Dealing with situations

As a chief, boss, manager, CEO, father, mother or friend, you are expected to solve situations. That is why you were "hired" or you accepted that position.

For that, you count with some training, even though it was informal. That training probably gave you important tools you use in the day-to-day life: a mother was probably trained by her own mother on how to deal with a teenager who does not want to follow the rules; a CEO will have training on how to save his company, and a boss will sit down with one of her employees to discuss a new project, based on the knowledge she got at university.

But you have probably noticed as situations are getting more and more complex and complicated. Solving a situation is like disentangling a thread... the more you do, it looks even worse.

I am going to explore four basic skills that can help you in dealing different situations that come to you:

• Leadership skills. They will give you the energy and capacity to deal with strong and difficult situations, especially those we normally consider crisis. One focus I will talk about is in relation to give your team what it needs to overcome that crisis.
• Proactive problem solving. Creativity and initiative will help you to deal with situations that are preventing success coming to your organization or team.
• Flexibility. Situations can change at any time, so flexibility, as a skill, can give you an advantage when the change comes.
• Negotiation skills. Many situations come from the human front. Negotiating with others, persuading them from a genuine and win-win point of view can solve problems very easily.

You cannot prevent situations to come, but you can learn how to deal with them, and be successful by doing it.

Knowing how and when to show GENUINE empathy

If trust is hard to have or generate, empathy is even harder.

What is empathy? You can have access to normal definitions very easily, but I want to tell you my own experience.

I used to feel quite useless when I was younger. My job didn't satisfy me, other relationships didn't make me content and I was adrift. It was then that a friend was able to help me coming out of it. He used a deep and genuine sense of empathy, which is a sincere interest in me as a person. Instead of looking at what I couldn't do, he approached me appreciating my specialties and teaching me what I didn't know.

And empathy is exactly that: acknowledge someone's greatness whilst knowing their emotions and feelings. In other words, appreciating the other for what he or she is, not for what she or he does or has.

As a skill, empathy is very useful when you have to convince or persuade someone, as you know how they feel and you can approach them from that perspective. If you have some point to make or argument to start, empathy will help you to understand the best way to talk about that.

The biggest trap is when you allow yourself to be dragged into someone else's emotions. It is important to understand that by keeping distance; many times you are helping the other. The discernment between talk and get silent, share what the other is feeling or be detached; that is empathy.

The best example is a doctor. Even though she or he is an emphatic doctor - and it is a must, if he or she wants to succeed in his or her career - there won't be tears at the time of a surgery. In fact, would you like to be operated by a crying doctor?

The best way to develop that skill is to be authentically concerned by someone else. Even though that concern is motivated because you are his or her boss, focus on the person, not on the position or situation. Give that attention you would like to deserve if you were in a similar position.

Check the balance constantly in your relationship with others, especially between love and law, laughter and seriousness...

I know it is not that easy to do, but think about the benefits for you: more friends, a better network of people, better productivity. And, of course, don't forget the benefits they will feel by being so close to someone like you.

Empathy will be a great skill for relating to others in a deeper and fulfilling way.

The ability to trust others

Visualize a bridge: two ways, very well built, shining under the sun. Cars, bicycles, people, everything cross from one side to the other, which could be from an island to the continent or a land split in two by a river.

There are some fundamental elements for the bridge to exist, and these elements are also present in human bridges.

We create bridges between ourselves and other people, our jobs, the government, neighbors, etc. As islands, we extend our world, learn and teach, we share and experience, we experiment with this relationship with others.

Some bridges are temporary while others are eternal. Some break after a hurricane, others just need a small rain to cease existing.

Trust is a crucial element for that bridge. It is not easy to conquer and it has a huge impact in everything you do. In everything we do: part of the economic crisis is the lack of confidence by investors; wars start when all trust ends; brands grow and have success if people trust them, and even this blog is only read because people trust in what I tell them.

But, let's not talk about generating trust. Instead of that, how to trust others? After all, if you get enrolled into a company, you don't have a choice... Either you trust your co-workers, boss and the company itself, or you will feel you are working in hell.

The same happens when you are born in a family or when you get married and you have to trust your family in-law.

