Problems? Try to use your resilience.

When there is a problem, a normal person like you and me often jump to the solution. Many times, it turns to be a jump to conclusion…

Another way is to reflect upon the problem, visualize or feel the possible solutions and then, to make a decision. In this case, we are using a small part of our own resilience.

In terms of problem solving, our resilience has a different role and it is useful to understand it.

What is resilience? It is basically our inherent capacity to bounce back after a crisis or a serious problem. Even though it is inherent, it can be increased or diminished…

What is it in terms of problem solving? Well, for small problems there is a chance to use your own resilience:

1. The problem comes, causing a small storm in the mind, too many thoughts, and it turns decisions into a difficult task.

2. We face the problem, we are able to diminish the storm in the mind, we make certain decisions.

3. We are back to where we were before the problem, according to our resilience.

However, resilience is a human quality or faculty, it is part of the self, so we could say resilience exists since before the problem, that is, it may help at every stage of the problem:

1. The problem comes, causing a small storm in the mind, too many thoughts, and it turns decisions into a difficult task. I meditate, I calm my mind, I talk with someone because I know I am strong and I don’t stop growing because of that problem. I am a resilient person.

2. We face the problem, we are able to diminish the storm in the mind, we make certain decisions. My decisions come from my own reflection, from my own power. They start in my mind in the form of a discernment process, and then I implement them.

3. We are back to where we were before the problem, according to our resilience. I see the storm of problems and bad situations departing from my life and I prepare myself to keep on moving on… I never stopped, but it is possible my personal change was affected by it; now, I move on with full force.

If we do this exercise, not only we will be able to overcome a problem without much effort, we will be also increasing our resilience.

 

Empathy

A short story mentioned by Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence describes a young boy who was natural in terms of emotional intelligence. At one occasion, when another boy got hurt, he went to him and he showed how he also got hurt in the same way, calming down the boy’s pain.

And that’s Empathy 1.01: to create a bond with another person by showing them you can also feel the same. I am sure you would agree our society needs more people like that boy as too many people are getting hurt in a daily basis. Here I am talking about empathy and a few realizations I have had along the years, in the form of a list of points.

• Empathy does not heal, but to be with an empathetic person help in healing, besides being a soothing experience.
• Now, empathy does not mean to walk in someone’s shoes. I am sure you have heard that and it is understandable that is probably the closest illustration possible, as the boy in the example has shown. I realized a misperception of empathy when I saw a cashier at a supermarket assisting a customer, who was a rich lady; it was obvious for me the cashier couldn’t walk in the lady’s shoes, but she had a good level of emotional intelligence… That was the click!
• Empathy is not about feeling EXACTLY what the other one feels, but it is about creating a bond, showing the other person it is possible to feel the same even though their situations are so different. Even though they cannot walk in each other’s shoes.
• After that click, I had another one: many times, kindness will work quite well. It is what many of us do when we meet someone who is going through a rough day… Although kindness is one of the components of empathy, it can work by itself, that is, without forming a bond.
• Think about empathy as a formula: BOND + KINDNESS. It there is only a bond (a family, co-workers, doctor/patient) it does not guarantee empathy; it there is only kindness, it may sound false, particularly with people know each other.
• Definitely, Emotional Intelligence includes empathy at some level and this is why is so effective in terms or relationship and even productivity while talking about a team working together. But there is an extra factor which is the intrapersonal intelligence, the emotions we feel and how to handle them.

I hope this list may help you in your life.

Recreating a map to navigate our world: the importance of patterns

Should I go right or left? I look around and I see on the right a beautiful stone-laid path, flowers from both sides and it is a little steep, but the left path is muddy, the plants are wild and it looks quite dark.

No need to think there! Of course, the right path is…

 

That’s how we navigate our lives: turning left, right or center, staying for a while at some place or setting goals and move on. We find a job, a new friend, we reconnect with an old friend, we lose our job, we got a health problem, etc.

