The magic behind relationships

Have you had any problem with another person recently? No… OK, you may go.

Otherwise, let’s understand relationships in a different way.

You see, we are all complete people, we have all capacities, powers, values, potentials for everything, but we rely heavily on the environment to develop it. I give you my own example: I am sure I could be a champion in swimming, but my family has never motivated me to do that; instead, they made me do judo, which was nice but it was not my call.

And that is a very important factor within the concept of environment: family. Relationships in general influence us more than we would imagine because they make us developing some qualities that wouldn’t happen otherwise. Or they may prevent us to do that.

In this way, to keep your relationship healthy means that you have more chances to develop the best qualities, talents, values and power, and so you can face situations with better results.

That is the magic behind relationships! So, next time you look at your spouse, child or boss, look at them as wizards and witches that are helping you to be a better version of yourself.

This is a series of posts on MAGIC…

Problems and our inner dialogue: the need for reflection

How do you work? How do you improve your productivity? What is the way of dealing with children? Why to forgive others? 

There are many questions in people’s minds, creating lots of internal noise as we try to navigate the troubled waters of present society, making things even worse. Before, it was much simpler as you can see by these possible answers…

I work as I was told to.My productivity is fine, thank you very much, and I will stay at this company until my retirement no matter what.I speak, my children obey.Forgive others??? Are you mad? They should be killed. I just need my family.

Those were the simpler times and although many people would cringe when hearing some of this, it was like that in our civilization for millennia.

Now, in these very complex times, we may just sit down and cry over past times, or learn new ways…

I do my best in my work, learning as much as possible. I fail and I win, that is how it works. Sometimes it is boring, but I have to live. Will they fire me? I endeavor to improve my productivity. Or not… it all depends if I like my job or not, if my boss is nice to me or not, the money... If it is OK, I will make my best. My children… sometimes I hit the target and I am able to satisfy them. Other times… not so lucky. Wow, it hurt. It really hurt. What that person did… but I need them in my life. What would I do without friends or family? Maybe I can just ignore them and keep some distance. Forgiveness? That’s too divine for me.

That is a present possible inner dialogue.

Now, let’s put some silence in between… Let’s put some reflection between the question and that inner dialogue and see what happens.

Of course, first we need to understand reflection very well. It can be in the form of journaling, meditating or just talking with a good friend, but it means I take the situation as if it is my own reflection – I put aside too much judgement and I accept who I am, what the situation is, and I develop it internally, talking with myself and reaching to some conclusions; not final conclusions, but at least my hair is combed; that is, the situation is clearer in my mind.

By putting some silence, the inner dialogue could go like this, at least at the beginning:

How do you work?…SilenceLet me think deeply in relation to my work. If I don’t like it, why am I still doing it? No, I like it, it is just that there are times I don’t like it. What can I do to make those times more pleasant? To change my boss or even to change my job is not possible or at least it is not instantaneous. Maybe a better attitude is on my reach, so by changing the way I think, I am sure the results in my work will change too… How do you improve your productivity?…SilenceI understand productivity as gaining more by doing less. Often I just focus on one of the sides of that equation (doing less), but let me think it in a different way: What am I attaining by doing this work? There has to be something and this is why I am here. By understand it I can refocus my actions, thoughts and energy towards that. If I work thinking of my achievements, I am sure I can produce much more and much better… What is the way of dealing with children?…SilenceI like the saying that parents are the bows, but children are the arrows. I am just taking care of them and by doing that, I am creating a strong bond, but one day, they will be on the air. The difficulty lies in that they have issues and I am aware I am not really qualified to deal with them. What can I do? Well, I can be a good parent, I am a good human being and I can at least provide them with a space and time, so that they can solve those issues. I can be present… Why to forgive others?…SilenceIf someone does something bad to me, it hurts, and many people have hurt me. If I am honest, I have hurt many people too and I would love to be forgiven by most of them at least. I would love them to look at me with no hatred, with some understanding of my mistakes and situation and hopefully a few of them would even extend their arms and embrace me again. If it is so good for me, I just wonder how good will it be for them if my eyes don’t show any hatred, I am able understand them and look at them in a different way, I can even hold a few of them…

Try this and see the results yourself.

Every day you look at your family and friends from a fresh perspective - Reason 2

People get used to each other and fall very easily into routine.  And as someone once said, routine kills love.

