What are the real effects of forgiving?

 

Forgiveness is more than being saintly, it is a healing tool, a way to repair broken bridges with other people and a wonderful way to experience constructive emotions. I would like to invite you to read this article about forgiveness, from the point of view of neuroscience: The Neurobiology of Forgiveness.

In my case, would like to share my own experience as I am in a spiritual path for more than 40 years, which I hope will motivate you to forgive. And be forgiven.

• Forgiveness is healing for the one who forgives. In fact, I believe when I forgive, I am forgiving myself to have allowed that sorrow entering in my life or losing my own self-respect due to that.
• Forgiving cannot be compulsory, it must flow. A very wise yoga teacher shared when she could not forgive; she decided to connect the person with someone who could provide whatever they need… She took her time, until she was able to at least talk to the person again, an important step.
• Forgiveness is a way to others’ hearts. When you forgive someone, whether they know or not, a powerful energy links you both again… It may take time, but the relationship can resume.
• Forgiveness does not necessarily mean that all changes because of it. It is a process of acknowledgment and, from this, you can change whatever is needed.
• Forgiveness works best with best wishes, detachment and unconditional love.
• Forgiveness works worse with expectations, grudging and blaming.
• Forgiveness opens wounds, make sure you are prepared for it.
• Forgiveness improves by meditating, praying and other spiritual practices.
• Forgiving does not mean to talk to the other person. Do it when you are both ready.

Victory over THOSE THINGS you cannot defeat

There are things you cannot defeat…

There are those projects at work you will never be able to finalize.

There are people you won’t forgive. Never!

There are memories that cannot fade away and they will keep haunting you forever.

However…

By just trying to finalize a project at work, you will be developing new skills, a new attitude and a new perspective on your profession. Maybe the project is not as important as those things you are acquiring.

Many years ago, a yoga teacher was sharing about a person she could not forgive. It was a surprise for me and for the people who were with her, and yet it was like taking a course of “how to forgive the unforgivable”. Maybe you cannot forgive someone, but I know you are a good person and I am sure you are not wishing bad things to those people. So, instead of trying to forgive or think of forgiving, just visualize that person happy and peaceful… I am sure that pure energy will reach them.

And instead of being haunted by old memories, why don’t you create new ones? Go for a walk at a beautiful place, invite someone to have lunch with you or simply read a book that inspires you; new beautiful and powerful memories will serve as candles that will illuminate the castle of memories and will prevent the ghost of bad memories to ever come back.

There are things you cannot defeat, but you cannot be defeated either.

In fact, victory can be as simple as reframing what you want to get, wishing the best to others and lighting a lamp in your mind.

HAPPY DIWALI!

Just remember

Before reading this, check on the post Never forget… or forever forget?

 

There are two ways to remember something. The first is associated with the sensory organs, when we remember images, sounds, fragrances and other aspects captured by the body. The issue with this type of memory is that the body is constantly changing and probably the memories too; maybe something that tasted so good to you when you ate it, today when you remember it, the taste appears in your memory in a different way. It happens a lot with vegetarians like me, who still remember the churrasco, but its taste no longer attracts...

The other way to remember is to re-live what corresponds to this memory. Maybe I don't like the taste of meat anymore, I don't even remember it, but I will certainly like to remember being with other people, seeing new places and the tour related to the experience of food. This is why in many places of commerce, the emphasis is on delivering an experience to others, rather than the product.

With this in mind, the scenes in your life were a product of various factors, but beyond them is your experience. What will you really remember?

This is the magic of memory: being able to choose what will remain in your experience. This can transform the trauma into a trampoline, so that you grow much more quickly. Then, how to choose?

• After a difficult experience, set aside time for a powerful reflection. You'll know you've reached a point of self-realization when you stop blaming others, making excuses, or regretting what you did.
• Based on reflection, practice contemplation, meditation, or yoga; it will help you calm down, soothe you, and even empower you.
• If it was really hard, the constructive emotions derived from forgiveness may be necessary. So FORGIVE: others, situations, other things and particularly YOURSELF.

* You may need a professional to help you process what you experienced, in the case of trauma.

8 asana of the heart – my love flows and turns into a river of FORGIVENESS

People do things that hurt us, sometimes very deeply.

And when we are honest, we realize we also hurt others…

FORGIVENESS is that beautiful and so necessary human feature that enables a person to heal and to open windows and doors for those who hurt them. But how does that work?

First of all, let’s not confuse forgiving with forgetting. Although the fusion of both may be the ideal, it is not always possible as forgetting may cause some damage in the long term (someone may try to hurt you again). Remembering with forgiveness is probably the best because your relationship won’t get tainted by what others have done in the past.

To really forgive someone, the first step is to connect the self to the deep love we all have within. Any love does not work; it has to be an unconditional love.

