How to change your behavior?

Can you stop eating your nails? Hummm… I knew you would act just like that! Did you lose your job again? Can’t you make something about the way you treat other people?

When people want you to change, that means your behavior. However, it is not that easy as you probably already know.

Behavior is influenced by the way we think and see the world, which may be called attitude and awareness. So, if you are able to change any behavioral feature but you did not change your attitude and awareness, that will come back when you less expect.

For instance, if you are able to stay at a job longer than normally, that is something to celebrate. However, part of the reason you used to lose your job was your bad temper and it happens in this job each person is nice; what will happen when your boss hires someone who starts to upset you then?

The inner concept you have about yourself tells you something like this: whenever someone starts to create problems for you, just move away from that person. That means your time in this job is limited by those circumstances; when you change your awareness, you will be able to keep any job.

This is why this idea of quick change or 21 days to get rid of a habit is a myth if you don’t change those invisible aspects along with those nasty habits.

How to change the way you think? How to change who you are? That means deep reflection and inner work; it means you need a method that helps you with that too.

In my experience, the easiest part is attitude and there is a basic 3-step process that may help a person to do that:

1. Identify. First of all you have to understand your attitude; it works as a template for your thoughts so that when you react to situations or you start to reflect on something, those thoughts will work a pattern. Identifying and understanding the pattern is the first stage of a personal change. OK, I have the tendency of being pessimistic…
2. Check and change. During sometime – ok, it can be 21 days… – you will be your own observer. You may use some tools like meditation or a journal, but the main important point is to be aware of those patterns; whenever a bad attitude emerges, stop a few seconds or minutes and review it, replacing it with the thoughts or ideas you would like to have instead. I think I will lose this job… Wait a second! Why am I even thinking like this? I will work with quality and intensity, and I will prepare myself better by studying and researching, improving that quality.
3. Dare. After a while, you will feel things have changed and bad patterns are not emerging as much as before, or have completely disappeared. That is the point when you have to challenge yourself and get into a situation where you will test your ability, see what happens with you and go back to the first stage of this process. I will go and talk to my boss, seeing if there is the possibility of losing my job, but I will do that from a positive point of view, knowing how capable I am.

With your awareness, it is a similar process, but deeper and subtler. Meditation is probably the best tool when you feel it is not enough to change attitudes, and the reason is that by meditating, you have another perspective of who you are, beyond all labels you have tagged in yourself; so, you can identify that you want to change, being an observer and eventually, challenge yourself to see if the change really happened.

When both have changed you will feel a behavioral transformation. Even if one of those – attitude and awareness – has changed, you will feel some level of transformation.

Who am I? REALLY!

An old joke a friend of mine used to tell was about this person who was very blunt and used to have an answering machine with a message asking Who are you? What do you want? Then, he went through a self-development course and one of the results was the change in that message: Who are you REALLY? What do you REALLY want?

Although governments and main powers, everything in the main stream and in our day-to-day life point to the development of things and situations, societies and civilizations, reality is what really matters is how I develop as a person and human being.

Our profession, our tastes and preferences, our family and friends… all of that only contributes to what I am, but knowing it is the basis for any relevant development.

Think about this: if you run a company, one of the things you need to know is what that company is: its mission, values and vision, production and service, its culture and influence. When you know that REALLY, that means, with knowledge and experience, and then you can proceed to develop it, otherwise you may make many mistakes on the way.

By developing the self from that point of self-knowledge, I create a wave, inspiring many others to change their own reality – after all, that is the meaning of development; the change by emerging potentials. Eventually that wave transforms your house, family, city, country and, why not, the world.

Yes, world transformation can come from self-transformation, by knowing what I REALLY am.

About fairness and justice

An interesting video shows how monkeys react when they are not paid in equal ways. By watching this video, you will probably identify someone you know – maybe you?

It is kind of a natural instinct when fairness is not present, after all if I am doing the same job of another person, I should receive the same payment, right?

Let the animal cruelty aside, the video shows fairness in its most basic and primary manifestation, taking the person to be angry or the nowadays fashion of passive aggressiveness.

Justice comes after that though. It comes from a theoretical animal defense group who will try to sue this institution to keep monkeys in cage. It will come when you sue your company or you try for a divorce.

Justice comes from a more complex and elaborated sense of how our culture and civilization operates. That is what it looks like, because the reality is that justice comes when fairness is not present.

Fairness is a natural state and it helps people not only to avoid going to justice, but also to understand a big picture and work harder, if that is the case.

