When Flexibility Becomes the Bond That Unites Us

When I came to live in Colombia, I began learning one of life's most valuable lessons: flexibility. It means being willing to compromise for the sake of better relationships, listening to others, questioning old paradigms and sometimes changing the way we deal with reality.

Over the years, while observing a country often marked by polarization, I noticed something that, at least to me, seemed to hold people together: their natural flexibility. It is not a perfect solution, but it often becomes the bridge that allows people to move forward despite their differences.

For instance, I have a good friend who is really at one of the extremes in terms of ideology, and yet she was open to have a spiritual meditation with someone who is in the other extreme… It is not only functional; they really appreciated each other.

So, sharing from my own observations and experience, here are a few thoughts:

• Being flexible does not mean being permissive. It means knowing your priorities while making room for others.
• Your flexibility will not always be matched by others, but it is often the first step toward understanding and agreement.
• Every negotiation involves giving up something. The key is to let go of what matters least so you can preserve what matters most.
• Flexibility is, in many ways, the art of negotiating your way through life. Let others go first when you can and you will often find they do the same for you when your turn comes.

We all face challenges, and each of us is doing our best to overcome them. Perhaps one of the simplest ways to improve our relationships - and sometimes our lives - is to become just a little more flexible.

The Attitude of Assertiveness

Many years ago, the word ASSERTIVENESS began circulating. It was something new, a different attitude that emphasized self-esteem, within the communicational context, avoiding negative confrontation.

It's probably the most important communication skill out there, but it's still not talked about much, and maybe not as practiced as it should be. Some of its benefits are very clear:

• Increased self-esteem, on both sides of the conversation. The assertive side needs self-esteem for this skill to work well and, if there is no self-esteem on the other side, it is too "low" or too "high", it won’t work either.
• Better results in a negotiation, generating satisfaction. The assertive side will feel that their requests and demands have been heard and the other side will understand them better, being able to make a decision.
• A greater understanding of others’ needs. Although assertiveness serves to express what a person really thinks or needs, it can help in developing the ability to understand as we all have points in common and an assertive person acknowledges that unites them as a bridge.

Assertiveness, as an attitude, works as a template in which thoughts will come from self-esteem and will serve as a reaffirmation to the person. It is part of a self-leadership attitude, part of the process of an individual reclaiming their power to lead themselves.

I would like to focus on this self-leadership and, in relation to this, assertiveness has two basic functions:

• Facing without confronting. Look at situations head-on, facing them. However, know that you don't need to fight people or situations; confrontation is the last instance of a conflict that, in general, can be solved through several ways and assertiveness is a tool of empowerment.
• Defending without contesting. Defend your ideas, without renouncing principles or vocation and specifically, without fighting with others. It enters into the same function as before, but especially in the stage of conversation or negotiation in which the other party makes their demands; it is key to be protector of what is valuable, without the competition that often happens.

But how does it work?

Without assertiveness, it would be quite complex to make changes in the daily routine, without upsetting a partner or neighbors, or to start a meditator path and expect people in your office to understand your new lifestyle...

Assertiveness will guarantee that you handle talking to your partner, clearly describing your new daily routine, negotiating without giving up what is important to you and obtaining successful results. The same will happen in your work and in all areas you touch in life.

Experience assertiveness and live in an inspired way.

Negotiations in times of disruption

2016 will probably be known as the division year. It seemed there were always some problems somewhere where roughly half was in favor and half against. Even though negotiation techniques are so advanced, not much was acquired through that.

All negotiations happen with a basic standard principle:

I want something you don’t want to give me, but I know you can.

You probably want something from me that I don’t want to give you even though I can.

Let’s talk and reach some type of compromise and make a deal.

But nowadays it is much more complex:

I want something you don’t want to give me, but I think you could...

You probably want something from me that I don’t want to give you, or I cannot give you and you think I can.

Let’s struggle, see who is more powerful or who are more in need and reach some type of compromise (we will probably regret later).

These are times of disruption, which means, things are not working in the same paradigm as before and yet, the new paradigm is not working either. Looking at the bright side it is innovation in its extreme; in its dark side, it tends to generate chaos. Does it sound confused? It should…

For instance, the political aspect: in Colombia, many people who voted for YES during the peace process referendum were considered as leftist. However, most of these people I know who did vote YES wouldn’t back up Venezuelan government, which is leftist… Using that logic, any attempt for negotiation based on politics only won’t work.

