A safe space for you

A friend of mine insists that what everyone really needs is a safe space… A place in which there is no danger or threat, with a feeling of being accepted, no matter what or who we are.

Is that even possible? Yes, it is… At least I think so…

Here are the essentials for you to build a safe space:

·       A good positive attitude, that is the most important thing you will need.

·       People who are good to you, who care about you and you care about them.

·       People who… well, not necessarily care about you, but you need them and you can have a dialogue with them.

·       A nice space… It is personal, but you can add some art, music, lots of nature, light…

·       Meditate in this space regularly, so that you create a whole new atmosphere.

·       Don’t talk about this space to other people… keep it as a beautiful secret.

·       Don’t keep things that disturb you, even though they may be necessary.

·       If there are things you need, but they upset you, take them when it is necessary and take them out after that.

·       If you can’t have a proper physical place, even a beautiful park can work…

By creating and sustaining a safe space, benefit will come not only for you, but for many others too. 

Emotional Burnout…

Sometimes emotions run wild. Often, they are a way of processing reality by throwing outward whatever is inside us - thoughts, feelings, perceptions, worries.

This emotional outpouring usually leads to three possible outcomes:

• A sense of relief, accompanied by understanding or compassion from others.
• A sense of powerlessness, along with indifference - or even opposition - from others.
• A feeling of being completely drained and exhausted, regardless of how others respond.

The first outcome suggests that emotions were expressed in a healthy way. These are constructive emotions, as they contribute to personal well-being and collective harmony.

The second outcome is linked to destructive emotions. They are toxic, create a negative atmosphere and tend to damage relationships.

But what concerns me mostly is the third outcome - when emotions burn a person from the inside.

As a way of processing reality, if this capacity of expressing emotions becomes exhausted or “burnt,” other less healthy mechanisms often take over - such as addictions or compulsive behaviors.

At that point, the person may feel overpowered and defeated. There seems to be no way out, at least on the surface.

To prevent emotional burnout, some helpful approaches include:

• Finding healthy ways to release emotions, such as sports or group therapy.
• Practicing meditation with a proper methodology that fosters emotional regulation, such as mindfulness.
• Making lifestyle changes; sometimes even a simple shift in diet can have a noticeable impact.
• If burnout is approaching - or already present - taking some distance from the source of stress, for example by travelling, may help in the short term.

And finally, there is nothing more calming than speaking with someone who truly listens.

Just do it, it is very important for you and for others.

Self-empathy

I have listened a lot about empathy and I have talked about it too. For some, it is difficult to understand it, for others, it is easy. It is the whole base of a few professions like doctors and firefighter, a must in terms of being a parent or a teacher, and it is something we look for it in a friend or a counselor.

But I would like to explore two aspects about empathy, which can make it easy to develop the quality.

First, to really experience someone’s empathy you yourself must be it, this is part of what I would call self-empathy. You do need to be an empath to really appreciate that quality as I have experienced: many years ago, I had many empathic friends, but I was not that myself and I was unable to understand why they were relating to me in that way. I look back in my life and what I see is that I could have had a wonderful time with them …

To develop empathy is the first step to really feel others’ empathy.

Second, we need to be an empath towards the self. Self-empathy means to understand the self, to know how to be gentle and forgiving, and to guide the self through the many storms of life. It means to read our own emotions, to understand them and to embrace that part of ourselves.

By being an empath towards the self, it is easier to manage emotions and to channel them into a positive direction.

I invite you to try this type of empathy and see how you will develop empathy as a key quality for Emotional Intelligence.

Empathy

A short story mentioned by Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence describes a young boy who was natural in terms of emotional intelligence. At one occasion, when another boy got hurt, he went to him and he showed how he also got hurt in the same way, calming down the boy’s pain.

And that’s Empathy 1.01: to create a bond with another person by showing them you can also feel the same. I am sure you would agree our society needs more people like that boy as too many people are getting hurt in a daily basis. Here I am talking about empathy and a few realizations I have had along the years, in the form of a list of points.