Many years ago, one of the founders of an ashram, a spiritual place, in Scotland shared how they worked so hard to create it, particularly her and the husband. But one day he left her for another woman who has come to this place. The spiritual founder reached the conclusion she had only one path due to her background: unconditional love. Eventually the miracle of that love brought her former husband back… along with the person he was now married. Still, she got a friend back and both worked together again until his demise.

That is forgiveness, to let love flow like a river that disintegrates all the bad things due to its speed and strength. To value the intentions and the quality of that person, come on, let your heart take the shape of a powerful river…

 

Whom are you going to forgive today?

Whose love are you going to experience today and feel you are forgiven?

 

This post is part of a series called 8 asana of the heart.

I recommend you to watch 8 postures of the heart.

Is it a new year already?

Old news – terrifying old news – are taking over the world and #ThirdWorldWar is trending.

Actors change, play looks the same… not too new, right?

But there is a big novelty that we as humans can experience, particularly if things are still the same: a change of attitude that makes me see life with different glasses.

How to change it? Let’s focus first on the positive side of life.

Although there is always something constructive in every scene of life, sometimes the good gets hidden behind a wall of negativity.

By using your memory to remember the fantastic things that have happened to you, you will experience it as if this would be happening right now. By the way, don’t underappreciate hope – it will show you the way out of the fog of hopelessness.

Another change you can do is to generate positive emotions like forgiveness and gratitude. They work as if you would be taking a fresh shower during a really hot day, calming your being, making you smile and showing you different ways to handle whatever is happening.

Last, I would strongly recommend meditation, as it works on two different levels. On one hand, it enables you to move beyond the present circumstances and focus on your thoughts instead of the sometimes hard reality. On the other hand, it helps you to realize your own power, which empowers you to face reality.

What, Christmas again?

Since my childhood, I have noticed Christmas was not as exciting for adults as it was for me, a child. In fact, it seemed some people like my mother were even afraid of it, after all, around Christmas was the day she worked more than the whole year; she was a saleswoman.

Now, as an adult… what can I say?

I do love the time and period, the lights on the streets and a general distinct vibe in the air, but I think we have turned Christmas into a shopping experience, instead of a life changing event, which could be…

Because of the story of Christmas, you may see others under a different light. Just think there is a guiding star for every human being and your job is just helping them to see it. That is real Christmas!

And Christmas smiles emerge from the heart, not from some desire or just the need of pleasing another person. It is a real smile… something we should enjoy the whole year.

During Christmas, people are easy to reach, easy to talk and they are more open to listen to you, or just talk to you. It is the perfect moment you have been looking for a long time, when you at last get that I forgive you.

So, don’t let yourself down this Christmas, just refocus and pay more attention to the real spirit of this celebration.

A Big Hug for you, Merry Christmas!

Problems and our inner dialogue: the need for reflection

How do you work? How do you improve your productivity? What is the way of dealing with children? Why to forgive others? 

There are many questions in people’s minds, creating lots of internal noise as we try to navigate the troubled waters of present society, making things even worse. Before, it was much simpler as you can see by these possible answers…

I work as I was told to.My productivity is fine, thank you very much, and I will stay at this company until my retirement no matter what.I speak, my children obey.Forgive others??? Are you mad? They should be killed. I just need my family.

Those were the simpler times and although many people would cringe when hearing some of this, it was like that in our civilization for millennia.

Now, in these very complex times, we may just sit down and cry over past times, or learn new ways…

I do my best in my work, learning as much as possible. I fail and I win, that is how it works. Sometimes it is boring, but I have to live. Will they fire me? I endeavor to improve my productivity. Or not… it all depends if I like my job or not, if my boss is nice to me or not, the money... If it is OK, I will make my best. My children… sometimes I hit the target and I am able to satisfy them. Other times… not so lucky. Wow, it hurt. It really hurt. What that person did… but I need them in my life. What would I do without friends or family? Maybe I can just ignore them and keep some distance. Forgiveness? That’s too divine for me.

That is a present possible inner dialogue.

Now, let’s put some silence in between… Let’s put some reflection between the question and that inner dialogue and see what happens.

Of course, first we need to understand reflection very well. It can be in the form of journaling, meditating or just talking with a good friend, but it means I take the situation as if it is my own reflection – I put aside too much judgement and I accept who I am, what the situation is, and I develop it internally, talking with myself and reaching to some conclusions; not final conclusions, but at least my hair is combed; that is, the situation is clearer in my mind.