Due to that, we need an alternative for it, something that takes in account the disruption process we are experiencing:

I understand I have a need or an opportunity to grow, but I am not in tune with you, your needs or opportunities.

Before talking to you, I must understand your side better and see what we both could compromise that wouldn’t hurt either of us. It would be nice if you do the same, otherwise at least my side has to make that endeavor.

We need a space and time to talk, far from the situation, using techniques that help us to reach a final commitment. Probably, it won’t be the perfect deal for neither of the sides, but it can be considered as a first stage of a long-term negotiation; possibly, it will be needed to repeat this many times more until there is satisfactions in both sides, which we hope we would reach.

It is a new era and new talents, new skills and a total new awareness are needed to help the various fragments of the big disruption we are living to reach a point of satisfaction and allow us to keep going.

Win and win...

One of the biggest changes in terms of civilization paradigm – and it is still going on – it is one of the least perceived, and it could comprised in the change of just one word: from OR we are coming to AND.

Now, now, we are not talking about math here, but common use of these words. When I say I will be working today or tomorrow that means it is one of these two days, not both.

OR worked powerfully for centuries and it was expressed in many ways like I will be a lawyer or a doctor, I will be supporting this political party or the other one, I am either a Christian or a Muslim.

AND is the new model and it can be expressed in different ways: I will be a lawyer specialized in medicine, I will be supporting any person whose values are aligned to mine, I understand and embrace all religions.

In relationships and any negotiation there is another effect: you want all sides to win.

During the OR paradigm, winners were only that because of the losers; with AND paradigm, there are no winners if there are losers, and of course there are no losers when all win.

It is probably a little harder; it will take much more time than just go and win over the other and declare your domain. But in a life we all know it is a long journey, that time you spend reaching a consensus will be rewarded in a big way.

The power of love

A symbol in the 60's, spiritual, religious and humanitarian people still believe in the intangible power of love. Well, even Harry Potter, finally was able to believe in it (sort of...).

But, what does that mean? How much money does this power can produce? How many friends can you conquer or customers can be satisfied?

Believe me, love can make all the difference and it affects your life much more than you think about. For a better understanding, I propose several dimensions for this concept, each one clarifying love and its power in a different way. By knowing this, you can take advantage of this huge power.

The first dimension I identify is the individual one as love is what helps in building very strong bridges between people. In this way, you can see its use in a team or a negotiation. Love can be also the healing factor whenever a relationship goes wrong.

But for that dimension to work, you have to comprehend a second dimension, which is the expression of love. I have a friend, Dr. Roger Cole, who wrote a book on the Mission of Love, by the way, an excellent book!! He commented to me at some point when we travelled together in Ecuador where I was helping as a translator, that love really can't be find in this world. What you can find is mercy or compassion, and other qualities, virtues or values that are in themselves expressions of love. So, when a co-worker is having problems and you try to genuinely help or you get into a negotiation process with a win-win mind set, you are using the power of your own love...

A third dimension, very important to understand, is in relation to the attributes of love. Let's be honest, love became a very cheap word and many times is misunderstood with sex or lust. Love as a power works as a trigger for growth, solidarity and relationship, which I've put as total different dimension due to its importance. Yes, it is love that enables nature to live again after a very hard winter. It is also love that makes you extend a hand to a strange and help them. So, whenever your love enables others to grow or enables you to help others that means love is power.

As I try to show here, love is not something too abstract or a little hippie... The power of love is real and it is inside you. Just use it in your life and see its wonderful results.

Negotiation skills when dealing with situations

Situations come up from time to time in our lives. As someone said once, the world is like the ocean and you can't control the waves...

Some situations are easier than others; some last longer than others, and some can even take you into desperation. But, at least in some cultures, there is nothing worse than crisis somewhat provoked by other people.

Yes, it is awful to lose your job or be in danger of losing that house you would love to live in, but what about when your wife is critically ill or your boss is preventing you to make the deal of your life?

There is a whole school in management for negotiation, which can help you to deal with those situations where humans are a main factor. With those skills well developed you can negotiate some time off your job to take care of your wife properly, or perhaps invite some relatives to help caring of her.

But, I would like to focus in the skill of persuasion, which would be very useful for you in convincing your boss to help you with that big deal.

Persuasion can be understood differently according to intentions and even culture. Its interpretation can vary from charisma to manipulation, but its real meaning is probably located midway.

