Empathy

A short story mentioned by Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence describes a young boy who was natural in terms of emotional intelligence. At one occasion, when another boy got hurt, he went to him and he showed how he also got hurt in the same way, calming down the boy’s pain.

And that’s Empathy 1.01: to create a bond with another person by showing them you can also feel the same. I am sure you would agree our society needs more people like that boy as too many people are getting hurt in a daily basis. Here I am talking about empathy and a few realizations I have had along the years, in the form of a list of points.

• Empathy does not heal, but to be with an empathetic person help in healing, besides being a soothing experience.
• Now, empathy does not mean to walk in someone’s shoes. I am sure you have heard that and it is understandable that is probably the closest illustration possible, as the boy in the example has shown. I realized a misperception of empathy when I saw a cashier at a supermarket assisting a customer, who was a rich lady; it was obvious for me the cashier couldn’t walk in the lady’s shoes, but she had a good level of emotional intelligence… That was the click!
• Empathy is not about feeling EXACTLY what the other one feels, but it is about creating a bond, showing the other person it is possible to feel the same even though their situations are so different. Even though they cannot walk in each other’s shoes.
• After that click, I had another one: many times, kindness will work quite well. It is what many of us do when we meet someone who is going through a rough day… Although kindness is one of the components of empathy, it can work by itself, that is, without forming a bond.
• Think about empathy as a formula: BOND + KINDNESS. It there is only a bond (a family, co-workers, doctor/patient) it does not guarantee empathy; it there is only kindness, it may sound false, particularly with people know each other.
• Definitely, Emotional Intelligence includes empathy at some level and this is why is so effective in terms or relationship and even productivity while talking about a team working together. But there is an extra factor which is the intrapersonal intelligence, the emotions we feel and how to handle them.

I hope this list may help you in your life.

A life-long learning process

To have a dynamic life, full of energy and meaning, it is important to understand that this is the greatest university!

Every day, every moment, at every interaction or chance to contemplate, you and I are learning. There is no ending for that.

So, I would like to suggest you two things.

First, always be OPEN TO LEARN. This requires humility and self-esteem, kindness and courage, and most importantly, the deep desire to progress.

Second, always be OPEN TO SHARE. You will need to feel the pulse of the person with whom you are sharing, teaching, coaching or mentoring. You will have to go beyond knowledge and trust your own wisdom. And share with generosity, openness, mercy and love.

We are sharing the same classroom, let’s make the best of it.

 

Keeping calm…

During the Second World War, a slogan was launched that helped citizens to move on with their lives, despite the hostilities: KEEP CALM and CARRY ON. It comprises two affirmations with different intentions and an incredible effect.

At times of crisis – and that is what we are living – that slogan would be probably very useful, after all calmness has a deep effect on the self by enabling the person to clear their minds and understand what is going on. Maybe a solution is not at hand, but with comprehension, the person can plan, adapt and live better.

Particularly if the crisis is very strong and it turns into chaos, it is possible there is no solution. During chaotic times, the only possibility someone has is to be their own leader, to trust their own capacities and to create a team with whoever is around. Again, calmness plays a definite part, relieving much of the stress and anxiety, empowering. Besides, who wants to be part of a team of people who are not calm, particularly during turmoil?

But, as you are reading this, I am almost sure you are not there yet and the crisis we are all living is not to be labeled chaos. So, this is the training time and you can do a few things:

• Experience silence several times during the day.
• Meditate or contemplate.
• At the beginning of the day, dedicate some time for the self and experience deep calmness.
• At the end of the day, make sure you pack everything up, by putting a full stop to all that happened.
• If you have problems with someone, try and fix the bond between you.
• Be kind to yourself and others.
• Walk in the nature.
• Listen to soft positive music.
• Avoid bad news, without evading responsibility.
• Just be yourself and give space so that others can be themselves too.
• Keep calm, carry on.

Sincerity may help your relationship

There are probably two killers of any relationship, common to any people no matter where they live or to which culture they belong to: routine and sincerity.

Particularly it is interesting on how this high praised and needed virtue can be a relationship killer. Honesty is fundamental, but in its heavy metal version, where honest words taste like bullets and hearts are destroyed, sincerity turns to be lethal.

And yet… Well, by studying virtues, I have notice they cannot work by themselves and they need to pair in the right order. For instance, humility can make people turn losers in life, but with courage or self-esteem, it helps bosses to be effective, human oriented and very effective.

At times when lying is so common and socially accepted in many cultures I know, at least at some level, an honest person is extremely valuable. Sincerity is even more treasured, as the person will have the courage to say whatever is in his mind… with kindness.

Probably the most spiritual and kind man I know, he is able to make you realize your mistakes without really telling them. He is open and trusting, and yet he is clear about his thoughts and feelings and don’t act against them, which is the core of sincerity.

Without sincerity, a relationship will be like a cliff hanger: you are really not sure about what will happen next…

Kindness, gentleness and mercy help sincerity to become an asset to the soul, enabling the individual to break walls that prevent an open exchange and build bridges that strengthen the relationship.

Gentleness makes bitter things sweeter

When we enter into an organization, we have some functions that we have to comply, but the trickiest part is the link with other people. After all, we didn't choose them to be our partners, to be with us sometimes more than our own families, and still we have to relate to them and get the job done.

A few years ago, a friend told me a story. She was working in an office and one of her co-workers used to collect money for celebrating each other's birthdays. After a while she started to get upset with him as he was very persistent with the task. At some point, he approached her and even before talking to her, she reacted saying she was too busy. He said he was just coming to her because the day before it was his birthday and he had a piece of cake for her...

There are many ways to deal with other people in an organizational environment, but no matter the technique you chose, be aware of a simple recipe that will make you way towards others easier:

• When you see someone for the first time, greet the person before asking something or ordering something... Greetings open others' hearts and enable them to comply with your requirements easily.
• Keep a memory of other people's circumstances: their families, last time they were sick or some course they are taken. Ask them about it, enjoy their success, and be empathic with their failures.
• If someone has made something bad for you, you feel hurt and yet you have to work with them, look for a mediator who helps you to deal with that. Don't keep grudges, they are bad for you.
• If you have to talk to someone in an environment of anger or restlessness, by being gentle you can decrease the resistance of the other person and facilitate the talk.
• "Please"'s and "thank you"'s can help to make the work environment even lighter. Try and use them as many times as you want.
• Smile, and don't get tired of smiling at others. Appreciate what they have done, forgive and respect their mistakes. Celebrate their conquests as if they are your own.

And the wonderful thing is when that small recipe becomes part of you, part of your personality, your own ethics. It is then when you will be able to change your environment and transform your life.