• Empathy does not heal, but to be with an empathetic person help in healing, besides being a soothing experience.
• Now, empathy does not mean to walk in someone’s shoes. I am sure you have heard that and it is understandable that is probably the closest illustration possible, as the boy in the example has shown. I realized a misperception of empathy when I saw a cashier at a supermarket assisting a customer, who was a rich lady; it was obvious for me the cashier couldn’t walk in the lady’s shoes, but she had a good level of emotional intelligence… That was the click!
• Empathy is not about feeling EXACTLY what the other one feels, but it is about creating a bond, showing the other person it is possible to feel the same even though their situations are so different. Even though they cannot walk in each other’s shoes.
• After that click, I had another one: many times, kindness will work quite well. It is what many of us do when we meet someone who is going through a rough day… Although kindness is one of the components of empathy, it can work by itself, that is, without forming a bond.
• Think about empathy as a formula: BOND + KINDNESS. It there is only a bond (a family, co-workers, doctor/patient) it does not guarantee empathy; it there is only kindness, it may sound false, particularly with people know each other.
• Definitely, Emotional Intelligence includes empathy at some level and this is why is so effective in terms or relationship and even productivity while talking about a team working together. But there is an extra factor which is the intrapersonal intelligence, the emotions we feel and how to handle them.

I hope this list may help you in your life.

Overcoming the effect situations of high-impact

Two scenes come to my mind. The first one was when I was still a child and I broke my arm while practicing judo; my master at the time did not handle the situation well and I was not treated as I should have been. When I finally went to a doctor, many days later, I was told that it was too late and that I would forever have trouble doing certain movements.

Another scene was in my late teens; I was just coming to Brahma Kumaris, this wonderful spiritual path that I have been following for almost 40 years. A teacher was giving a class and she was a psychologist, so she shared a concept unknown to me until that point, related to the impact of situations with a high emotional impact. I experienced such clarity that many of my problems up to that moment (and in the future as well) started to make sense and it became easier for me to find solutions.

I mention these two scenes because they exemplify a lot of what a trauma is: the encounter of a person with a high-impact situation. There are several examples:

• Physical, as in the case of my arm.
• When you lose the job on which you depend so much, a financial trauma.
• Relational, in the case of the death of someone or the dissolution of a family.
• Emotional, which can come from an experience of abandonment.

However, the question here is how to overcome these high impact situations as they cannot be avoided (most of the time). But there is nothing that really prevents us from handling their effect.

From my previous narrative, I would suggest two things:

The first thing to consider is to get help from someone who can really cooperate in the work of relief and healing.

Second, reflect and understand the effect of this on life, particularly habits that can emerge and affect life negatively.

By doing this, you can initially alleviate the impact of the situation, process what happened and, consequently, begin a healing path, transforming the trauma into a learning experience.

Unintended victims

Any crisis generates victims, not necessarily in the real sense, but it exists to put some of the structure you have created down.

Although the victim is often related to the crisis itself, however, some of those who suffered are not a direct part of it. Relatives, friends, coworkers and even neighbors also go through a rough path too; and yes, generated by you.

To be more accurate, it is generated by your way of dealing with the crisis. They are not direct victims and many times, they don’t have any idea why they are in that type of distress. Why does this happen?

Crisis makes the experience of many different emotions to emerge and it is quite normal that you enter in a kind of emotional hurricane. So it is possible you also pull others into the same turmoil.

On the other hand, there is the hero syndrome; many people act in such a way that the problems they are going through are nothing. They just dismiss them, but inside they are burning and eventually, they may explode. A common reason is that they don’t want to hurt others… and yet, they do, because by protecting them they may hurt themselves. Consequently, those who love them will get hurt when they realize it.