To trust others is also a skill you can develop, which includes a few steps. If you feel you are in an environment where you are having a hard time, perhaps this will help you:

• The trust you have in others is based in whatever trust you have for yourself. Yes, others are mirrors... If you are ugly or you have a bad case of baldness, perhaps you won't like your image, but that does not mean it is false. Whomever you don't trust, check the reasons in your own self. Perhaps there is some lack of clarity for the objective of your job or you don't really believe you can do things better. In this way, by working your self-confidence, naturally you will start to trust others.
• Decrease your expectations, increase your appreciation. Even before getting into any situation, we start to expect something from it and people involved. If you really want to trust others, talk to yourself about it. Instead of expecting, appreciate: see what others can do right, enjoy the learning process and love whatever environment you are, because there is always something wonderful there.
• Build a bridge based on common deep things. Whatever you have in common with others will help you to build that bridge, but go deep into that. Learn to know the people, not only the co-workers... Check this article on that...
• Differentiate likes and dislikes, from values, mission, vision and professional behavior. Most of the time, our lack of trust is based on what others like and we don't like. Not only in terms of work environment, even within a family or circle of friends, go beyond that. It is not uncommon that people with the same goals have different tastes; when we talk about trust, goals are much more important than tastes.
• Values. Sometimes, the lack of trust is due to a shock of values. And sometimes it is not something big; it is like someone likes football (soccer) and another person likes rugby. Other times, it is more serious and it can compromise your personal ethic. Assess your values and others' values, and then check if it is possible to conciliate them. If not, get off there right now!! Learning how to trust others also include learning when you cannot trust others.

In this way, you will improve your relationship with others and also your productivity, life in community and personal welfare.

Patience with others

In the way many people ask others to be patient with them, it sounds as there is a right to be wrong, slow and inefficient. And that is not the case.

The classical example of patience is of a farmer, who sows seeds that will bear fruit many years later. The only way for him to be happy and content is to be patient. Patience is the certainty behind his actions and their fruit, which shall come at their own time.

But patience is not alone: the farmer must water the seeds, prevent plagues, check the land, etc. Until the fruit come, this man or woman will have lots to do!

The same happens to people. When you give information, that is a seed, and it will take some time to bear fruit. If you have given the right seeds, at the right time, no worries: they will learn.

Meanwhile, keep on sustaining these people. Keep them happy and keep them learn. Sometimes push, sometimes flow. They will change, they will learn.

So, you have to take in account the time for the fruit to bear. You have to take in account that people do need some time to assimilate new ideas, or reframed old ideas. Give them that time, and sustain them during this assimilation process. That is patience, a wonderful way to relate to others you need to teach or share something.

Developing your communication capacity

It is amazing how we humans have found ways to communicate. We can write, speak, show our face, send symbols or even invent a language. We can talk to someone on the other side of the planet with less than a second relay; we can even see that person.

Books, articles, plays, movies, blogs, vlogs... What else do we need to tell others the message that is inside us?

And then... we have problems to communicate with our friends, partners, children, parents, neighbors, co-workers, customers, suppliers, bosses, rulers, etc. Isn't it a contradiction?

The main reason behind it is that when you have to communicate with someone you are in relationship, that communications changes its shape completely, so you need different skills to have success in your communication. For instance, if you are going to talk to an audience who is watching you via Skype, you don't need to move much around (which would damage your webcast) and, yes, you don't even have to dress up so much! But if the audience is just in front you, well, that is another story.

So, let's talk about four skills that can help you when you must have a close communication, both in your work and personal:

• General communication abilities. First of all, you do need to know how to transfer your message according to your public. You have a big advantage here, as you know your public. Just let that message reach them in such a way they can grasp it and use it for further actions. One big disadvantage you have with this kind of people is that THEY KNOW YOU! So, you can't say things you are not doing, otherwise they won't receive the message - they would sneer over it. Before giving the message, check if you are yourself the message.
• Are you listening? Our languages have wisdom in it, one of them is the difference of verbs HEAR and LISTEN. You won't hear if you have some medical problem, otherwise, anyone can hear. But listen... that requires a refinement in the way you deal with other people around you. To listen to someone does not mean become dumb, but let the other express herself or himself, and you are able to empathize with whatever is said. It is not just understanding, it is more than that - the other's speech will turn into an experience for you. For developing that skill, you need to develop your own empathy, what will be covered in a further post. By then, make effort to let the other speak, let him or her tell their tale and try not to process it. Accept it into your heart, and nod from time to time...
• Oops, a lecture... Stage fright! It is one of the worst fears, especially if you are in a position or profession where you have to address more than one person at a time, trying to convince them all about your message. Add to that the fact that they know you, so you must be careful whatever you talk to them. But, remember the big advantage you have: you do know them. Try to focus your message at the essence, add some stories and engage your audience with it. Ask questions, ask their opinion. As a good friend told me, "make them the protagonists of your lecture."
• Your mouth in your arms. Your body speaks. Loudly. We all know that - we all know when someone is angry, upset, cheerful or sad just by looking at their faces, arms or the position of their legs. It is one of the first communication skills we get as we need that a lot to relate to our family, especially when words are not our strong point. Watch your body. Ask someone to film you or put a mirror ahead, so you can see yourself when you talk. But don't try to hide your feelings or emotions... Be genuine about it as the best way to develop that skill is to say what your body is talking.

