Problems? Try to use your resilience.

When there is a problem, a normal person like you and me often jump to the solution. Many times, it turns to be a jump to conclusion…

Another way is to reflect upon the problem, visualize or feel the possible solutions and then, to make a decision. In this case, we are using a small part of our own resilience.

In terms of problem solving, our resilience has a different role and it is useful to understand it.

What is resilience? It is basically our inherent capacity to bounce back after a crisis or a serious problem. Even though it is inherent, it can be increased or diminished…

What is it in terms of problem solving? Well, for small problems there is a chance to use your own resilience:

1. The problem comes, causing a small storm in the mind, too many thoughts, and it turns decisions into a difficult task.

2. We face the problem, we are able to diminish the storm in the mind, we make certain decisions.

3. We are back to where we were before the problem, according to our resilience.

However, resilience is a human quality or faculty, it is part of the self, so we could say resilience exists since before the problem, that is, it may help at every stage of the problem:

1. The problem comes, causing a small storm in the mind, too many thoughts, and it turns decisions into a difficult task. I meditate, I calm my mind, I talk with someone because I know I am strong and I don’t stop growing because of that problem. I am a resilient person.

2. We face the problem, we are able to diminish the storm in the mind, we make certain decisions. My decisions come from my own reflection, from my own power. They start in my mind in the form of a discernment process, and then I implement them.

3. We are back to where we were before the problem, according to our resilience. I see the storm of problems and bad situations departing from my life and I prepare myself to keep on moving on… I never stopped, but it is possible my personal change was affected by it; now, I move on with full force.

If we do this exercise, not only we will be able to overcome a problem without much effort, we will be also increasing our resilience.

 

Empathy

A short story mentioned by Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence describes a young boy who was natural in terms of emotional intelligence. At one occasion, when another boy got hurt, he went to him and he showed how he also got hurt in the same way, calming down the boy’s pain.

And that’s Empathy 1.01: to create a bond with another person by showing them you can also feel the same. I am sure you would agree our society needs more people like that boy as too many people are getting hurt in a daily basis. Here I am talking about empathy and a few realizations I have had along the years, in the form of a list of points.

• Empathy does not heal, but to be with an empathetic person help in healing, besides being a soothing experience.
• Now, empathy does not mean to walk in someone’s shoes. I am sure you have heard that and it is understandable that is probably the closest illustration possible, as the boy in the example has shown. I realized a misperception of empathy when I saw a cashier at a supermarket assisting a customer, who was a rich lady; it was obvious for me the cashier couldn’t walk in the lady’s shoes, but she had a good level of emotional intelligence… That was the click!
• Empathy is not about feeling EXACTLY what the other one feels, but it is about creating a bond, showing the other person it is possible to feel the same even though their situations are so different. Even though they cannot walk in each other’s shoes.
• After that click, I had another one: many times, kindness will work quite well. It is what many of us do when we meet someone who is going through a rough day… Although kindness is one of the components of empathy, it can work by itself, that is, without forming a bond.
• Think about empathy as a formula: BOND + KINDNESS. It there is only a bond (a family, co-workers, doctor/patient) it does not guarantee empathy; it there is only kindness, it may sound false, particularly with people know each other.
• Definitely, Emotional Intelligence includes empathy at some level and this is why is so effective in terms or relationship and even productivity while talking about a team working together. But there is an extra factor which is the intrapersonal intelligence, the emotions we feel and how to handle them.

I hope this list may help you in your life.

Recreating a map to navigate our world: the importance of patterns

Should I go right or left? I look around and I see on the right a beautiful stone-laid path, flowers from both sides and it is a little steep, but the left path is muddy, the plants are wild and it looks quite dark.

No need to think there! Of course, the right path is…

 

That’s how we navigate our lives: turning left, right or center, staying for a while at some place or setting goals and move on. We find a job, a new friend, we reconnect with an old friend, we lose our job, we got a health problem, etc.

Sometimes the path will be idyllic, other times will be muddy. So, which one is the ideal for my life?