There are a few tips you may follow in such a way that you don’t hurt yourself and don’t hurt others during a crisis periods:

1. A recent post that is being shared around expressed that any crisis has 3 elements: an expiration date, a teaching and of course, always a solution. Although you may not know the ending date, you can start to reflect and find out about its teachings.
2. At the extent you focus on the solution instead of the problem that will help you to keep your emotions in a balanced state.
3. Don’t deny the problems and don’t fear to call them by their name. A part of you knows it and it will be a disregard for your own self to diminish the situation you are living.
4. Learn to talk about your problems with people who are empathic and who can contribute with practical solutions or give you some support.
5. Whenever you feel strong emotions coming, just take some time off from your present environment. Relax a bit, empower yourself maybe by meditating and then go back.
6. Don’t hide your feelings and emotions… Talk about them in a way that is both open and comfortable for you, and get as much help as you can.
7. If you let the door of emotions open and they come out with a destructive force, after it happens, check what took place and whether anybody was hurt. It is good to hold a dialogue with your dear ones after such an episode, and forgiveness may be part of it.
8. Meditate… Meditate particularly when the crisis is not affecting you so strongly. There is a state called Detached Observer; it is a valuable one and it may help you to find peace and calm amidst the adversities. That will impact others positively.

This is part of a series of posts on self-care.

Coping with loss

As humans we tend to accumulate and stock things. Well, not only humans… go and check your pet’s place, probably you will find things there too!

But as humans, there is something extra – we feel the loss. And we feel it pretty hard, sometimes for years. Besides, the thing we accumulate is often another person…

Coping with loss is more frequent than it should be and we are normally bad in doing that. I am saying here should be not much because we shouldn’t lose things or relationships – we will lose, that is for sure; but we shouldn’t feel it that bad.

An ad I saw a few years ago showed two young girls being taken to a foster home. It was an emergency situation and they were taken in the middle of the night in their pajamas and nothing else. The youngest struggled the most; part of her sleeping ritual was to hug her stuffed toy and that night, she could not sleep without it. Next day, the family took her to a place where she easily and happily got a new toy, just like the one she had!

Not a Toy Story happy end I know, but it shows people often lose something, then they go over the natural mourning and just move on with life, even when it is such an emotional item. The key point here is the emotional part: the kid was able to move beyond her grief because the foster family was supporting her.

So, there is an easy way to cope the loss of objects: identify the emotional support it was giving you and find it at some other place. Done!

Now, what about people? The short video was not long enough to show the consequences of the children’s parents’ absence in their lives and how they were able to cope with that type of loss.

A friend of mine, Dr. Roger Cole, once spoke in an interview after a tragic accident in Bogota that we need to have a time for mourning. That is the first step; we have to accept the loss in our hearts and understand they will never come back.

After that, it is good to create a memorial for those people in heart and mind, reminding you the great gift they were by being present in your life. It will help you to wrap up that relationship, forgive whatever has to be forgiven, keep whatever has to be kept and just say goodbye.

The last part that helps to cope with losses when referred to people is to visit the memorial from time to time, not out of a sense of nostalgia, but to learn, to smile and laugh again with those people, whose memories live in you.

Hope you can try it next time a person walks away from your life. Take care!

A magic lamp!

It's like Aladdin's, but brighter. This lamp is called mind.

To activate this lamp, just rub it, that is, use your mind with a purpose instead of just letting it wander around... Let the hand of your best intentions touch your mind, making the best of it emerge.

In this magic lamp that we all have, there are unlimited treasures; really, you can achieve everything, not only for yourself but for people who are connected to you. When there is a clear purpose and focus, everything is possible.

But check your intentions while using your mind. One tip: the more selfless you are, the more powerful the outcome will be.

Like every lamp, there is a hidden genius waiting to be released, which is the force that your mind will use to bring about what you need and want to achieve. Actually, your magic lamp is so broad that it contains THREE GENIUS. The first and most important is that of a determined thought.

Sit peacefully and focus your mind on what you need, touching it gently with pure intentions. Now, let your mind generate the thoughts that can make the impossible become possible.

And do not be diverted! A determined thought is the match that transforms a candle into light... Think, speak and act.

The second genius is very special and important, helping you to overcome the obstacles of the path, because it will MOTIVATE you all the time. It's about constructive emotions.