Sometimes the path will be idyllic, other times will be muddy. So, which one is the ideal for my life?

There are basically three ways to deal with that…

Intuition will be preferred by some people. They will just think where do I go and they will feel which way is the best for them.

Logic will be the favorite path for other people. They will see the muddy path and, of course, will chose the next one.

But both ways have big flaws. Intuition is often considered a manifestation of the unconscious mind, that is, things that have been picked, but not prioritized by the conscious mind, come up in the form of an intuitive thought. It may work, it may not work, it all depends on whatever has been picked. Logic will be restricted by the normal logic restrains of AND/OR, TRUE/FALSE, HYPOTHESIS/THEORY, and there are things that go beyond all of that. Maybe the muddy path is the right one…

So, there is a third way which I would like to explore with you: patterns.

Wait, what? I know people don’t talk about patterns nowadays, but they should be doing as we are living surrounded by patterns and we are letting them to lead us in our decisions. That is, patterns are drawing the map of our lives. Here are a few examples:

I follow my mother’s options in life in terms of jobs, relationships, etc.

I follow what my neighbors do during week-ends.

Even though I am retired, I still do shopping as if I was working, that is, on Saturdays, instead of a sale Tuesday.

I watch movies and TV series episodes which are basically equal, because those are the patterns…

It is bad… or it can be good too.

I follow my mother’s options on her courage and honesty, values that are transcendental.

I follow the specialties of my neighbors, appreciating they are around me and the example they set for me and my family.

As I am retired, I do as many retired people do: I volunteer. I help people with whatever energy and time I have.

I watch things that educate me or improve a bad day, because those are the patterns…

This is the third way to create your map, just use what is available, but use it in a good way, in a positive way. It will be easier to draw that map and it will give benefit to everyone who follows it, not only you.

Like a frog, or not?

Change is everywhere, that means ADAPTATION is needed everywhere. In reality, even when someone does not adapt to the change, it is a sort of adaptation.

However, there are good and bad ways to adapting and while some empower the person, others make the individual depressed.

Let’s dive into the different types of adaptation a person can experience when there is a change in their lives or environment, and how to improve it.

• An accurate adaptation means decisions are aligned with the changes, there is not a big conflict as a result of the change and the person feels comfortable with whatever is taking place. The person will be able to reflect and overcome obstacles that come on their way without stress.
• Many years ago, when I was still a child, my grandmother and I went outside and meanwhile, she left a big pot with water for boiling. When we came back, I saw her face and she was very upset; a frog had jumped into it! This is an old tale and although many think it is false, my experience says differently. The comparison with changes is that sometimes our adaptation makes us weak, powerless or simply unhappy. Be careful! Watch for the signals you are losing yourself and jump off the pot!
• Quick adaptation can come because of an expertise, a tendency or luck. The problem is the outcome is temporary and it may generate some type of disenchantment. I saw it with the boom of the crypto currency as many people tried and gave up, or even failed. It was a wave that some people took it, but it faded away… It is important to have a backup plan or savings, because it will fade away…
• Nature teaches us three main things about changes and adaptation: 1) change is inevitable, don’t fight and don’t surrender to it; 2) survive and thrive, as much as possible, and 3) adaptation is a show of strength. There is a cactus nearby, even though Bogota (at least looks like it) is very humid and it grew out of a stone! A few years ago, it was almost dead, but it survived… and it is back! Sort of; it is crooked and very ugly, but in terms of life, I think that is what it matters. So, if the change you are going through is tough, look at nature and you will learn many lessons for your survival and beyond.
• A last type of adaptation is based on compromise: I stop doing this, but I will be doing that. It may be not so positive, such as the example of people who stop smoking and start eating up to their obesity, but it may be a last resort for lots of people. If you are going to compromise, work on minimizing the side effects.

What is the type of adaption you mostly use with the present change you are facing?