelated in the present moment. Find in your present situation opportunities to attain that future vision and invest time and energy on those.

About Transformational Leadership...

And there is the story of this little dog, one of those that look quite common.

According to that story, his (it is a "he", after all!) masters were transferred to a wild zone of Africa. As soon as he saw the openness, the trees and all that field, he got crazy and went away from his masters' house.

After some wandering here and there, he got to a fatal conclusion: he was lost! Not only that, he reached a very creepy place, full of bones everywhere. To increase his fears, he noticed a terrible panther slowly approaching him...

What would you do in this case? Well, if you are a typical person, you would look for some help from outside, which is not available. It is in moments like that you need more than an external leader: you need to be a leader yourself.

Predictable leadership has taught us you just need a vision, a mission and values would be helpful too, to be a leader and overcome situations like this one. However, the question is: what would a vision help this little dog in this case?

Ok, you are not a little dog, but I am sure you have faced already several situations that were beyond your control, like a nasty divorce, a sever illness or the lost of a friend. And I am sure your leadership probably helped you, but I am not that certain you checked your vision and mission and kept moving...

The dog thought to himself, "what should I do?" Then, looking at the scattered bones, an idea come to him... He took a few bones and started chewing them as if they were a feast. After a while, he spitted them out and said, loud enough for the panther to hear: "Ah, that panther was fabulous! But I am still hungry, where can I get another one around?".

The panther didn't know what animal was that, an advantage for the dog, which, due to several hours watching television, knew all about panthers. The panther halted and ran away from the scene, fearing for her life.

Contemporary leadership is all about being realistic in relation to the situation we all live at present. It combines personality, skills and other aspects of a traditional (predictable) leader with a very good manager.

An example: a predictable leader, when reaching the top position of a company, will be only interested in giving the company a new route to follow, influencing everyone around, not much interested in the present route. A manager on the other hand will avoid at any costs a change in his company route.

A contemporary leader will see the process in a holistic way, by understanding the present situation and helping that company to scale up to a new route in a way that allows the leader to show his or her power, but not damaging the company as it is at present.

Any examples in your mind? Maybe you still can't sleep after being downsized or you are still angry with the post company in your country as they were not able to adapt to an Internet world.

A contemporary leader would probably try to help you in case your position wouldn't be needed any more, preparing you for some different work, and she or he will definitely think deeper to help a post company to keep their pace and work.

However, it is still not enough. Just imagine that besides you are being downsized, your child is going to college or after solving the problem and saving a post company, something else totally different emerges and all that planning is now useless...

The dog was very happy with the result of his creativity, however something awful happened: a monkey was hearing the whole exchange. Upset with that... thing... deceiving another proud resident of the forest, the monkey went towards the panther, using the branches to move faster.

After a short talk, the panther realized how foolish she was and went running after the dog, followed by the monkey. The dog now was terrified!

But after a short paralysis, another idea came to his mind. Again, he started to chew some bones and at some point, he practically yelled in a way that both, panther and monkey would hear.

"I AM STILL HUNGRY! WHERE IS THAT MONKEY THAT PROMISED ME ANOTHER PANTHER??"

A transformational leader is a new concept. In the past, it was considered to be a leader who enabled people to go through very complicated periods of crisis.

About change, we will see it later including crisis. The most important aspect of a transformation leader is that he or she will be able to help a situation to move towards its final result (transformation), preventing the effects of crisis and chaos on the way.

A real transformation leader deals with downsizing much before it happens, facilitating the process to her or his people. A transformation leader is aware of the changes that can affect the business in advance, proposing daring ways to overcome that future that will happen at some point.

For instance, a transformational leader will stimulate learning skills by the people in the company, even though those skills are not directly related to their present job; in this way, people will be more confident when downsizing comes as inevitable. At the same time, a transformational leader will be aware of the future scenarios, keeping a think tank in the company, so that the business does not go out dated or cease to exist.

How to become a Transformational Leader? Well, we can talk about that later. By now, just check your own leadership style and the different scenarios related to your business or community, and this will help you to provide solutions that will prevent the damage caused by crisis and chaos.

And after such an adventure, the little dog was able to find his way home, and he lived happily ever after, to the end of his days...