One of the key reasons why we do not achieve what we have in mind are obstacles and adversities in general, which take away our desire, and frustrate and discourage us.

Therefore, fill yourself with positivism by talking with optimistic people, watching news that helps you increase hope, and discussing topics related to love, peace and happiness... The more you feed your constructive emotions, the more easily you will overcome obstacles.

The last genius is related to a process of introspection and reflection necessary to process what is happening. They are the feelings that exist on a deeper level than the emotions.

From time to time, stop along the way, look in the mirror of your own existence and recognize what exists within you, the feelings that come before emotions and even thoughts.

They come from your beliefs and serve to turn into memorable the incredible effort that your lamp will make: change your reality.

To express yourself in an emotional level

It shouldn’t be difficult as we are essentially emotional creatures, but the reality is that when we have to communicate, the emotional level or ingredient is often a big challenge.

There are several reasons you could find for that, such as the complexity of human emotions or the fact they are hugely controlled by the social environment.

Even though it is not fully confirmed, when you don’t express them, your emotions accumulate until one day, you explode, so your anger towards your boss makes you lose your job when at last you tell him or her what you are really thinking. Another option is that you will live your life bitter, always thinking of the many possibilities of expression…

But if you express yourself improperly, then that emotion won’t have the effect was intended. For instance, if your anger with your boss is expressed with your life partner, well, your boss won’t know about it, so no changes will happen and emotions will keep on accumulating, besides your partner will resent the treatment.

However, if you take some time off. If you just relax a bit, and reflect another bit… Maybe you can calm your mind in a way, so that your emotions get clearer and, because you are very calm, you may find the right moment and the right way to express them. You may find a way to sit down and have a real conversation with your boss, expressing your emotions in a way that sounds constructive and inviting a change in your relationship.

So, make a list of those emotions you haven’t been able to express, just relax and reflect, and you will find a way of doing it.

Bringing Emotional Intelligence into life

When the concept of Emotional Intelligence was exposed in a book, many years ago, it was such a novelty that it seemed everybody was speaking about it. But one thing I’ve noticed: very few were working on that.

Many years later, emotions are on the top – just look at the present headlines and you can see emotions. Look at your workplace and check the emotions present there. What about your family?

So, can we work on that emotional intelligence now?

According to Daniel Goleman, it means basicly 4 things:

• To know your own emotions.
• To know how to deal with them.
• To know others’ emotions.
• To know how to deal with them.

It seems easy enough and yet, its impact may change lives. Why? Emotions are a shortcut at times of reaction or decisions, bypassing the need of reasoning and reflecting, and going into the action in hand. By knowing your own or others’ emotions, an individual is able to understand that and help reflection and reasoning to meet the emotions.

For instance, if someone just wants to marry another person he just met one week ago, it will be difficult to talk the person out of it, but using creative techniques like storytelling or even a little role play it is possible to awake the reasoning behind the decision and help the person to think it over.

How do you manage emotions? As any management acting, first you need to know them. Then, you need to have some skills, techniques or a relevant education that enables you to deal with them.

However, good managers don’t simply deal with things, they attain success by using energy in a very effective way, comparing to results. So, it is not only techniques that will help convincing another person to not get married yet, many other things are required, like: empathy, spirituality would be helpful, listening to the other’s point of view, etc. Developing emotional intelligence is a very effective way to live better and help others to live better too.

My message here is simple: dust your favorite Emotional Intelligence book and use all that knowledge into your day-to-day life.

Forgiveness as a key to a healthy life

Being healthy nowadays is a kind of a fashion, and it shouldn't be like that: health makes life much more pleasant and productive. It should be one of our first priorities.

Let’s understand that health is not restricted to the body though; it also implies a life with no diseases in mind, relationships and even finances. After all, we have experienced how much a lack of money at a moment of need affects the will to live.

So, being healthy cannot be guaranteed by going to gym or having a special diet. You do need more things to add and among them the cultivation of positive emotions.