By putting some silence, the inner dialogue could go like this, at least at the beginning:

How do you work?…SilenceLet me think deeply in relation to my work. If I don’t like it, why am I still doing it? No, I like it, it is just that there are times I don’t like it. What can I do to make those times more pleasant? To change my boss or even to change my job is not possible or at least it is not instantaneous. Maybe a better attitude is on my reach, so by changing the way I think, I am sure the results in my work will change too… How do you improve your productivity?…SilenceI understand productivity as gaining more by doing less. Often I just focus on one of the sides of that equation (doing less), but let me think it in a different way: What am I attaining by doing this work? There has to be something and this is why I am here. By understand it I can refocus my actions, thoughts and energy towards that. If I work thinking of my achievements, I am sure I can produce much more and much better… What is the way of dealing with children?…SilenceI like the saying that parents are the bows, but children are the arrows. I am just taking care of them and by doing that, I am creating a strong bond, but one day, they will be on the air. The difficulty lies in that they have issues and I am aware I am not really qualified to deal with them. What can I do? Well, I can be a good parent, I am a good human being and I can at least provide them with a space and time, so that they can solve those issues. I can be present… Why to forgive others?…SilenceIf someone does something bad to me, it hurts, and many people have hurt me. If I am honest, I have hurt many people too and I would love to be forgiven by most of them at least. I would love them to look at me with no hatred, with some understanding of my mistakes and situation and hopefully a few of them would even extend their arms and embrace me again. If it is so good for me, I just wonder how good will it be for them if my eyes don’t show any hatred, I am able understand them and look at them in a different way, I can even hold a few of them…

Try this and see the results yourself.

A leader can always forgive… - Reason 6

It is generally accepted the power of forgiveness:  it heals and it creates an impact on different levels, even on the economy of places torn apart by civil wars or different upheavals[1].

But there are not many people who are able to forgive others.  When they do, they may do it for some people, but not everyone; even then, just some times, not always.  And if you coexist with other people, you probably agree that everyone makes a mistake from time to time and lots of people make mistakes many times…

That is why it is so good to be a leader, as there is the possibility of forgiving everyone as we live in a state of co-dependency, and leaders are a fundamental part of that.

It does not mean that a leader won’t supervise or correct something that is wrong, but his or her heart keeps clean in relation to that person and there will be always another opportunity for the other one.

Maybe It sounds as something impossible or saintly, but it is not like that.  On one hand, there is a practical reason for a leader to forgive and leave the doors open to others: the need of people, good and skilled people, pushes leaders to be pragmatic and invest more of their time and energy in training and education.

On the other hand, by forgiving a person there is an example for others who won’t fear to make mistakes, after all, if you really want to be innovative and do great things, errors are part of the process.

(Excerpt from the book 82 Reasons to be a Leader)

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[1] The Role of Forgiveness in Reconstructing Society After Conflict.  https://sites.tufts.edu/jha/archives/140

One week for Christmas, what to do?

Many people are totally focused in gifts. Other people have to conclude their works for the year as fast as possible. Of course, Christmas is coming.

The most universal Christian festivity is approaching very fast with colored packages, bulb lights, special movies, plays, songs, etc.

And yet, instead of getting caught into the frenzy of too many things, it should be a time of experiencing and giving happiness. This is a unique chance to go beyond the present situations and enjoy life and others, with no reason, just because we are all there.

It is the time to enjoy nature – if your weather allows for that – and talk to your elders, to the children and those equal to you. And if weather blocks you at the door, just smile and enjoy a nice warm cozy time within your house.

Maybe, it is the time to call that person who created so many problems for you or who have mistreated you. It is a time to forgive and ask for forgiveness, to give a hand and to receive help from many.

It is a time to open your heart… A bit more… Dancing on Christmas rhythm, when the impossible turns to be quite probable.

Because after Christmas… Well, it will be after Christmas and all magic will be over. The magic is now.

Forgiveness as a key to a healthy life

Being healthy nowadays is a kind of a fashion, and it shouldn't be like that: health makes life much more pleasant and productive. It should be one of our first priorities.

Let’s understand that health is not restricted to the body though; it also implies a life with no diseases in mind, relationships and even finances. After all, we have experienced how much a lack of money at a moment of need affects the will to live.

So, being healthy cannot be guaranteed by going to gym or having a special diet. You do need more things to add and among them the cultivation of positive emotions.

Emotions can make us live life in a cheerful mood, enjoying every moment, or cursing everything that happens around, affecting our health in a way not even a virus could do.

Among positive emotions, there are those that generated a relief and help with healing. Forgiveness, although it is not strictly an emotion, creates that healing feeling too.

Forgiving someone or a situation changes you and it helps you to get some closure, speeding up your own moving on. But although it is so gratifying, it is not often used.

I feel the difficulty with forgiveness comes from several wrong perspectives.