In fact, there is nothing wrong about routine… It’s great!  The problem is the attitude that emerges from activities that don’t require your discernment, intelligence or intuition.  Those three make relationships and your life in general richer, no matter for how long you have been with them.

Your family and friends are extremely important for you.  They create a safe zone where you can make mistakes and learn how to do them right, without serious consequences – in a company, THEY FIRE YOU for the same errors your partner has pointed to you.

As a leader, you see them as more than just people.  They are your day-to-day heroes, rescuing you from stress, horrible decisions to be made and peer-pressure.  This attitude enables the leader to find a new thing about each one everyday, something small or big, full of impact or almost irrelevant, that makes them even more incredible.

In fact, what you are doing is stimulating their leadership since when you look at them like that, the Pygmalion Effect[1] takes place and wonders happen from apparently ordinary people.

(Excerpt from the book 82 Reasons to be a Leader)

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[1] The Pygmalion Effect is an internal process that happens when a person looks at others with a higher vision, provoking an increase on the other person’s performance, results or state of mind.  See more about that here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pygmalion_effect

Caring about yourself and others

When President Obama went for his Obamacare, he was not only doing something political and probably fulfilling an ideal from his heart. And it does not matter if you believed him, agreed with him or even hated him. He was doing one of the most natural instincts we have as humans. He was caring.

Whether it is a crucial business advantage, manifested via Customer Service, or something that glued together a family or a friend, caring is part of being human. However, the way caring happens have been changing along the years.

Although many people still try to care for others, time and the pace of life creates situations where the physical presence is simply not possible. So, it is time to understand caring beyond the physical: that important and powerful energy release when one person thinks well of another is also caring. That implies caring of others start with caring of the self.

Many years ago, I had the honor to translate an authority in spirituality. BK Jayanti is an Indian citizen resident in London. Since she was a child, she has been exposed to spirituality in many ways and at the same time, she was educated in a very Western country. That blend makes BK Jayanti's words have a different taste as she does not speak only from one point of view.

In Medellin, she gave a lecture to a group of people; among them, many kidnapped people's families were present. Her words were powerful and simple, full of knowledge and very gentle. Basically, what she said was that those people (the victims) were dependable on the attendees' feelings. If they cared about them, then they should change their mindset and experience peace so that those people will experience the same.

Does it sound strange? What about this: didn't you ever experience something someone else was feeling?

Care about yourself, being careful about what you think and feel. Then, think in the same way in relation to others,  creating a huge chain of powerful thoughts and feelings, wait and see the results.

Should I care about others?

In a world of 24 hours media, where you have access to 7 days week information about anyone you want, from anywhere, should you really care about others?

At any moment, there is a conflict or tragedy going on, so I was just remembering a story a friend of mine once told me. He was a very Catholic person and as a good Catholic, he used to like to give alms to the poor. However, one day he was without much money and there were many beggars waiting for their alms - he shared his inner struggle with me as he contemplated and tried to decide to whom he should give his few coins...

Is that happening now, in a massive scale? Should we cry for the victims of Iraq or USA? Should we send money for the refugees in Africa or to the people affected by the last natural tragedy? Or shouldn't we bother at all?

Many years ago, a huge earthquake affected Gujarat, near a place I go every year in India. People from the whole world started to pour money into that state, but I remember someone saying that all was a question of consciousness...

Am I helping because they are poor and helpless, and I have the money? Perhaps, there is another way to see that situation...

In a traditional family, there is always something going on: Frank is jobless again, Mary has problems with her husband or grandpa is not well and someone has to go with him to hospital. Families share responsibilities, in a natural way. Yes, some will complain, but at the end, there is a kind of balance in a normal family.

If we see the whole world as a big family, then it we are looking at a person who is going through a bad moment in their lives. They are not poor, in a bad sense... they are worthy, and if we see them like that, our help won't be a debt for them. We will really be caring about them, in our hearts, not only externally, not only because television is showing us that, but because they are our brothers and sisters.

Not only we will help them at the moment, we will try our best to create conditions so that won't happen again, ever.

Then, it is worthy to care about others. Otherwise, it is better to change the channel...

Why can't you separate house from work?