Emotions can make us live life in a cheerful mood, enjoying every moment, or cursing everything that happens around, affecting our health in a way not even a virus could do.

Among positive emotions, there are those that generated a relief and help with healing. Forgiveness, although it is not strictly an emotion, creates that healing feeling too.

Forgiving someone or a situation changes you and it helps you to get some closure, speeding up your own moving on. But although it is so gratifying, it is not often used.

I feel the difficulty with forgiveness comes from several wrong perspectives.

• The victim forgives the attacker. That means, by forgiving I admit I was defeated. This first assumption comes from the idea of victory as the one smashing the other and because we live in a society where wars are not at all desirable, that idea is conflicting with our reality. In the day-to-day life, there are no real battles. There are some conflicts and problems, things that help us to refine our character, and forgiveness strengthen that part of our personality that is able to make us to move on, no matter what happens.
• Only the weak ones have to forgive, the strong ones win. So, forgiveness is even more attached to the concept of defeat. In fact, it is all the opposite. Anyone who has seen somebody forgiving another person is able to discern who is the strongest and, really, it is always on the side of the forgiver.
• By forgiving, I will forget the problems and they won't be solved. Forgiveness is often linked to the idea of a sort of amnesia. If something really bad happened, forgiveness helps you to heal your emotions and mind, but you would probably still need to see aspects of justice that is usually required. In fact, forgiveness will let you have a clear mind and a light conscience to rebuild your life.

By forgiving, you are clearing your own path and open yourself for new experiences, a better life and more opportunities.

The ability to relate to others

Many years ago, I had a general manager who was simply perfect. He used to come for work with a perfect suit; he used to have a perfect job, and even a perfect family. Only one thing used to tarnish that perfection: he was the worst when dealing with people. After I left the company, I kept tabs on him for some time as I was curious to know his career. So, even though I have left the country, I learned on how he was unable to keep a position for a long time and the complaint was the same: he didn't know how to deal with people.

All his diplomas, all that capacity and talent were not enough to secure him a good position in a good company. He did not know how to negotiate with his employees, he did not know how to deal with bad performance and, worse, he was unable to deal with his own emotions in those cases, when all the façade used to scramble and show a person with no manners, no elegance, and no perfection.

This is probably the mother of all skills. Daniel Goleman was the one who has shown it, giving a fancy name: Emotional Intelligence. Yes, EI is not only relating to others, but it comes only when you have EI.

If you have it, you probably can skip this post, but I guess most of us want to develop it even further. After all, there are many new challenges related to people around you...

• The basic principle behind EI is to understand your own emotions. In other words, the first thing you have to do to relate to others is to relate to yourself better. If you get frustrated with yourself for not getting up at the time you need or not following that diet, then it will be even harder to not get frustrated when someone from your team makes a mistake. Breath, talk to yourself, have a time for reflection, contemplation or meditation, and enjoy your potentials much more than your mistakes.
• Learn to differentiate your emotions in relation to the situation, and the situation itself. If someone from your team has made a mistake that earned a bad mark to your team, which will make future budget negotiations difficult, remember that you can only solve this by not getting into emotion. Talk to the person, talk to your team, and if you need, vent some of the thoughts you are having in your mind, but keep the focus on the solution. A nice trick is turning the mistake into a lesson for the future.
• Be balanced in relation to others. In human relationships, there are no blacks and whites, all are a series of gray tones... At some situations with someone, you have to be merciful and forgiving; at other situations with the same person, you have to push so things happen. Be tuned to the other's need and the need of the moment, and act based on that.
• The last thing is related to a nice tale I've read many years ago, talking about a prince who needs to listen to the inaudible sounds in order to be a king. Reality is: people expresses probably half of what they feel, sometimes even less. So, you need to see their body language and the vibration they are sending, so that you really know what is going on with that person. And take action, which can be talking to him, or just sitting beside her and give your presence.

When you are a master of that skill, then you will realize how wonderful is to deal with people in a positive and powerful way. But this skill is so deep that you will get into that more for the next posts.


* For the article that has inspired this post, click here.