To be fair, check these points:

• Are you treating others in the way you would like to be treated if you were from their same social class, gender, age or any other way to classify a person?
• If your honest response is NO, how can you amend for that? What are the changes you need to perform to treat others as you would like to be treated?
• And if you are the person who feels you are not being treated in a fair way, did you check the reasons for that? No matter how preposterous those reasons may sound, until you don’t know them you cannot claim for a better treatment.
• If you don’t agree with those reasons, what are you doing there anyway? Can you do something about it? Otherwise, can you hear your inner call and find the right place for you?

Delegate or empower? That is the question…

If you are a boss, manager or have another position of authority (like a parent), let’s admit to ourselves at least: bosses are overwhelmed, stressed and under too much tension. It does not matter the culture of the organization or how things are working (good, bad), tension is taking over everyone. There are too many things to do. Period. So, it does not matter how many seminars or courses you attend, it will never be enough.

However, there are ways to diminish the burden; one of them is to sharing it with others. From the manager’s point of view, there are two easy methodologies that help him or her with it.

Before talking about them, the manager first of all has to understand her or his own team – strengths, weaknesses and their bond as team. Second, he or she needs to have a clear idea of the culture of the organization, and that is very important for this sharing to succeed. Last but not least, the task or project has to be clear for that person.

One technique, tool or methodology is delegation. OK, don’t jump out your seat yet!!! I know, it is as old as the Bible, but the idea is a bit more complex than what is roaming around in the management market, which explains why there is fear from either of the sides to take over on this subject.

When a manager delegates a task or project, or a piece of it to a person or team, she or he is aware of their limitations. To delegate means someone else will act on the manager’s behalf, so the manager is traditionally consider being responsible, but they need to have enough margins for maneuvering particularly when negotiation is necessary, and most of the times, negotiation is necessary.

In other words, it is not because a boss does not like to check on the prices of paper in the market, then he assigns the duty to another person. Neither it is a question of, at the time of choosing whom, the first person coming into the manager’s office will receive a particular job. Both situations are quite common and that is one of the reasons of fear of delegating.

The solution comes from a deep reflection and these questions may help:

• How much do I know the task in hand, its requirements and consequences?
• Knowing the project, who are the people who can be the best option to fulfill with the terms of that project?
• How much do I trust these people and what is the type of bond we have?
• In which extent the rest of the organization will support this team, even though I am behind them?

If what we are talking on delegation looks a little different than many people do around the world, what about empowerment?

In fact the basic premise for that is wrong: everyone has power and nobody can really give power to another person. Empowerment is more a question of helping others to identify their own capacity and potential, allowing them to handle a broad range of situations that go beyond their normal functions.

This time the main difference is the responsibility remains with the team or person in charge and that is a bigger burden for them, but it frees the boss, who will have a role closer to an overseer or a facilitator.

There is a deep reflection needed, and you can use these questions for that:

• I know the task in hand, its requirements and consequences, how is the best way to proceed with that?
• Who are the people who can take care of that project as if it is their own?
• How deep do I know these people and what is the way to increase our bond or relationship?
• In which extent the rest of the organization will support this team and how can I help with that?

Be careful with two deadly sins when you are using empowerment. First, you are a manager, not Pontius Pilates, no washing hands here; even though they are responsible, you still keep some type of responsibility and you will need tools for managing that – like meetings or small reports to check their development.

Second, be aware of signs you have chosen the wrong people or you have chosen people wrongly... Maybe you can train them, maybe not, and it is important to be able to accept your error – not theirs – and move on with the task in hands.

Remember that by doing this you will be relieved of a big part of your tension, which will increase your sense of wellness and it will increase your personal productivity.

Self-confidence; that's it!

There is a basic principle: you cannot experience something you never experienced. It helps in understanding dreams, for instance, but it can be used to grasp the meaning of goals and objectives.

You cannot wish to be something you cannot be. If you are having a difficult goal in mind or starting to pursue an objective that looks like it is impossible to reach, there is possibly a part of you that knows you can reach that aim.

What is missing? You have a goal and because of that, you do have the qualifications to reach for it.

Well, in fact it is not that easy. For you to fulfill an objective in your life is a process, sometimes very long, as you are coming out of the present stage and you want be something very different than that.

So, there will be many obstacles to win over within and, at least for me, the main one is to believe in oneself. I CAN DO IT! It is a simple phrase, but very powerful indeed.

Developing self-confidence should start at a very early age, but you can do a lot much later. Self-confidence helps you to understand your full potential and also your limitations, which is very useful when you look for job or try to improve your relationship with someone else.