• The victim forgives the attacker. That means, by forgiving I admit I was defeated. This first assumption comes from the idea of victory as the one smashing the other and because we live in a society where wars are not at all desirable, that idea is conflicting with our reality. In the day-to-day life, there are no real battles. There are some conflicts and problems, things that help us to refine our character, and forgiveness strengthen that part of our personality that is able to make us to move on, no matter what happens.
• Only the weak ones have to forgive, the strong ones win. So, forgiveness is even more attached to the concept of defeat. In fact, it is all the opposite. Anyone who has seen somebody forgiving another person is able to discern who is the strongest and, really, it is always on the side of the forgiver.
• By forgiving, I will forget the problems and they won't be solved. Forgiveness is often linked to the idea of a sort of amnesia. If something really bad happened, forgiveness helps you to heal your emotions and mind, but you would probably still need to see aspects of justice that is usually required. In fact, forgiveness will let you have a clear mind and a light conscience to rebuild your life.

By forgiving, you are clearing your own path and open yourself for new experiences, a better life and more opportunities.

My MERRY CHRISTMAS to you...

One of the most special times of the year is its end. It seems that the entire population of the world (almost) begins to rethink their year, their life and existence, reviewing what has been accomplished and achieved, what was missing and what can be done for next year. But before that, we celebrate a very special date.

Although Christmas is Christian, its message has exceeded the barriers of religion and culture. It is a message of renewal, forgiveness and charity that cannot be ignored, but sometimes is confused with limited trade and mercy.

As it comes so close to the end of the year, allows us a deeper reflection, because as humans it is how we grow: we reflect, we expand our awareness and then share with others.

Want to give yourself a gift? Answer a few questions and apply their answers in your own life. If you want, send them to other people who can benefit from this reflection:

• How I have renewed my own self? Christmas means birth. The image of little baby Jesus born in a stable has a deep spiritual meaning: it is the highest and purest awareness born in a fallen world to help it to improve and transform. Do you let this new awareness that wants to stay afloat become part of your own life? It is an awareness that connects you directly with God and the divine we all have.
• To what extent have I forgiven? Many negative situations happen to us and hurt us. Forgiveness is the magic balm we have in our heart that allows us to move forward and enable others to keep on going. It is the ability to understand and find internal resources to grow, no matter the tragedy we have experienced. Also, the more we forgive, we will feel healthier inside.
• How much charity have I done this year? I think for some people that means to give someone a few cents, or maybe clothes that nobody else uses in the house ... Charity truly begins in the mind, where I understand my own treasures and decide to share with others. Charity can be in the form of a smile given to someone in a difficult time, a word of encouragement, something physical you value but you know it will be more useful to others, and mainly a genuine positive thinking towards the other.

May this Christmas be the time when your heart is satisfied and you can satisfy others' hearts!

Gender awareness

There is hardly a topic more complicated than genders. If you are writing, for instance, you can't forget to mention both genders (his/him/her) or you will be criticized. Spanish, Portuguese and other similar languages will have to change its grammar including at some point an alternative plural as in those languages when you have men and women together, the plural is in its male form.

The reality cannot be denied as literally for thousands of years, one gender has pushed the other into oppression. It seems that for the last few years, things are changing quickly and dramatically.

However, I observe three main types of change happening in the world, and how they are being received by the society.

1. The first change is that which allows the society to adapt itself to the reality. It is not only gender then, it is more than that: abortion, right to drive in some countries and vote in others, right to be a person different than the spouse and so on. It is a kind of a huge political statement happening in the world today. And the reaction is HUGE: protests, use of force in different ways, refusal, splitting countries...
2. The second change is more related to the micro-world of families and offices. Women are taking over, there is no doubt about that. More and more, males have been losing their spaces in the reality of day-to-day life, which has had a big effect in the geopolitical organization - just think that two of the most powerful people today are women (Merkel and Dilma). Resistance has been futile, as what matters today is the depth and the understanding of the situations around. If you take the example of Merkel in Europe, her possible counterpart, the ruler of France or UK, has been almost non-existent.
3. The third change is very different. It is the rise of the soft power, where power is not understood as possession or wealth, but as an energy that allows things to happen. With the ascension of women, little by little negotiations are changing its shape. At last, Europe was not able to push Greece out, instead there was a kind of forgiveness which is the main feature of this type of change. Instead of resistance, it encourages participation and dialogue. Instead of resistance, this change can be assimilated by the other gender very easily; for the first time in History, women and men can be equal without forcing the other to be equal to them...

If you really want to keep the pace with the changes, instead of fighting against it, my suggestion is, no matter your gender, to focus yourself into those competencies that are important in leadership like negotiation, and those important in general life like forgiveness. These will help you to allow all that shining energy you have inside without much resistance; on the contrary, society will benefit enormously from that.

Take care!