Can you remember your daddy? Most daddies I know now, who are friends of mine, they made their best effort to leave job behind them and just enjoy the freshness of an everyday growing family. However, a couple of months ago, one of them was telling me about a "torture" performed by his wife: when she arrives home, she tells him everything that happened at her job. EVERYTHING. Jokingly, he said it was like she was taking 8 hours to tell him what she went through her own 8 hours...

Well... is it really possible to leave aside job and just go and be a good dad or mummy, husband or wife? Or is it better to share with a partner or children what is going on at their job?

I have to tell you... No, you really can't leave aside your job, but you can do something...

We are whole people, with several areas to work about. We have our careers, hobbies, friends, families, our spiritual path, health concerns, and a big etc... What we do normally is focus and refocus; sometimes the refocus is too intense, and we end leaving something away for good, or forgetting something.

One proof of that is history: for centuries, people used to live at the same place they used to work, along with everything they used to. If the person was rich, even his or her place of devotion and health would be the same...

By trying to split ourselves in pieces, we get into a subtle form of stress, which takes up the form of boredom, dissatisfaction or the sense of being in a pressure cooker. In fact, traditionally family and friends were a big source of comfort when something went wrong at the work, and it is still there for those who are at school or when health is an issue.

But, to do what my friend's wife does... that is really torture!

A suggestion: work on the areas of your life through four different perspectives. I will be talking about that in my next post, but for now...

1. When you are engaged into something, like your work, just do it. Be flexible if some other area (your kids for instance) requested your attention, but otherwise, just be the winner you are.
2. After finishing something as a day at your job, take a short time for processing it. Instead of commuting or drink with some friends, sit down for a while and talk to yourself, understand what happened.
3. Look for something you have learnt that day, perhaps a good lesson of humility or a realization on how good you are at what you do. Enjoy that feeling.
4. Share the lesson, realization and whatever you acquired as an outcome of your day.

In that way, you will join the pieces of your life together, you will avoid boredom and the pressure. At the same time, other areas will be affected positively by that.

Try it yourself!

Honesty that touches the heart

If there is something I have never learned was how to read a newspaper. Yes, I know how to read, come on! But not a newspaper.

In a plane, the person sitting by my side was reading like a princess. After she finished, I noticed with certain envy as the newspaper looked like new. Mine... well, I prefer to not mention its situation. This is why I LOVE reading newspaper via INTERNET.

But, it paid off. I was extremely touched by an article by Mr. Michael Gove, pre current UK Education Minister (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2057850/Michael-Gove-describes-adoption-transformed-life.html). In it, he was counting his own tale of adoption. His own adoption.

Well, how many people acknowledge they were adopted? How many ministers you know would do that? But he did, I must confess I became a deep admirer of him. Not sure if he is a good minister or not, but as a person, he should receive some prize for being a hero. In times when everyone tries to deny and show a different face, his honesty is a fresh sign humankind has hope.

I won't bother you with details you yourself can read, but I just thought about a few points I think anyone should reflect upon and act on them:

• Am I ready to give support for someone who has nothing to do with me? His parents were able to do it. It is not a question of money - in fact, he admits that nowadays, his parents, or people like them, wouldn't be able to adopt anyone. It is more than money. You can call it courage or mercy, they adopt not only him, but also another girl, who became his sister and whose quasi deafness problems were quite serious. As leaders, that is what we do: we have to "adopt" people who, most of the time, don't have much to do with us.
• How can I help in empowering others? Mr. Gove's tale is on love. Not that cheesy romantic love. It is not about Prince Charming. It is about REAL love. It is love that cares and brings up. It is love that educates and respect. It is love that really works, enough to create a minister. Do I love others that much? Because it is that love that will give them power to overcome any situation.
• Will my honesty hurt myself or others I care? It is honesty. As he tells at the beginning, only a few people knew about his situation. He risked his position telling others he was not what he shows (even his name is different). But his honesty conquered me and I am sure, it conquered many others too. We use too many masks. However, more than the honesty, they way he chose to tell his story - he didn't "throw" it over the public, he touched their hearts. Leadership is about values. Vision and purpose, results and strategies can be accomplished by someone with a diploma. But that diploma needs the certificate of values, like honesty, true honesty, tolerance, calmness, love and peace that touch others' hearts.

It is quite possible I will never meet Mr. Gove, his sister or his wonderful parents. But they will live with me in my memories and they will always inspire my own leadership.

Thank you.