There are basically three ways to deal with that…

Intuition will be preferred by some people. They will just think where do I go and they will feel which way is the best for them.

Logic will be the favorite path for other people. They will see the muddy path and, of course, will chose the next one.

But both ways have big flaws. Intuition is often considered a manifestation of the unconscious mind, that is, things that have been picked, but not prioritized by the conscious mind, come up in the form of an intuitive thought. It may work, it may not work, it all depends on whatever has been picked. Logic will be restricted by the normal logic restrains of AND/OR, TRUE/FALSE, HYPOTHESIS/THEORY, and there are things that go beyond all of that. Maybe the muddy path is the right one…

So, there is a third way which I would like to explore with you: patterns.

Wait, what? I know people don’t talk about patterns nowadays, but they should be doing as we are living surrounded by patterns and we are letting them to lead us in our decisions. That is, patterns are drawing the map of our lives. Here are a few examples:

I follow my mother’s options in life in terms of jobs, relationships, etc.

I follow what my neighbors do during week-ends.

Even though I am retired, I still do shopping as if I was working, that is, on Saturdays, instead of a sale Tuesday.

I watch movies and TV series episodes which are basically equal, because those are the patterns…

It is bad… or it can be good too.

I follow my mother’s options on her courage and honesty, values that are transcendental.

I follow the specialties of my neighbors, appreciating they are around me and the example they set for me and my family.

As I am retired, I do as many retired people do: I volunteer. I help people with whatever energy and time I have.

I watch things that educate me or improve a bad day, because those are the patterns…

This is the third way to create your map, just use what is available, but use it in a good way, in a positive way. It will be easier to draw that map and it will give benefit to everyone who follows it, not only you.

Like a frog, or not?

Change is everywhere, that means ADAPTATION is needed everywhere. In reality, even when someone does not adapt to the change, it is a sort of adaptation.

However, there are good and bad ways to adapting and while some empower the person, others make the individual depressed.

Let’s dive into the different types of adaptation a person can experience when there is a change in their lives or environment, and how to improve it.

• An accurate adaptation means decisions are aligned with the changes, there is not a big conflict as a result of the change and the person feels comfortable with whatever is taking place. The person will be able to reflect and overcome obstacles that come on their way without stress.
• Many years ago, when I was still a child, my grandmother and I went outside and meanwhile, she left a big pot with water for boiling. When we came back, I saw her face and she was very upset; a frog had jumped into it! This is an old tale and although many think it is false, my experience says differently. The comparison with changes is that sometimes our adaptation makes us weak, powerless or simply unhappy. Be careful! Watch for the signals you are losing yourself and jump off the pot!
• Quick adaptation can come because of an expertise, a tendency or luck. The problem is the outcome is temporary and it may generate some type of disenchantment. I saw it with the boom of the crypto currency as many people tried and gave up, or even failed. It was a wave that some people took it, but it faded away… It is important to have a backup plan or savings, because it will fade away…
• Nature teaches us three main things about changes and adaptation: 1) change is inevitable, don’t fight and don’t surrender to it; 2) survive and thrive, as much as possible, and 3) adaptation is a show of strength. There is a cactus nearby, even though Bogota (at least looks like it) is very humid and it grew out of a stone! A few years ago, it was almost dead, but it survived… and it is back! Sort of; it is crooked and very ugly, but in terms of life, I think that is what it matters. So, if the change you are going through is tough, look at nature and you will learn many lessons for your survival and beyond.
• A last type of adaptation is based on compromise: I stop doing this, but I will be doing that. It may be not so positive, such as the example of people who stop smoking and start eating up to their obesity, but it may be a last resort for lots of people. If you are going to compromise, work on minimizing the side effects.

What is the type of adaption you mostly use with the present change you are facing?

Too much learning is good, but…

Particularly in the West, we may take decades engaged in learning in schools and other institutions, besides what we learn at home, on the streets or temples. And it is not a bad thing.

In fact, learning as a desire, habit or hobby should be part of our personality, specially in our fast-changing world. Even to buy a new cell phone or going to a supermarket after a few months is a challenge.

