A little magic trick to change situations

Changing things is not easy. Changing people is very difficult. Changing yourself…

Well, probably that is not easy either, but it is what you can do as you always have the possibility of changing the self.

And there is a little magic trick I can share with you: when you change yourself, particularly when you change your mindset, things change… OK, they don’t necessarily change, but let’s see an example.

You have a very difficult boss, one of the worse you have ever had! You are often arguing with them and you feel they don’t allow you to grow. You like the present workplace and position you have, salary is good, nice people…

So… if you would try to change your boss, what would it happen? Probably nothing, they maybe scold you for trying such a thing, even fire you.

Another option… you may try to change your job. However, besides it is hard to do in the present circumstances, are you sure you are going to have a better boss? No certainty here, right?

Let’s try a bit of magic! Start looking for good things about your boss: they are very well educated, in fact, their curriculum is really impressive, they connect very well with customers and they are a good family person (which is something important for you).

The problems you are having with him are not going away because of that, but they refer to your development and the way things work.

By changing your mindset, you ask yourself: Why don’t I help them to find a new job instead of fighting them? After a few hours browsing, you prepare a list of possible options, a very good profile for your boss and you send to as many companies as possible. After two months, old boss goes (for a very good position) and a new boss comes! Hope is back!

Other magic tricks that would be available in this case: you could go through training and get a better position in the same company and you could apply for another branch of the same company.

Check your problems and use this magic wand to solve them. Magic is available to all of us and the method is the same: instead of trying to change outside, reflect, see which changes you can do within and then implement.

Inside, outside

Most of us are under the influence of what happens outside: climate, economy, company of another person, and so on.

But what not many know is that what takes place within also influences the outside… Many years ago, I was working in a company and the photocopy machine had a paper, in which it was written something like: Calm down, this machine reacts to your mood.

Have you noticed it? When you are anxious, things get stuck and they don’t work properly; when you are angry, things tend to break all over…

Well, you could say that your state of mind influences how you act and this is why there is damage, but anyway, that is the influence from inside to outside.

It is not only the bad reaction. Try this whenever you are facing a very bad situation:

• Calm down by thinking positively, focusing on the solution or just breathing in a controlled way.
• Smile! Yes, smile… just think of something funny or tender.
• Look ahead, face slightly high.
• Open your hands and arms, don’t cross them. If you are uncomfortable, occupy the hands by writing or holding something.
• Speak less, speak with care towards others

After that, just check what is going on around you. It is possible you will see things turning better…

Problems and our inner dialogue: the need for reflection

How do you work? How do you improve your productivity? What is the way of dealing with children? Why to forgive others? 

There are many questions in people’s minds, creating lots of internal noise as we try to navigate the troubled waters of present society, making things even worse. Before, it was much simpler as you can see by these possible answers…

I work as I was told to.My productivity is fine, thank you very much, and I will stay at this company until my retirement no matter what.I speak, my children obey.Forgive others??? Are you mad? They should be killed. I just need my family.

Those were the simpler times and although many people would cringe when hearing some of this, it was like that in our civilization for millennia.

Now, in these very complex times, we may just sit down and cry over past times, or learn new ways…

I do my best in my work, learning as much as possible. I fail and I win, that is how it works. Sometimes it is boring, but I have to live. Will they fire me? I endeavor to improve my productivity. Or not… it all depends if I like my job or not, if my boss is nice to me or not, the money... If it is OK, I will make my best. My children… sometimes I hit the target and I am able to satisfy them. Other times… not so lucky. Wow, it hurt. It really hurt. What that person did… but I need them in my life. What would I do without friends or family? Maybe I can just ignore them and keep some distance. Forgiveness? That’s too divine for me.

That is a present possible inner dialogue.

Now, let’s put some silence in between… Let’s put some reflection between the question and that inner dialogue and see what happens.

Of course, first we need to understand reflection very well. It can be in the form of journaling, meditating or just talking with a good friend, but it means I take the situation as if it is my own reflection – I put aside too much judgement and I accept who I am, what the situation is, and I develop it internally, talking with myself and reaching to some conclusions; not final conclusions, but at least my hair is combed; that is, the situation is clearer in my mind.

By putting some silence, the inner dialogue could go like this, at least at the beginning:

How do you work?…SilenceLet me think deeply in relation to my work. If I don’t like it, why am I still doing it? No, I like it, it is just that there are times I don’t like it. What can I do to make those times more pleasant? To change my boss or even to change my job is not possible or at least it is not instantaneous. Maybe a better attitude is on my reach, so by changing the way I think, I am sure the results in my work will change too… How do you improve your productivity?…SilenceI understand productivity as gaining more by doing less. Often I just focus on one of the sides of that equation (doing less), but let me think it in a different way: What am I attaining by doing this work? There has to be something and this is why I am here. By understand it I can refocus my actions, thoughts and energy towards that. If I work thinking of my achievements, I am sure I can produce much more and much better… What is the way of dealing with children?…SilenceI like the saying that parents are the bows, but children are the arrows. I am just taking care of them and by doing that, I am creating a strong bond, but one day, they will be on the air. The difficulty lies in that they have issues and I am aware I am not really qualified to deal with them. What can I do? Well, I can be a good parent, I am a good human being and I can at least provide them with a space and time, so that they can solve those issues. I can be present… Why to forgive others?…SilenceIf someone does something bad to me, it hurts, and many people have hurt me. If I am honest, I have hurt many people too and I would love to be forgiven by most of them at least. I would love them to look at me with no hatred, with some understanding of my mistakes and situation and hopefully a few of them would even extend their arms and embrace me again. If it is so good for me, I just wonder how good will it be for them if my eyes don’t show any hatred, I am able understand them and look at them in a different way, I can even hold a few of them…

Try this and see the results yourself.