With these skills, you can enhance the way you communicate and have a better experience relating to others.

The ability to relate to others

Many years ago, I had a general manager who was simply perfect. He used to come for work with a perfect suit; he used to have a perfect job, and even a perfect family. Only one thing used to tarnish that perfection: he was the worst when dealing with people. After I left the company, I kept tabs on him for some time as I was curious to know his career. So, even though I have left the country, I learned on how he was unable to keep a position for a long time and the complaint was the same: he didn't know how to deal with people.

All his diplomas, all that capacity and talent were not enough to secure him a good position in a good company. He did not know how to negotiate with his employees, he did not know how to deal with bad performance and, worse, he was unable to deal with his own emotions in those cases, when all the façade used to scramble and show a person with no manners, no elegance, and no perfection.

This is probably the mother of all skills. Daniel Goleman was the one who has shown it, giving a fancy name: Emotional Intelligence. Yes, EI is not only relating to others, but it comes only when you have EI.

If you have it, you probably can skip this post, but I guess most of us want to develop it even further. After all, there are many new challenges related to people around you...

• The basic principle behind EI is to understand your own emotions. In other words, the first thing you have to do to relate to others is to relate to yourself better. If you get frustrated with yourself for not getting up at the time you need or not following that diet, then it will be even harder to not get frustrated when someone from your team makes a mistake. Breath, talk to yourself, have a time for reflection, contemplation or meditation, and enjoy your potentials much more than your mistakes.
• Learn to differentiate your emotions in relation to the situation, and the situation itself. If someone from your team has made a mistake that earned a bad mark to your team, which will make future budget negotiations difficult, remember that you can only solve this by not getting into emotion. Talk to the person, talk to your team, and if you need, vent some of the thoughts you are having in your mind, but keep the focus on the solution. A nice trick is turning the mistake into a lesson for the future.
• Be balanced in relation to others. In human relationships, there are no blacks and whites, all are a series of gray tones... At some situations with someone, you have to be merciful and forgiving; at other situations with the same person, you have to push so things happen. Be tuned to the other's need and the need of the moment, and act based on that.
• The last thing is related to a nice tale I've read many years ago, talking about a prince who needs to listen to the inaudible sounds in order to be a king. Reality is: people expresses probably half of what they feel, sometimes even less. So, you need to see their body language and the vibration they are sending, so that you really know what is going on with that person. And take action, which can be talking to him, or just sitting beside her and give your presence.

When you are a master of that skill, then you will realize how wonderful is to deal with people in a positive and powerful way. But this skill is so deep that you will get into that more for the next posts.


* For the article that has inspired this post, click here.

Skills for a better performance

One of the surprising things about work and business in general nowadays is how much a soft skill values.

An interesting and very comprehensive article was published by Forbes Magazine. Yes, Forbes... the "shark's favorite" magazine. The question in my mind was: Why do sharks want the trout to be better?

First answer is, of course, to eat them! But, if you really read the article you will see lots of time was spent in creating a foundation for people so that they can improve themselves in today's work and business area. So that they can RESIST to the sharks and help to change them into something more amiable like whales...

Analyzing the article (which is just a basis, but a good one), you can find three basic areas covered there:

• The ability to relate to others. It is not only an area, but also a skill in itself. If you really want to progress in work environment, relationships are extremely important.
• Besides people, we also need to deal with situations. Other skills will make that hard task into a very easy one. In the article, the focus is work environment, but we all know how much personal life influences into our work life, so these skills will help us both ways.
• The last skills touched are related to personal ethics. Beyond personality, everyone has some ethics in their lives, which will help you to decide how to do things but will also influence the way others see you doing those things.

I think skills are the bridge between the most human part of us, the spiritual side, and the material activities we do for money or recognition. If you develop them with the right method, naturally you will have a much better experience and it is possible your career opens into new ways.

During the next posts, we will talk more about those skills.