The reason is that with every change, we need to adapt and to do that in a successful way, there is no alternative to learning. Well, maybe suffering…

And this is the age of changes, they are everywhere for every reason. So, it should be the Age of Learning too.

Why is not so? Why do we see more and more illiterate people in various areas of work or society? There are a few reasons for that.

The first one is to not follow changes. As the learning curve can be quite steep, it may be a wise decision, but not always practical, due to professional or personal commitments. It is the case of many parents having to learn the lingo of social media, so they can help their kids navigate in this new world, even though they may not want to do.

The second reason is that the learning curve is too hard for some people because of their age... There is a paradigm that connects age and change, which means many people just not even try to learn something because they are old. This means they will have difficult to use transportation, to withdraw some money and even to travel. This is not true and there are plenty of examples of people who have challenged these misconceptions. True, it may be hard for some people, but it is possible with some effort.

Another reason is that there is no time to catch up. It happens a lot for those who work in a fast-paced industry, as things can change brusquely and there is no time to really try and grasp what is going on. However, I do remember a former CEO who decided to take a course on accounting after his company suffered a fraud by their accountant. Discernment will guide those people to dedicate their time in learning what is really important, otherwise leadership will help to have the right people surrounding them.

Don’t think you cannot learn. You can, just understand how. And keep on learning…

 

How long do you take to make a decision?

We live in a very fast world and society, and there is a tendency for decisions to be fast. Very fast.

But how to make a decision in a fast way?

The main factor is not the speed. Here is an example: if you are an expert in cooking and you have almost finished a dish when someone tells you the double of people are coming, what will happen? OK, there will be some suffering internally, but as you are the expert, you will be able to devise a solution for that without worrying too much.

Now, think of the same situation with a non-expert chef, like me… It will be a disaster! Even though I may be faster than the expert…

The first thing we value, in terms of speed, is the expertise as that will make decisions faster or slower.

And yet, it is not enough. A comparison can be made between making a decision in certain areas of life and chess, as in both there are many factors influencing the final outcome. Of course, expertise will count as important, but what if the other person – or the various situations – is/are also expert(s)?

First of all, refine your expertise as it is something visible. It means training and talking with other people who are experts.

A second thing to speed decisions up is to understand your opponents. Don’t hate them, try to avoid all kinds of emotions at least for some time, even 5 minutes will be helpful, and then, within that time, reflect upon the problems you are facing.

As you can see, a fast decision will take longer than you think… There is a third tip that may help.

Along with understanding, use your discernment power. It means to make the decision first in your own mind or even in a closed scenario like a group of friends: visualize your different responses and the many outcomes that can come along with each possible decision. If you do that as a meditation experiment, it will be even more effective.

After the discernment process, you can implement whatever scenario you realized was the right decision for that moment. It will give the decision more power and probably it will be easier to make it. In other words, it will be faster.

Now it is your turn to make a decision…

Fast.

The power of gratitude

One of my comforts as a child was reading and one of my favorite sources was a magazine that used to come every month or so to my auntie, but it ended at my house, so I used to get to it first.

It came from a Japanese religion, Seicho-no-ie, and the stories were inspiring! But one topic was always present: be grateful.

I confess as the years passed by, I simply forgot about that, until many and many years ago, and since then, I started to practice the simple act of gratitude.

It can be a conscious act, like saying thank you, smiling in a cheerful way or send a message to a person.

It can also be unconscious. As I moved from Sao Paulo, the land of please and thank you – we say that all the time to anyone – I realized people used to look at me differently in situations when my thank you was not really clear, like thanking a bus driver. Slowly, I learned to express the gratitude I was taught in a more subtle way through a small gesture of the head or a different smile. Well, with some friends even a joke can work as an expression of gratitude…

Gratitude turns into a power when, besides the act, it is felt within in a deep way, generating a wonderful healing sensation that life opened its arms to me through this person or situation.

That power can break down obstacles, elevate a person so that they are higher than bad situations and even rebuild bridges with other people.

Be grateful.

Be powerfully grateful.