How to change your behavior?

Can you stop eating your nails? Hummm… I knew you would act just like that! Did you lose your job again? Can’t you make something about the way you treat other people?

When people want you to change, that means your behavior. However, it is not that easy as you probably already know.

Behavior is influenced by the way we think and see the world, which may be called attitude and awareness. So, if you are able to change any behavioral feature but you did not change your attitude and awareness, that will come back when you less expect.

For instance, if you are able to stay at a job longer than normally, that is something to celebrate. However, part of the reason you used to lose your job was your bad temper and it happens in this job each person is nice; what will happen when your boss hires someone who starts to upset you then?

The inner concept you have about yourself tells you something like this: whenever someone starts to create problems for you, just move away from that person. That means your time in this job is limited by those circumstances; when you change your awareness, you will be able to keep any job.

This is why this idea of quick change or 21 days to get rid of a habit is a myth if you don’t change those invisible aspects along with those nasty habits.

How to change the way you think? How to change who you are? That means deep reflection and inner work; it means you need a method that helps you with that too.

In my experience, the easiest part is attitude and there is a basic 3-step process that may help a person to do that:

1. Identify. First of all you have to understand your attitude; it works as a template for your thoughts so that when you react to situations or you start to reflect on something, those thoughts will work a pattern. Identifying and understanding the pattern is the first stage of a personal change. OK, I have the tendency of being pessimistic…
2. Check and change. During sometime – ok, it can be 21 days… – you will be your own observer. You may use some tools like meditation or a journal, but the main important point is to be aware of those patterns; whenever a bad attitude emerges, stop a few seconds or minutes and review it, replacing it with the thoughts or ideas you would like to have instead. I think I will lose this job… Wait a second! Why am I even thinking like this? I will work with quality and intensity, and I will prepare myself better by studying and researching, improving that quality.
3. Dare. After a while, you will feel things have changed and bad patterns are not emerging as much as before, or have completely disappeared. That is the point when you have to challenge yourself and get into a situation where you will test your ability, see what happens with you and go back to the first stage of this process. I will go and talk to my boss, seeing if there is the possibility of losing my job, but I will do that from a positive point of view, knowing how capable I am.

With your awareness, it is a similar process, but deeper and subtler. Meditation is probably the best tool when you feel it is not enough to change attitudes, and the reason is that by meditating, you have another perspective of who you are, beyond all labels you have tagged in yourself; so, you can identify that you want to change, being an observer and eventually, challenge yourself to see if the change really happened.

When both have changed you will feel a behavioral transformation. Even if one of those – attitude and awareness – has changed, you will feel some level of transformation.

A day for doing one task at a time

Just observe yourself, for instance, while you talk to a friend, your spouse or your child.

• How long could you sustain a thread of conversation for, without interruption or diverting to another point? Don't exclude even the smallest break...
• While talking, did anyone got a cell phone and start to do something there?
• Did anyone started to look at a television, their computer or a tablet? Slightly?
• Maybe outside?

I am sure you see the patterns there... They have been forming for many decades now as our attention has been decreasing in alarming ways.

Without noticing, we are becoming six-second-attention people and its effects on our society can be huge. The reason is that our society is based on relationships; relationships are based on conversations, and conversations are based on dedication and focus.

If you want to help this pattern shifts, I have a suggestion that may help you: have a day without any interruption.

A trick for that is doing a task at a time. I was inspired by a true story: during the Vietnam war, a young man to be recruited was sharing with his Buddhist master about all the dreams he had. While sharing, he was eating mandarin orange; his master noticed that before finishing eating one segment, he had already put another one in the mouth. So, the master told him to finish eating a segment, then go on putting another one... The young man did it, but not only with the mandarin. He also did it with his own dreams: speaking about one, sensing it and only then talking about another one.

There is still a debate if we can do more than one task at a time. Although some say yes and even share ways of doing it, others say that our brains - the most spectacular computer in the universe - can only deal with one thought... Well, until they  decide it, just experience a day where you start something, enjoy it and finish it.

Try it. Do something from beginning to the end, and only that thing (OK, maybe you can hear some baroque music while working...). It will probably be a slow day, so chose it carefully (don't upset your boss!). While doing it, check your thoughts and enjoy the experience of starting, developing it, enjoying it and finishing it... Try your best to have one thought, one emotion and one situation at a time.

A skill you will develop by doing it is concentration. It will be natural after a few hours and with that concentration, you will start to be able to focus when others are talking with you. You will be interested in their stories and lives and just get merged into it.

Slowly, you will help to recover the very basic of our society.

By doing. All. One thing. At a time.