It is basically the ability of convincing people to do something they wouldn't otherwise do. It is so important that Warren Bennis used that same concept while defining a leader. For the skill to be developed, you need some training in:

• Understanding situations deeply. Don't stay in the surface; merge into the depth of anything happening, understanding its roots, development and consequences.
• Trying different perspectives. If you want someone to be convinced of something, you need to understand their point of view, with respect and without judgment.
• Patience and perseverance. No negotiation can really happen without this wonderful couple of human qualities. Whilst patience will enable you to wait for the effect of your talk, perseverance will facilitate you to try different tactics.
• Having a "win-win" mentality. Although I personally don't like that expression, as it reminds me of the possibility of win more than another person, it is extremely useful in negotiation, especially at the time of persuading others. The idea is to have a focus in the profit you and the other people will receive by doing what they are doing.
• Being flexible. Yes, at any negotiation you will have to compromise. There is no way out for that. The idea behind flexibility, talked in another post, is to understand the limits you can go without hurting the negotiation for either side.

Charisma can be understood as some kind of "exuberant persuasion". Although many so-called leaders use, especially politicians, it does not fulfill the former criteria completely. Same happens with manipulation and amazingly as it is, both usually lack the understanding of others' perspectives...

Some people are natural negotiators; others need to train and train harder. Whatever the case, it is a powerful skill and not that difficult to mature.

Dealing with situations

As a chief, boss, manager, CEO, father, mother or friend, you are expected to solve situations. That is why you were "hired" or you accepted that position.

For that, you count with some training, even though it was informal. That training probably gave you important tools you use in the day-to-day life: a mother was probably trained by her own mother on how to deal with a teenager who does not want to follow the rules; a CEO will have training on how to save his company, and a boss will sit down with one of her employees to discuss a new project, based on the knowledge she got at university.

But you have probably noticed as situations are getting more and more complex and complicated. Solving a situation is like disentangling a thread... the more you do, it looks even worse.

I am going to explore four basic skills that can help you in dealing different situations that come to you:

• Leadership skills. They will give you the energy and capacity to deal with strong and difficult situations, especially those we normally consider crisis. One focus I will talk about is in relation to give your team what it needs to overcome that crisis.
• Proactive problem solving. Creativity and initiative will help you to deal with situations that are preventing success coming to your organization or team.
• Flexibility. Situations can change at any time, so flexibility, as a skill, can give you an advantage when the change comes.
• Negotiation skills. Many situations come from the human front. Negotiating with others, persuading them from a genuine and win-win point of view can solve problems very easily.

You cannot prevent situations to come, but you can learn how to deal with them, and be successful by doing it.

Gender awareness

There is hardly a topic more complicated than genders. If you are writing, for instance, you can't forget to mention both genders (his/him/her) or you will be criticized. Spanish, Portuguese and other similar languages will have to change its grammar including at some point an alternative plural as in those languages when you have men and women together, the plural is in its male form.

The reality cannot be denied as literally for thousands of years, one gender has pushed the other into oppression. It seems that for the last few years, things are changing quickly and dramatically.

However, I observe three main types of change happening in the world, and how they are being received by the society.

1. The first change is that which allows the society to adapt itself to the reality. It is not only gender then, it is more than that: abortion, right to drive in some countries and vote in others, right to be a person different than the spouse and so on. It is a kind of a huge political statement happening in the world today. And the reaction is HUGE: protests, use of force in different ways, refusal, splitting countries...
2. The second change is more related to the micro-world of families and offices. Women are taking over, there is no doubt about that. More and more, males have been losing their spaces in the reality of day-to-day life, which has had a big effect in the geopolitical organization - just think that two of the most powerful people today are women (Merkel and Dilma). Resistance has been futile, as what matters today is the depth and the understanding of the situations around. If you take the example of Merkel in Europe, her possible counterpart, the ruler of France or UK, has been almost non-existent.
3. The third change is very different. It is the rise of the soft power, where power is not understood as possession or wealth, but as an energy that allows things to happen. With the ascension of women, little by little negotiations are changing its shape. At last, Europe was not able to push Greece out, instead there was a kind of forgiveness which is the main feature of this type of change. Instead of resistance, it encourages participation and dialogue. Instead of resistance, this change can be assimilated by the other gender very easily; for the first time in History, women and men can be equal without forcing the other to be equal to them...

If you really want to keep the pace with the changes, instead of fighting against it, my suggestion is, no matter your gender, to focus yourself into those competencies that are important in leadership like negotiation, and those important in general life like forgiveness. These will help you to allow all that shining energy you have inside without much resistance; on the contrary, society will benefit enormously from that.

Take care!