But how do you do it? When you are a child, self-confidence comes from different stimuli received from parents and other family members, your friends and colleagues at school, your teachers and even your vicar, if that is the case. In other words, our self-confidence comes from outside to inside.

When you are older, that approach does not work properly, since you are not so innocent anymore and praises will be filtered, you won’t trust all of them or even though you would, maybe you wouldn’t see that compliment reflected in your own life. If you ever try to help someone pointing to their strengths, you will understand me…

But you can do something you were not able when you were a child: reflection. This means you can go inside yourself and find solutions, talents and qualities you need, and apply them to your present situation.

Therefore, self-confidence for an adult comes from an inner journey, by acknowledging strong points and by understanding your own weaknesses. That will change your perception about yourself and the possibilities of improvement will increase.

And after it, it is time to relish your goals coming into reality…

How to deal with people who are very difficult?

Yes, that guy who pushes your button… It is that lady who is always creating problems for you… Your kids who can’t obey any orientation, or your partner who avoid talking about deeper subjects.

World is full of difficult people around you, after all, you are a very easy guy or gal, right?

In the past, we humans used to live in tribes, so we would be surrounded by similar people, following similar instructions and beliefs. Nowadays, as world population is 80% in the cities, this is not happening anymore and so it becomes an interesting challenge.

With the rise of social network, ironically people are becoming less and less social, at least in presence, being able to filter people and to be with those they want. Are we recreating our old tribes?

But for those people who are very difficult and you have to deal with, here are a few tips.

• Develop empathy. Reflect on the other’s life and understand their point of view.
• Cultivate respect and regard. In your heart, start to respect more and more people regardless of what they are.
• Find common grounds. When a problem comes, go to the common ground, subjects you and others agree and love.
• Don’t avoid conflict. Learn how to deal with it in a positive way, with both sides winning.
• If you know their weak spot, avoid it. It is part of the respect towards another person…
• If they know your weak spot, strengthen it. Do a course or go to a coach and fix that as much as possible.
• Create excuses to be with them. That will prevent you to look for refuge in the bat cave.
• Maybe you are the difficult one… If you are too surrounded by difficult people, that is a strong possibility. Reflect and find a friend whom you trust, and ask him or her about it.

This will make your work more productive and your social life much more enjoyable!

Quality in your communication helps increase quality in your relationship

Many years ago, a good friend used to say in his lectures that communication is relationship. Of course, it is not that simple as relationship also implies presence and shared values among other things, but communication is a key factor to measure the quality of a relationship.

If you buy something of bad quality, it may work for a while, but it will be unsteady and it is probable it will finish before the expected time. Same happens with relationships: sometimes it is so bad you would wish you would never have even started with it.

Communication has mainly four roles in a relationship. By developing these roles, you ensure your relationship’s quality will be good, lasting long or being very stable during the particular time.

• Any relationship has a stage of mutual acknowledgment. It is during that time you will know who the other really is – his or her tastes, mood, dreams, imperfections, virtues and values. This can only happen by talking with each other, clarifying situations and working on changes, agreements and compromises. The quality of that exchange increases according to the presence of honesty, clarity, enthusiasm, joy and love in all interactions.
• When the relationship goes beyond the acknowledgment stage, all people involved feel free to express themselves, even when that expression may be blunt. It is a very trick stage and most relationships don’t survive, but it is needed as it builds a foundation for a long-term relationship. In other words, if you couldn’t bear to hear from a friend that you are not a good lawyer and you stop being a friend to the other person, you probably did not want a long-term relationship in the first place. You can increase the quality of expression, as the person who express and the person who receives it, with values as mercy, unconditional love, honesty and a virtue as sweetness.
• At some point, everyone will share something with another person. In fact, the main pleasure is in the sharing, not much what you share or receive. Part of that sharing is related to communicate to another person something, and you may consider sharing as a proof the relationship is working… By increasing the quality of communication, you strengthen your relation, so it is good to increase the value of whatever you are sharing, be full of respect for the others’ point of view and be open for the possibility of refusal, trying again and again.
• The last role communication has is related to the building stage. That is the point when a relationship is mature and it is bearing fruit. It is the time of leaving a legacy and setting an example. Communication in this case is soft and powerful, it is clear and full of understanding. We know each other A LOT, and we know how to deal with several situations. By adding courage and encouragement, your relationship may give you much more satisfaction.

Again, communication is not the only element to have a good relationship, but it is a crucial factor for its quality.